Hi, this is my first post on these forums, I have been reading for a while, having been dealing with my own suicidal thoughts recently. It's gonna take some effort to formulate my feelings into words, as I have not told anyone I know about these feelings I've been having. This might be really wordy, but hopefully someone can relate or help me. I'm a 21 year old college student. I was supposed to be graduating tomorrow, but instead I will be spending another year taking general education classes that I have irresponsibly ignored until now. I haven't told my parents, until today - needless to say it didn't go well...they thought I was graduating this year. So now I am forced to move back home, in two days. I have known that I wasn't going to graduate for some time, but for the past two years I have sunk into a spiral of self-loathing and apathy that has slowly disabled my motivation and will to live. I have become overwhelmed with feelings of fear, feeling that there is no way I'm going to survive in this world. My theater major is not the most sensible path financially, and I feel like everyone is expecting so much from me, and for some reason I feel like I've already failed. Now, everyone in my life is leaving (graduating) and I'm left behind. Granted, it was my fault, but now I feel like the world is moving on without me, and I had my chance and lost it. I hate myself more than I ever could imagine. I had such a strong head on my shoulders before coming to college, and I feel like the years have worn away at my ability to see the good in myself like I used to. I have lied continually to everyone I know. Telling them that I've got things lined up, that I only have a few more classes left to take (when I have 8), that I passed classes I actually failed. Who am I? I am an awful, deceiving person who can't even face the truth himself! I feel like I have no backbone, like if I was ever confronted with a difficult situation I would just lie or do something underhanded to get out of it. There's no honor in that. Because I've felt this way for so long, I've let myself go. I've gained all the weight back that I lost 4 years ago, and I feel gross, which has affected my ability to get close to anyone. I'm gay, and never had a boyfriend. I don't know why, but for some reason it's so hard for me to connect to other gay men. I don't know why, but I get really shy and scared, and I feel like I want to try to meet all of their standards but end up doubting everything away, and then I simply don't try at all. There was one I managed to get sloe to, but for some reason I pushed him away because of what I thought other people would think...now I realize years later that I should've just accepted him, just so I could have felt love at all with someone else. I feel like my heart is so ice cold, like making connections with anyone is so hard and complex, and I'm always afraid of what the other person is thinking of me, and it makes things awkward a lot of the time. I just feel like something is wrong with me, like I'll never truly be able to get close to anyone. I see all my friends in these great relationships, and my heart shatters every time, knowing I have never felt such things. I just don't know how to deal with it all anymore. I feel like, I'm 21, I need to man up and be an adult and deal with life, but I feel like I have gone off a wrong path and screwed up so bad that I don't know how to get back to that old me that used to love myself. The rest of my class is graduating and has it together, and I feel like everyone is going to look at me and think, well he's just another screw up. I feel like I'm never going to figure this out, and now my parents are going into bulldog mode. I tried telling them how much I'm hurting, but they dismiss it as ridiculous and that I'm just being an irresponsible partying college kid who needs to grow up. And then I think, what if that's all I am, just some whiner who has it great and is just complaining? Am I just too young and stupid to comprehend what life is really about? I don't know how I can be more familiar with life than I already am. I guess I came here to formulate these feelings into words, somehow, and get them out of my head. These thoughts have been banging around in there so hard it gets difficult to concentrate on anything else. I have felt the urge to end it several times in the past months, today especially. It's like, when you are facing everything in your life at once, and it pushes down so hard on you that it feels like your only option is to just end it. I couldn't imagine the pain it would inflict on my family, but sometimes the anger and frustration with my life build up so much, that I forget. It's scaring me, and I feel like I'm not strong enough to handle surviving on my own... If you read all that, thank you. You are very kind to take that time to listen to me. Hopefully you can help, or give some advice, or even better let me know if you've felt any of this yourself, and how you managed to deal with it. Thanks.