Not sure how to start but do any of you guys relate?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by jamie8787, Mar 22, 2015.

  1. jamie8787

    jamie8787 New Member

    Hi Guys, I am a 27 yo Irish guy with a history of depression. I have been treated with various medcations and I have found none particularly work for me and generally if I give it time I tend to come out of my depression although I would never quite say I was happy. Right now, I cant quite say if I am depressed or not, I do however know that I tend to think of suicide quite regularly although it is not a predominant thought the thoughts are indeed there and for the past few months I have been abusing alcohol (I claim I haven't but who am I kidding). I am not an unintelligent guy and am actually a studying to be a doctor so I am relatively clued in to most of my behaviors although I cant say that helps much. Fundamentally my question to you guys is not about depression or suicide but about relationships, I have been lucky enough to have three wonderful woman fall in love with me and I them yet I have always managed to destroy it. Whether it be to infedility, my attitude, depression, unhappiness, the grass is always greener attitude or whatever you may call it for one reason or another it has always failed. I have recently broken up (through choice) with an absolutely fantastic and caring woman who stood by me through the absolute depths of my illness but yet I still cant find the ability to give her what she deserves so I let her go. Fundamentally I am wondering are any other sufferers of depression self destructive in their private lives and if so, could you maybe shed any insight? I know what I am doing and it is a repeated cycle and yet I cant seem to stop it.

    Thank you guys
  2. Vaughan

    Vaughan Well-Known Member

    Firstly, I'm sorry it has taken so long for you to get a reply. I know what it's like to post something in desperation, and to want a response. So apologies for that. I am new to the forum myself, and am only just finding out how it all works.

    Anyway, your story is very familiar. Very. Scary, huh?

    As a medical student you probably know a whole lot more about this than I do. But here are some thoughts, questions, and observations.

    Firstly on the depression. I believe there are two elements to it. There's the depression itself - which can be dealt with medications. Depression is a symptom. So once the worst of the symptoms are dealt with, you're left with the root cause. Meds can't do too much with root cause, except in specific cases where the mental illness is related to brain chemistry (I'm thinking sufferers of say, Schizophrenia here, their condition is, essentially, physical - so meds play a larger role than in a depression such as the one I have).

    So, what steps have you taken to untangle the root cause? Or do you think of your depression as simply a passing mood? Do you even think there is a root cause? Or in your case, is it just a phase of the moon type thing?

    Alcohol. I'm from the UK, and alcohol played a bit part in my life for a long long time (I'm older than you). After getting treatment for my depression, I stopped drinking, and have been clear of it for more than 18 months. I now know that 99% of my past drinking was self-medication. I worked hard, long hours. I had a successful career. I traveled a lot. I spoke at conferences before 1000 people at a time. I did loots of things - always hand-in-hand with drinking.

    Alcohol is lousy medication. We all know it's a depressant, but worst it allows us to be someone we're not. And when you're ill with depression, you really really need to be real. Being who you're not will defeat any attempts to get over your pain.

    Unless you have a dependency on alcohol, then you know what you should do without my spelling it out for you. You really do. We all have a weak moment every now and again - but when it comes to mood watering liquids we sling down our throats at ever inflated prices, we know which is the better option - to drink or not to drink. So I'll leave that there.

    Relationships. Based on what you've written - here it goes. What is happening in your relationships is a reflection on what is happening in your head. You have periods where you feel good, and periods when you feel down. You have times when relationships are good, and times when they tank. It's not two separate things, it's the same thing. We're back to symptom and root cause.

    I think the adage goes - if you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else. I suppose that could be argued either way. However, I will say that you can' build a castle on a foundation of sand alone. As long as your depression is in the picture, then the risk to any and all relationships remain.

    To be obnoxious about it - you really ought not be in a personal relationship right now. I say this more for the other person, than for yourself. I'm not sure your ready, and able, to sustain a long-term living relationship at the moment. Having a prtner care for you, help you through hard times, is something perhaps all of us has benefited from. But when relationships are new it sounds more like you're seeking a nurse than a lover. I say, take some time out worrying about that, and seek out some resolution to your diagnosis and ongoing treatment.

    Have I loved and lost? Yes. Absolutely. Sometimes I look back and think - thank goodness that went wrong. Sometimes I look back with regret. Such is the circle of life.

    So - my post is preachy, perhaps a little harsh. I don't intend it to be that way. I wish you well, and again, apologies it took so long to respond.