not sure i did the right thing

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by dumdumgurl, May 21, 2007.

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  1. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    i was getting all set to do me in this afternoon. i swallowed some pain meds to relax me and had eaten before that to make sure i didnt' vomit due to an empty stomach. i did take anti-nasea meds but alittle while ago i vomited and i didnt' even take any more meds but that may have been due to stress and maybe i can make a doc appointment and get the primary to order me some anxiety medicine toh help with the anxiety of what i have to do. of course if the pain meds didn't have a bitter taste it would be all the better but i just have to be brave and not waste anymore meds because i do have enough to do in an elephant but if you vomit, oh well it doesn't work!

    so i noticed that i had lost some weight in the mirror and that is what stopped me from offing myself today but what about tomorrow and the day after that. i'm feeling really depressed right now and don't know why i put off doing it today, i can always do it tomorrow and still have enough time before i'd be found due to a medical appintment for which a family member has to drive me. i lasted last time 11 days with no food or water and was on my last legs so i have allowed for that plus a day or two more.. although i've more pain meds this time around and wish i could have sme antianxiety medicine to prevent me from stress vomiting.

    i'm not sure if i did the right thing by putting it off what if it only gets worse and my stress is too high i can't swallow the way i need to swallow?

    did i do the right thing and why if i did the right thing was it the right thing to do for me??????
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes, you did the right thing :hug:
    The reason it was the right thing to do is because you still have a reason to live, a will to live, you can find the strength deep down inside to put it off....... today it was because you had lost some weight, tomorrow or in a few days time it may be a different reason.
    Please keep on striving to find a reason to keep going until one day you realise that u no longer need to dig quite so deep to find that reason or better still you realise that you actually want to be alive.
  3. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    thanks for the kind words.... they really do act as a salve to such a broken heart.

    i'm just so scared rightnow and being with god seems to be where my heart and head are right now. i'd like to be able to survive another 40 years but i dont really think i can because when it hits again i'mgoing to think my god i should have just been doing tihs sooner.

    how am i going to get ajob after being out of work for 3 years due to a work injury. workers comp could have "fixed"me two years ago but instead left me to rot inside a body of pain.well after a near death car accident last july, i finally got the treatment for the workers comp injury under my health insurance. can anyone tellme how do i go about finding ajob and having confidence in finding that job in the near future. i have to have surgery on the 13th and i'm hoping that the doc is wrong andit's the hardware in my leg that is causing the problem and not arthritis. oh god my god OHMY GOD please let me get a break on this one and have it be the plate and screws that are the problem. can anyone tell me how to face this ungodly fear and to overcome it to find a better tomorrow. adn my weight only saved me because i had been overweight due to hormones (i have endometriosis) and my ex used to say i was overweight and ishould put that down in my online romance profile. how can he be so cruel but when i saw himhe looked fugly (pardon the french it stands for fucking ugly) looked like hell in a handbasket and instead of it making me feel goodit sort of mademe sad because i dont' wish harm onanyone even though i could care less about me.

    can anyone tellmehow to deal with no job and gas prices and living alone (i can't live witha roommate i'm too private for that) and not end up onthe streets. family is not an optoinas ithought my dad would leave me in the middle of the road last year when he had me after the accident. there are no options so if ican't get a job that pays, i'm out on the streets why would i want to live like that. somebody? anybody? help......

  4. slim_to_none

    slim_to_none Well-Known Member

    you did you do the right thing hun.
    you want to live, its obvious through your words.
    you are thinking things through.
    i dont have the answer, i wish i did, all i can say is to keep fighting.
    there are people out there who care, and people who will help you in your time of need. you just need to reach out.
    take care of yourself.
    pm if needed.
  5. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member


    part of me wants to live the part of me that wants to end it naturally but i can't say that it will turn out that way. see if you have a broken leg than nobody questions it but if you have a broken soul, well than people say you are mentally ill. i don't see it as being mentally ill, it's society that has that stigma not us who suffer from broken souls. and i dont' think god would punish us if we did seek heaven before our time; and i pray to god each night to have me not wake up.

    when i OD'd two years ago my sister broke out the rolodex to tell anyone with a phone of my plight. i'm not materialfor the national enquirer and it made alot of people uncomfortable. heck i have to givemyself credit for not trying anything for 20 years but now i've hit the bottom. to summarize:

    have had endometriosis since age 24 went through several artificial menopause and finally got pain relief in the city pain center.
    had bullies at work who were given management positinsand becasue i woudlnt' cave in and be afraid ofhershe attacked meeven more.
    just as i got healed i got hurt at work and have been out on leave for three years.
    had thenear fatal car accident last july where they airlifted meto the city hospital.
    my ex was just mean and hateful and yet i get teh feeling he's not being totally open with me but it hurts me to my very core and ican't remember the "good" times because i feel used and abused.
    ihvae to go have surgery to remove plates and screws frm my right leg kneecap area dn the city doc didn't agree with the local ortho that it was the hardware and that he thought it might be arithitis and that would just kill me to have live through more chonic pain. my neurologist said he thoght i was getting used to pain because the back fractures dont' bother me and they should. so i'm no starnger to pain but i want to live i want to live and not be crippled. can this be done?
    my family isn't supportive and i'm all alone in this world. if only i could hang on and make it through another 40 years i would be happy but i dont' knw i can do that. i wont' have a job to go back to due to a reorg and what am i supposed to do if i can't afford to live on what i make. i'mnot strong enough to work two jobs. and i dont' feellike i can be a gf to a man and have him take care ofme. it would be perfect if icould find a man who has kids and a great family andthen i wuld at least know i have people who will look after me wheni'm old. d i have to be an 80 year old on the streets. how do you go about getting help when you have no family to give you help. i also get a feeling i'm going to be the only one alive in my limited immediate family. im so scared and that might be the actual reason i do me in is because i dont' know how to take care of me and won't be set financially after this latest setback.

    how can i do this and what optins do i have? i have plenty to be depresseda bout and i've never had anything handed to me. i've also got double visin froma fall i took in january and that could have been prevented but i took one too many muscle relaxants (not to do anything besides take away the pain) why do these things have to happen and happen and happen some more.

    i've read so many of your posts... those of you who have really been supportive and i knw you honetsly try to help but i dont think i can be helped. it's just a matterof time before i know i have the means and like i said i really willneedto see my primary and get anxiety (well itmight help ease my fears but i'm not counting on it)meds. any idea how a senior citizen who doestn' have any immediate familiyu get help intheir "golden" years. my gosh i've beeninthe bathroom for three days going to the GI tract distress and right now if icould just take a sleeping pill and not have to do the whole OD thing and tehn just not wake up i'd be happier than a fly on shit.

    anyone encounter a similar post somewhere and can help with the solution. counseling is just a waste of time; i've had several and it ust doesnt' help andneither do the meds. like i said before the only problem is ihave a high tolerance so it would takeme more to do it than the average and it's not something i want to have. i'm also not materialistic so i dont' need much but i also lived 11 daysw with no food or water, imean how much more of an effort do ihave to give it to be successful.

    any ideas from ANYONE??????
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