Not sure if I am hanging on anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SilhouetteOfADancer, Sep 6, 2011.

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  1. SilhouetteOfADancer

    SilhouetteOfADancer Active Member

    I'm pretty much alone in the world, for me friends don't come and go, they just casually float by and leave over the horizon. I feel like crap near enough 24/7 and I've had enough. The people I care about most don't even respect me and for the people I don't so much, I'm more of a court jester.

    If things weren't bad enough in this circumstantial existence I'm every day fighting with something like or similar to anorexia that doubles my daily stress and adds to an already insufferable depression.

    For a long time, I'd just want to cut, make myself bleed, but now it won't suffice. Death has often been an unconsidered option, but now, it is more of a favourable one and I just don't want to be like this anymore; don't want to be alive anymore.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I know the feeling.
    But thats not the answer. When youa re at the point, looking at things wrong in your life and asking 'how can I change them?' is surely less scary than death?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    aw hun you are so deep in depression so much darkness you just need some hope hun. There is hope out there Please pick up the phone okay call crisis line talk to someone or go to hospital and get the help you need to get out of that darkness okay Please reach out now before it gets to hard to do hun reach out and get help for you hugs
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Izwig - sorry to see you feeling this way - but as for being alone in the world - your not alone here and anyone who is here trying to help has been through depression and suicidal thoughts - suicide ideation as it were. Thinking about it all the time!

    The people around you - its hard to know if they do care - because we are hiding something - and its a fear that people will not accept you if your honest.

    Well - a friend who does not accept you for being depressed is not a friend. Some might struggle at first - be shocked - and its generally VERY difficult for people to talk about suicide. Worse still - even good people, will struggle and might say things which do not help.

    As for being a court jester - many with depression hone a good sense of humour - its a social skill that helps us avoid being 'tagged' as depressed. For years - I was terrified of being exposed - and always thought I'd sooner be dead than admit I was depressed.

    Well - like you I came here - made one post - and wondered if I'd feel better for sharing things.

    I have also learnt NEVER to judge anyone - to dismiss some as less depressed than you. I thought I had the worse depression - and everyone else here was maybe just fed up! - But - I know different now - in some ways I realise I am lucky - but at the same hand 30 years of depression is hardly a lottery win! Either way - if I was told I had to go back and do it all again - I'd endure it because right now - I feel OK - in fact, I've set a few radical things in motion for me - so I can be more effective at helping others - in particular people like us!

    Some might read what I say and think "Sh** - this guy had depression for 30 years" - but I only carried it for long because I carried it alone! Most people - I'm guessing - are not going to do that.

    Well - you have shared here - I'm not sure how old you are - but not that old I guess. The important thing is that you've let this out - taken a chance that people do care in this world - and rest assured many people care very much!!

    Depression always made me think of a poem by Jim Morrison - a short one...

    "This is it
    no more fun
    the death of all joy
    has come"

    THAT is what I thought. Aged 17. I'm 46 now - soon to be 47 - and Jim Morrison - if he was alive - we'd be going out for a nice drink. Likely as not stop off at the studio at 3.00am or something accompanied by interesting women! Of course - we would not touch them! We got music to create - but they can listen - and we need that little audience to test a few new songs.


    Anyhow - I know how bad you feel - I know THE process of wondering who is your friends and who might be acquaintances - people in your formal circle.

    Our life needs a circle of trust - that might be one person - YOU! - but we have to trust our own judgement before we are ready to face this struggle in earnest. Because - with depression - when young - you struggle with the social skill-sets that allow us to communicate with others. I was lucky - by the time I realised I was depressed I was already a big talking man. Not bigheaded - not talking about me! loll - O like to be the one to break any awkward silence - to start a conversation - to draw strangers together and not let people leave left out.

    I think you have some of these skills - but right now you don't want to be a court jester - and you want to be taken seriously also. Well - I'm a funny guy - I can be - but if anyone starts thinking I'm a clown to amuse them - and takes it a step far - I'm also someone you don't want to meet. I admit - I draw people in - offer up an easy target (act stupid) then start throwing little intellectual 'shots' at them - turn the tables - and make idiots expose themselves - and anyone listening to this is going to be interested - and amused.

    Maybe its not good advice. I'm just saying that you can play games with bullies - and I'm always on the lookout for them. But there will be a few men here who know what I'm saying. For example - how many women have been out - only to have some man badmouthing them - making nasty remarks? This can spoil your night - so if I heard this - and I watch out for it - then I'd turn the tables - and hopefully turn a potentially upsetting incident into something amusing for everyone apart from the bad-mouthing jerk.

