Not Sure If I Am Going To Be Able To Cope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Feb 17, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    So I started my placement for my masters. It is really intersting. The team and the work is brilliant. Although I have not really been pushed yet. Not until today. Things are starting to pile up. My to do list gets longer every day. I have been better in mood this last week. I think because I feel as though I have purpoce and I am kept busy. I wake up and don't feel like going, I come home and don't feel like going the next day but once I am there I am enjoying it. I am scared though. I only have a couple of my own clients at the moment as I am new to the role. I am going to get more and to pass I need to be able to manage more. But I don't feel as though I can cope with it. Today I have started having thoughts come back in to my head about self harm and suicide.

    If my mental health were better I would be fine. But at the moment I am struggling to hold it together. I know I will end up letting tonight. I need the release. It's going to get worse also.

    I am also worrying about seeing clients or staff I know from it when I am attending my own appointments. It makes me not want to go but I know I need to. I already stopped well never started after the assessment one service as I know we worked closely with them. So I am worried about that. I don't want to disengage but I know I will if I think I will be "found out". I am not willing to take the chance.

    I can't turn off or wind down at the moment. I feel as though everything is running through my head at a million miles an hour. I am finding it really hard to relax and not be fidgeting etc.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I do that to just dread going to work but once i am there i am so much better because i am in a field of work i love. You will be able to help many because you can understand the pain and suffering they are in. Talk to professor and just see if you can go at your own pace for awhile and explain why okay i am sure they will understand. Afterall they are in the business of mental health. I Hope you continue to do well okay and not harm yourself treat yourself as you would any client with care and understanding hugs
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    My placement isn't mental health related. I don't want people to think I can't cope either so saying anything isn't really an option.
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I know she didn't mean to make me feel worse but she has. My mum said she ran in to Gom's mum today. They work in the same building so was bound to happen sooner or later. But she said that Goms mum had said how much she missed me, that she loved me, that she kept hoping she would bump in to me as she wants to give me a hug. It's made me realise how much I miss them. I didn't just lose Gom in the relationship but also three others who I loved as much as my own family.

    I have not been in contact with them since I sent a post card to them from Vietnam last May. I didn't think it was right to when Gom had a new girlfriend. It wasn't fair on LD (see blog for all names and who they referr to) if I was in contact with them and I didn't want to put them in an awkward position either. But I really miss them. Martine was like a sister and I cared about her like I would a sister. She was of course the much prettier, thinner, talented one. And she was so nice. Bitch! LOL. But don't you just hate people like that. It's ok if they're a horrible person but she wasn't. Grrrr! No jealousy there then! :)

    I feel so fed up. I miss my second family but at the same time I don't want to be in contact with them as just a reminder of what I had and now I don't and now LD does.

    Don't know. Maybe it's just me being silly.

    I really thought things may have been beginning to take a turn with how I was feeling as I love my placement. But I am thinking it was just the first few initial days where felt good and now I have settled it's going back to how it was. I know I have been writing a lot recently which does distract me and I have been doing a lot of placement work in the evenings like sending out emails on clients behalf and working. I think it's just that I distracted myself so much from it it's now hitting me with vengence. Sort of saying "ignore me you little bastard, I'll show you"! I thought that this may happen though. I think I have said previously. But I didn't think it would happen so soon.

    Maybe I am just self sabataging.

    I didn't get to see Sam yesterday as she couldn't make it. She text me to tell me but entered number wrong. I wouldn't have got it anyway as my ohone died. But I am going to see her tomorrow. I am worried about that. Things I have not really given too much thought to before have been coming up. Things that have never affected me before are doing now.

    Grrrr. I am angry, upset, scared, anxious, worried and low all at the same time. I need to change that around to happy, motivated, energetic, organised, high!
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Maybe its the relaxing that is important. I found that academic endeavours left me just as exhausted as working. But the lack of physical exercise led to stress, so although a good days education made me tired - I was not physically tired and therefore, like you, twitching, thoughts racing and so on.

    My cure was more exercise. No gym needed! I'd do pull ups on any spare surface that allowed it - and stretching. Also take your shoes off for half an hour - got taught that by a workmate who was into Eastern Religions and so on. What you do is curl all your toes down - gradually apply more strength, release, pressure, release.

    Best of all though is a nice evening walk - perhaps a hour or so after a meal.

    Also, your diet! You need to eat well if your working! Not crisps, chocolates and fizzy pops! I swore that if I ate junk food when working (especially night shift) I FELT like a chemical junk-yard.

    Do you drink coffee I wonder? I used to drink the normal UK powdered instant stuff - then changed to high caffeine peculated stuff. I felt twitchy - got addicted to it - then stopped using and felt a little bit better for it.

    My No 1 enemy in work was dehydration. Thankfully we had that bottled water (we put tap water into it, nobody knew a thing) and a nice chilled cup was 300ml. I'd drink maybe ten easily in a 12 hour shift. That's 3 L which is 1 more than the recommended but if your active then its not doing any harm

    I know depression in general is about the negation of joy - but regardless of that we should all keep a book we love, music we love, maybe your sacred guitar (all hail). The last thing we want is to wake up feeling like we could write the 1812 overture and find we have no paper or pens to write the score.

