Not sure how to deal with this anymore

[grod33]

Hi, this is my first post on these forums, I have been reading for a while, having been dealing with my own suicidal thoughts recently.

It's gonna take some effort to formulate my feelings into words, as I have not told anyone I know about these feelings I've been having. This might be really wordy, but hopefully someone can relate or help me.

I'm a 21 year old college student. I was supposed to be graduating tomorrow, but instead I will be spending another year taking general education classes that I have irresponsibly ignored until now. I haven't told my parents, until today - needless to say it didn't go well...they thought I was graduating this year. So now I am forced to move back home, in two days.

I have known that I wasn't going to graduate for some time, but for the past two years I have sunk into a spiral of self-loathing and apathy that has slowly disabled my motivation and will to live. I have become overwhelmed with feelings of fear, feeling that there is no way I'm going to survive in this world. My theater major is not the most sensible path financially, and I feel like everyone is expecting so much from me, and for some reason I feel like I've already failed. Now, everyone in my life is leaving (graduating) and I'm left behind. Granted, it was my fault, but now I feel like the world is moving on without me, and I had my chance and lost it. I hate myself more than I ever could imagine. I had such a strong head on my shoulders before coming to college, and I feel like the years have worn away at my ability to see the good in myself like I used to.

I have lied continually to everyone I know. Telling them that I've got things lined up, that I only have a few more classes left to take (when I have 8), that I passed classes I actually failed. Who am I? I am an awful, deceiving person who can't even face the truth himself! I feel like I have no backbone, like if I was ever confronted with a difficult situation I would just lie or do something underhanded to get out of it. There's no honor in that.

Because I've felt this way for so long, I've let myself go. I've gained all the weight back that I lost 4 years ago, and I feel gross, which has affected my ability to get close to anyone. I'm gay, and never had a boyfriend. I don't know why, but for some reason it's so hard for me to connect to other gay men. I don't know why, but I get really shy and scared, and I feel like I want to try to meet all of their standards but end up doubting everything away, and then I simply don't try at all. There was one I managed to get sloe to, but for some reason I pushed him away because of what I thought other people would think...now I realize years later that I should've just accepted him, just so I could have felt love at all with someone else. I feel like my heart is so ice cold, like making connections with anyone is so hard and complex, and I'm always afraid of what the other person is thinking of me, and it makes things awkward a lot of the time. I just feel like something is wrong with me, like I'll never truly be able to get close to anyone. I see all my friends in these great relationships, and my heart shatters every time, knowing I have never felt such things.

I just don't know how to deal with it all anymore. I feel like, I'm 21, I need to man up and be an adult and deal with life, but I feel like I have gone off a wrong path and screwed up so bad that I don't know how to get back to that old me that used to love myself. The rest of my class is graduating and has it together, and I feel like everyone is going to look at me and think, well he's just another screw up. I feel like I'm never going to figure this out, and now my parents are going into bulldog mode. I tried telling them how much I'm hurting, but they dismiss it as ridiculous and that I'm just being an irresponsible partying college kid who needs to grow up. And then I think, what if that's all I am, just some whiner who has it great and is just complaining? Am I just too young and stupid to comprehend what life is really about? I don't know how I can be more familiar with life than I already am.

I guess I came here to formulate these feelings into words, somehow, and get them out of my head. These thoughts have been banging around in there so hard it gets difficult to concentrate on anything else. I have felt the urge to end it several times in the past months, today especially. It's like, when you are facing everything in your life at once, and it pushes down so hard on you that it feels like your only option is to just end it. I couldn't imagine the pain it would inflict on my family, but sometimes the anger and frustration with my life build up so much, that I forget. It's scaring me, and I feel like I'm not strong enough to handle surviving on my own...

If you read all that, thank you. You are very kind to take that time to listen to me. Hopefully you can help, or give some advice, or even better let me know if you've felt any of this yourself, and how you managed to deal with it. Thanks.

 

[Push]

'making connections with anyone is so hard and complex, and I'm always afraid of what the other person is thinking of me, and it makes things awkward a lot of the time. I just feel like something is wrong with me, like I'll never truly be able to get close to anyone.'

I feel this same way. I think that this day and age it is so hard to be close to someone. Families are not as close nit as they used to be, and we suffer because of it.

I do not think that you are worthless, so what if you've lied about some classes? That is not important at all. I know that it seems that it is right now but I promise that you will see later on that you are young and just made mistakes and that is all. Just mistakes.

I am sorry that I don't have some great advise that someone else probably will, I just wanted to write to let you know that you are not alone. I hope you reach out to someone who can help you. There are people who can help. :hugtackles:

 

[peacelovingguy]

Hey Grod33 - sorry to see you going through this pretty dark period of life - but all the things you say say seem to make me feel your dealing with depression.

I mean, when you hate yourself, feel suicidal and have no self confidence - your certainly not happy! Some depression is a temporary thing and perhaps just a natural reaction to some things that go wrong. My guess is that you struggled in your education because of depression - but with keeping it to yourself nobody knows so your effort will be seen as your best effort by those in the college or uni or schools.

You do know that you can get help with exams and studies if you are suffering with depression?

As for 'manning up' - you cannot do this with depression! It sounds 'simple' enough but no way can anyone just wake up - do a few press ups and set about kicking the ass of the depression. If anything, positive thinking can help - so when you do feel slightly OK then you need to know the basics of how to do this. Maybe some therapy might help you?

Depression has two basic schools - one is that you just have have depression - the other is that you have a reason or reasons and the depression is linked to those reasons. Bullying at school - abuse, a bad childhood - all of these and more can trigger or 'seed' the depression for later on.

