So I just walked over 2kms in the cold and dark to fill a prescription for my medication so I could overdose on it. My psychiatrist has put me on weekly subscriptions for this medication because I tend to overdose a lot but I found an old script for it. I have 4 repeats left. I know I shouldn't have done that. I knew that when I walked the 2kms to the chemist, but I couldn't stop myself. I then get so excited at the idea of overdosing, even if it doesn't kill me. It's like I need to make things really bad for myself so I can use that bad energy to kill myself successfully. I need to be able to completely drown out that part of me that always fucks it up. I need to drown out the feelings of guilt I have for my family and the pain I'd leave for them. I hate knowing what I should do at the moment, it makes it harder to do the opposite. I don't know.