Not sure I can stop myself.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by beforetheworst, Jun 7, 2009.

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  1. beforetheworst

    beforetheworst Active Member

    So I just walked over 2kms in the cold and dark to fill a prescription for my medication so I could overdose on it. My psychiatrist has put me on weekly subscriptions for this medication because I tend to overdose a lot but I found an old script for it. I have 4 repeats left.

    I know I shouldn't have done that. I knew that when I walked the 2kms to the chemist, but I couldn't stop myself. I then get so excited at the idea of overdosing, even if it doesn't kill me.

    It's like I need to make things really bad for myself so I can use that bad energy to kill myself successfully. I need to be able to completely drown out that part of me that always fucks it up. I need to drown out the feelings of guilt I have for my family and the pain I'd leave for them.

    I hate knowing what I should do at the moment, it makes it harder to do the opposite. I don't know.
  2. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni


    I'm sorry you feel like this :(

    whats got you to the point whereby you feel the need to do this? If you feel able to talk there are lots of people to listen and offer you support to get through this without OD'ing...

    Big hugs
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I really hope you don't do it. Can you talk here about why you want to kill yourself?
  4. History

    History Well-Known Member

    ODing doesnt work and if it does, u die a very slow painful death due to liver failure.
  5. beforetheworst

    beforetheworst Active Member

    Yeah, I know it's a slow and painful death, but I feel I deserve to die like that anyway. As punishment for doing that to my body.

    I am just over living. Everyone is like "you can get through this, you do cope" but atm what if I can't do this anymore? I've been coping for too long.
  6. beforetheworst

    beforetheworst Active Member

    So I didn't OD last night.

    I don't know why.

    I ended up calling a helpline and that made me feel worse. I'm not calling again.

    I'm not sure how tonight will go, I have a feeling i'll end up in hospital at some point over the next week. I'm worried my psychiatrist will put me on an involuntary treatment order and make me have to take my medication and stuff. I signed a contract with her saying i'd stay on my meds and not hurt myself, both of which I have failed at.

    Ugh. Sorry.
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You don't have to apologize!

    What was it about the helpline that made you feel worse?
  8. beforetheworst

    beforetheworst Active Member

    Well I have a regular counsellor there who I talk to frequently and last night the lady was just going on about how often I contact their service which made me feel bad. I couldn't be honest with them because then they would have needed to call the police. She also kept going on about how I am still alive and that I will therefore be able to get through this now. How does she know that? I mean what if that was it?
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Wow. Yeah, I can see your point. Way NOT to be helpful! Obviously, there's a reason you're calling their service, and pointing out how often you call isn't going to make you feel any better.
  10. Sento

    Sento New Member

    I feel like dying too. I hate my life, and I hate who I am.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: welcome to the forum.
  12. beforetheworst

    beforetheworst Active Member

    I spoke to my pdoc this afternoon and she is making my workers see me every day until I see her on Friday.

    I promised her I'd stay safe or I'd call them if I was going to do anything. But I've taken an OD and broken that promise and now my workers have finished for the night.

    I'll probably end up in hospital tomorrow when they come around to see me, thats if I tell them. I didn't want to tell my pdoc I was going to OD because she would have made me go to hospital and I didn't want anything to get in the way of it happening.

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