Of course its not that simplistic - depression can have periodic appearances. If your mother just died last week - I'd expect you feel as down as could be. Losing a lover also. Loneliness is another one. Its a bad thing and can get you down.

But feeling like you do - down all the time - that's not right in that your really just allowing yourself to suffer needlessly. By keeping it all in - its like capping a volcano. Emotions are a powerful force and our true emotions will always come out in the end. Longer you leave worse the pressure is. Depression lumps all your problems together so that it seems like an impossible mountain.

You really need to talk to a few people about this.

No 1 you need a doctor. Don't panic as many of us will need to to do this - and if you know what is good for you - you will go to your docs.

Secondly, is there any family you can talk to ?

Thirdly, sometimes counselling is better than family or friends as you might impart confidential information you'd feel uncomfortable telling family and so on. Plus, how many of your family are trained counsellors who can even make a diagnosis as to whether you are just fed up or suffering depression?

Good luck brother - hope you can start to feel a bit better soon and get some help with your college courses. IF you have depression, then you can get help there.

I think you have some depression because the way your thinking is just the exact same as many people would think under depression. the good news is that you thinking your a failure is just depression! Its not you - its just you going through depression! Once you can settle that in your mind its a start. You can work your way up from feeling like nothing to feeling pretty ok with the world and the people in it. Its about feeling OK in yourself first - and that takes a little time.

In the meantime, make a docs appointment and see how it goes from there. Be honest with him or her.

Maybe talk to your parents or whoever you get along with best.

Stick around here also as there are people who have been through what you are going through. Aged 21 your are not exactly on the shelf! I'm sure you'll meet someone nice no matter what your sexuality. Aged under 21 a lot of make bad mistakes anyhow with relationships.

Good luck, God bless and do get some help!

 

[dazzle11215]

welcome.

i have often felt as you describe. alone in a crowd. underachieving and comparing myself to my more successful friends. stuck while others are moving on.

i did a few things to begin to overcome these feelings. i went to my doctor and told him i was suicidal. he sent me to a mental health professional, where i got a diagnosis and some anti depressants. then i decided i needed more help and i found a therapist. i learned to forgive myself. i learned that i was not a loser, just depressed, and that feeling like a loser is a symptom of depression, not a truth in itself (still with me?). likewise, feeling worthless is a symptom. i am not unworthy.

i hope you can reach out. there is so much out there for you, once you get past this difficult time. you sound like a great guy. PM me if i can help in any way.

c

 

[grod33]

Thanks for the advice. Just talking about this with anyone is really nice. It never occurred to me that I might actually have depression, I just thought my life was going pretty crappily, and my feelings were because of it. Who knows why...

I am struggling today, everything is piling up, I move out tomorrow, college is ending, and I can't even bring myself to tell my friends that I'm leaving. They are all graduating today, while I am packing...and now I might not even be doing an out of state summer job anymore because I found out they don't provide housing, so how am I gonna even support myself on the already shit pay I would be making? It's like all the plans I had for myself are all suddenly being squashed in a matter of days. Every time I try to do something to fix it, it becomes so overwhelming and I panic and give up, only to start the cycle again.

The prospect of living back home with my parents is just so awful...I don't think I can take them breathing down my back every second of every day like I know they will...and if I can't take this job, it'll be even worse. I just don't see how this will ever end...it's like I pull myself out of a huge ditch only to wind up at the bottom of another one.

And then what? I die? That's all life is, being stressed out over something all the time until you deal with it only to face another problem. And when you think you have stability and things are good, they don't ever stay that way, eventually something comes to fuck you over again and again...people are just not reliable either. I can't afford counseling on my own, and I'm almost too embarrassed to speak these words aloud in person to anyone yet. Internet anonymity works for now. My parents get uncomfortable whenever talking about any sort of "feelings", they are the type of people who pretend everything is all right and not a big deal so they can avoid dealing with real issues. I don't think I could talk to any one of my good friends about this without them thinking something was wrong with me or that I just need to get my life together.

I don't know...I'm finding the whole concept of life to be really pointless. What is the point of all this hard work if in 5 billion years the sun explodes and there wont even be a trace of anything left? What is the purpose of society, civilization...it's like the only reason to live is to distract yourself with things until you die. So what's the point?

Sorry this turned into such a long rant, but I'm losing faith in why I should try to do anything anymore...things are constantly blowing up in my face and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I hear this voice in my head, saying "kill yourself - it'll be so easy - no more stress or anxiety or pain"...and the sick thing is, it's tempting me, like I want to listen to it, I want to just do it and get it over with, it's right, it'll be so simple and easy.

I'm just hoping that somehow I'll get a sign from the universe in some way letting me know it's all right, that I'll find some way to adjust, and learn and become stronger...but I come back to this reality and all I see everywhere is just more crap, more stress, more loneliness, and more failure...and now, I have to figure out all this shit within the next few hours, and I've got one foot over the edge and one foot on the ground. I wish I could just go back to sleep forever...I can create anything in my dreams, why can't I just live there

 

[icequeen]

i agree with the other posters in that it is likely that you are suffering some form of depression for whatever reason and you need to get help for that which will hopefully then have a positive reaction in other areas of your life.

i am sorry you dont seem to have the support of your parents, do you have a sibling or maybe another relative that you can talk to? bottling things up will only make things seem much worse so at least keep posting here if you have no one to talk to, but first thing you should do is see your doctor and or your school counsellor.

:hug: