Not sure I can do this anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by raychel_in_wonderland, Jul 23, 2013.

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  1. I'm having a really rough one today (already) and it is only 6:00 a.m. here in Texas. I really don't think I can do this for too much longer. and it really fucking scares me what i am capable of doing to myself.

    I can't continue to live if this is the quality of life I'm going to have. I am literally only getting about 8 hours of sleep a week. I take 8 tylenol p.m. and 4 benadryl every night to try to get some sort of shut eye. Obviously this isn't healthy but nothing else works. NOTHING. Ambien, Lunesta, Seraquel, Trazadone, Unisom, Melatonin, etc. None.

    I mean, I could do everything in my power to exhaust myself. Workout, clean, run errands, whatever. and it doesn't work. I know not sleeping contributes to the depression. But it is just this vicious fucking cycle I can't get out of.

    My mind never stops. never. I can't turn it off. Even when I do get my few precious hours of sleep they aren't a good sleep.. The nightmares I have been having are terrifying.

    And of course since I'm unemployed I can't afford the freakin' sleep study I need. I can't even afford to go to the psychiatrist anymore. And to fix that I need a job. But how the hell can I get a job when I'm not sleeping at all. I can't function on a normal day-to-day basis now and people expect me to hold down a job?

    The hallucinations (auditory) are getting worse...No medicines (anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, etc.) work on me. Nothing stabilizes me. I just want to go numb. I don't want to feel anymore.

    I've lost all my strength and of hope that this is every going to let up.

    I can't do this anymore. I really can't. I don't know how many times I've said that...but seriously. I really don't think I can hold out for much longer.

    I need relief and nothing brings it. I have nothing I enjoy anymore. Nothing I want to do. My dreams and goals and aspirations I once held are dead. I am nothing.. My life is nothing. I don't want to fight anymore. I can't fight anymore.

    i just want it all to end. and i don't want to be stopped or saved this time. i, i just want it all over
  2. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    I have sleeping problems, too. Though, I guess they can't compare to yours as I do get at least 8 hours per day. My thing is, I can never get on a sleep schedule. I need to stay up for a weird amount of time(like 16+ hours) before I feel tired enough to sleep. And that's because, like you, I have way too much stuff on my mind...and it's all negative stuff.

    I, too, find nothing enjoyable anymore. I literally sit all day and stare at the computer screen bored out of my mind. Nothing is fun to me. And I also feel like, on a daily basis, that I can't deal with it anymore. I honestly don't know how I'm still here. As much as I've thought about ending it all....

    You're not alone.
  3. I really don't think there is anything on this planet,fuck that, in this universe worse than not sleeping. Even not being on a good sleeping schedule destroys your mind and body.

    I mean, how do people expect me do be productive at anything when I cannot sleep??

    I can't believe i'm still here either. I've tried twice before but didn't work because drugs and alcohol do not effect my body normally.

    I don't want to keep trying to get better when this is where I end up.
  4. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    I agree with nothing being worse than not sleeping, and that's because I personally love sleeping because it's the only time of the day I actually enjoy. Being unconscious is awesome, if you ask me. Much better than dealing with life.

    How do people expect you to be productive? Because people don't get it. Most people just expect people to be a certain way - that is, being ready to work, be social, do this and that, blah blah. People don't understand people like us. That's why this world isn't a place for us. That's why I think of myself as an alien.
  5. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are 24 and live at home - you qualify to go on your parents insurance if they have - if they do not have you are qualified for medicaid - in either case get on one insurance or the other and get check-up to determine what you need for sleep or other help medically. You worked until January - do you get unemployment ? If not even if you quit you can apply for unemployment - if you quit you will need to file and appeal and will take a couple weeks but can say it was work environment that caused unable to continue and still receive benefits.
    If you cannot get a job/work it is imperative that you get treatment- you will not qualify to apply for any disability assistance if you are refusing medical treatment - and unfortunately that is what will be said if you do not have medical records showing treatment. If you need treatment or to establish record go to ER and explain how suicidal - they will commit you and you will get both treatment and a social worker to help make plan to either return to work or secure benefits. In virtually any alternative from getting on insurance and getting treatment to getting part time waitress job, to getting sent to mental hospital and then social worker assistance in other areas - you will feel better doing something than doing nothing and not feel like you are just suspended in time.
  6. "i like sleep because it is like being dead....without the commitment"

    read that somewhere before. and it is the truth.

    It makes no sense how a body can be so tired and the mind is like "nah, lets stay up for the next 3 days"

    if there is a god..he hates me. i must've done some seriously bad shit in a past life to deserve this. either that or i'm a joke of the universe.
  7. i am on my parents insurance. it doesn't cover anything. example - my dad just had carpal tunnel surgery and insurance covered...wait for it...$9.00 dollars. yep.

    the sleep study would cost me $900.00 which isn't even guaranteed to work because you have to be able to freaking sleep during a sleep study.

    No, i don't get unemployment. My family would mock my very existence if I even talked about getting unemployment. They are so against it. It wouldn't be worth the punishment I would receive at home if I tried to get it. Not trying to shoot down your ideas, i appreciate the input but that is just how I would be treated and I am not sure I could tolerate them belittling me anymore than they already do.

    I'm not refusing treatment. I desperately need it. I, and my family, can't afford it. Each psychiatric visit cost me $150. They don't do much good because medicines don't work on me. And that is all she does (doesn't really do therapy). I've been searching for a different one that insurance would pay more on but I have a very limited pool of choices without having to drive several hours. I live in a small town surrounded by small towns. Closest big city is 2 hours.

    I have a record of treatment. I've gone to a psychiatrist for 14 years.
  8. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    I couldn't agree more.
  9. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((Rachel)) maybe you need some pyschiatric help that is not just and only medicate.. A goo, caring competant therapist that might be able to sooth the beasts within..local mental health center might be able to provide this help at a very reduced rate..

    Years ago was in a similar position.. My parents were nothing but negative throughout.. That just hurts..
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