    Computers are good for creativity. I suppose its always handy to learn new skills in software and so on. I can get lost in code - some people do it knitting, crochet, or polishing the collection of whatever they collect. Art, music, poetry, writing, or maybe carving wood.

    Work is good - even when it sometimes feels like its not. Trust me, being unemployed is no barrel of laughs. It can be fun sometimes sure, but we all want to wake up and have 8 hours or so doing something and getting paid for it. Better still if you work in a field you love and which really does good.

    Good luck with your academic achievements - things can get hectic but please keep it up as your an inspiration to many of us who have home made certificates saying 'I am great, honest' to hand to a potential employer. I've studied and liked it but the courses dried up after I done all the basics in maths, English and computer technology.

    Anyhow, curl those toes - drink enough water and maybe chill out and have the odd glass of wine or something. I'd say a nice long walk would leave you WAY less stressful than you'd be if you sat here for two hours or whatever.

    Try it!

    I'm off out myself now on my rounds. Take a nice walk and so on.

    I'll check up later to see if your feeling any better.

    I'll leave you with this...

    A agoraphobic man, never been out for fifteen years, wakes up to smell smoke. Fearing his house might be on fire he gets up and discovers flames.

    'S***' he thinks. 'I'm scared to go out in case something bad happens, but on the other hand, I'm scared I'll burn to death'

    So he runs out the door, screaming, and bangs his head on a fireman's hose, which goes off and blinds him in both eyes. He gets taken to hospital.

    Surgeon tells him "You'll never see again, but there is a good chance your agoraphobia will go away"

    The man says "Why is that, because I can't see the difference between the outdoors and indoors?

    Surgeon says "Actually, your now homeless as the house burnt down".
  6. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I don't really drink coffee. Only occasionly. I know my diet needs to improve. These past couple of weeks it has been shocking. Loads of crap. I have been craving sweets and chocolate and give in to them. One of my problems is my weight so I know I am in a viscous circle with that one. I have gotten quite forgetful these past few weeks and have not been very good at taking my medication for PCOS. It's good stuff as reduces your appetite once it is in your system enough...that's just a side effect of it not what it actually does but a positive side effect.

    I need to make sure I eat better. And drink more water. I need to exercise also. My garden backs on to an amazing park yet I never use it. Now the nights are getting lighter I should use it after work. I think the dog would like me more also.

    On the creative side I keep a blog. I use it as a distraction method and also just to write.

    Thanks for the joke gave me a giggle! Much needed.

  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hmmmm craving sweets, that's me 24/7 and I have the piggy belly to prove it!! Hun maybe you are just being a little too hard on yourself. You are trying to live like nothing is really wrong when so many things are. Your mole hole is a mountain. Hun try to take one thing at a time. And yes please please keep posting. It certainly does help and I hope that knowing you have friends and members here that care helps a little too :arms:
  8. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    My counsellor said exactly the same thing. My way of getting thruough life is thinking andd feeling "well, it;s already happened there is nothing I can do about it", then I box it and put it away. That's why she thinks things are coming out now. I have boxed things, not dealt with them and tried to move on.
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well you've got the perfect place here to let them out now. And you have the help of what sounds like a counselor that actuallys knows a thing or two. I'm listening. Give it a good kick at the can hun!!!!!
  10. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hi. I want to offer you a professional view re your placement. I am a full time SW practice teacher with 20 years experience, so I know what I'm talking about. I am guessing that you will find this suggestion hard but here goes. My comments are intended with love.
    I have known many students who have tried to prove to themselves and others that they can cope and have denied what is going on for them. They and the placement break down at some point.
    Talk to your practice teacher and discuss coping strategies e.g. avoiding certain areas.
    You have to be open and honest about this or you will crash. It's a professional way to address it and you owe it to your service users to be professional.
    It might also be the most honest and professional thing to recognise that you need to have a break from or end your studies. That does not equate to failure - recognising that the time and circumstances are not right is more positive than floundering.
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Thanks Fitzy. I spoke to my mum about it last night. She put another idea in my head and has made me feel loads better about it all. She said that he may not have those thoughts but that I may be seeing someone in the area. So now I have a well if he thinks that let them see me. LOL.

    I spoke to the counsellor about it also and we agreed to give it time. I can't avoid places all my life. She said although I feel stupid about the way I feel as it's an inanimate object that it's sort of normal. I am grieving a relationship. If you think of when you experience grief then the first time you do something that reminds you of that person then it is gong to upset you, even things like the smell of a perfume, a song. So it's normal. I feel a lot better for discussing it with the counsellor and feel as though I can deal with it. I even looked more in to the house for my client and it wouldn't have been suitable in the end as they wouldn't have accepted her!

    I can deal with this and I will do.

  12. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Go for it!!! xxx
  13. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member


    If you are a practice educator I may need your Is it something you are still doing?

  14. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Working with students is my passion! I train PEs and am able to draw on a lot of experience.
    Feel free to PM me with any questions you have xxxxx
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