    We can 'lose' friends also. Hey! If your down in dumps for months - sitting in playing your guitar and turning down every invite - you have to accept that some will assume you have other things to do.

    But friends for me - are people who don't mind how I am. I know lots of people who I rarely see - I don't use Facebook because it takes the chance encounter out of meeting people. I know people - good friends who I trust 100% - they trust me 100%. Anyone you would let stay in your home - and give them a key - that's trust.

    Well - my struggle was maybe 'pointless' - maybe I spent 30 years doing something that I might have got sorted in a few months - but I've NEVER had a conversation about depression that included me. Not until this year.

    I feel good about depression now. Without it - who would I have been? I ask myself that - and have to accept that - bad as things have been for me - its been a tremendous help in many ways. It turned me from someone who would have robbed anyone - just if I met you - nothing violent - but what was yours would have been mine.

    I also realised I was angry - and had to make a special effort to make sure that was diverted away from loved ones. Again - not good advice to offer here for everyone - but for some men - we have to fight something. So for me - I guess political violence attracted me - being a football hooligan was OK until I reached 15 - got punched one time too often and asked why. I had lots of fights as a kid - more a hobby than hating other kids - mostly just fighting your mates - we are daft I know - but we have grown up now. But also I have a family tradition and every man has a kind of legacy to follow in that standing up for your rights is just as important as anything else in life. Your women - kids, if you have them - you might say they matter more - but history does not care about how happy you were - your job - kids- how you look and so on. We are not more important than history - but we can be a small part of it - help change things for the better in a myriad of ways.

    I'm not saying we do not matter - we do - and our experience of this life is profound - its something WE have to share - because our life is not a series of happy days and events and with depression we need to connect to others.

    I've lost count of the times I seriously thought I'd be better off dead.

    But I got to say - I had many great times also. Times I've popped out - feeling down - and decided to hitch-hike.

    I've never fallen out with anyone - not even women! I mean a lot of men get to my age - and carry THAT issue - like a crucifix!

    Relationships - I guess that is the tipping point for many. with depression. My experience is that you've got a lot of dynamics going on there - but at the start of any relationship - for me at least - its unfair to hide the depression. The best time to share - is a first date. I'm dropping THAT bombshell and if she cannot handle it - that is her loss!

    But - choose carefully - don't drink a lot and spill your heart out to anyone!

    And if your just having a casual fling - a trade-off - it will help for a limited period but you got to do this with no emotional attachment - and could get used fairly easily or make things worse - because if depression slams you hard enough - it would not matter if 1000 dancing girls were there for company.

    Anything else? I guess I'm striking out a little again - but I'm trying to push the idea that depression is not the end of the world.

    If it was - I'd be dead and I know the world would not be as good. Not that I'm kissing my own ass here - I just know that a kind word off a stranger can help someone. I've walked places - hitch hiked - had my guitar sometimes - well all the times - and not a penny in my pockets. But - the hundreds of people I met on the road - all walks of life from a genuine Lord with his chauffeur - to drunken gypsies, soldiers and men on the run!

    I've had money also - but who is your friend then? Answer - everyone would be. But I had money and I had none - and when I had none - that is when I see who really cares.

    I've had strangers put me up for the night. I've had lorry drivers buy me meals. I've been to parties! And although women are not usually advised to give guys lifts - I think my guitar helps - plus I always have a sign saying something amusing - and my destination. Once had a sign saying 'anywhere' .

    On some ways - that is were you at now - anyone thinking of suicide - is thinking of alternatives also - the mind always has that held in reserve.

    So with depression - getting anywhere is the start - anywhere that is not just sitting were you are - and ruminating and allowing your mind to sing the blues - and negative thoughts to reign supreme.

    To get to anywhere - it takes ONE STEP. Or for us - one decision - which hopefully entails telling someone about how you feel.

    So Izwig - you done that - others also- and hope someone listens.

    I connect with what your saying 100% - its sounds normal to me - nothing unusual apart from the fact that its YOUR LIFE and your frightened - scared, apprehensive about what is 'wrong' with you.

    Admitting you feel this way is maybe the most important thing you ever done in your life.

    And if people around you can accept you for now - try not to worry - you got to concentrate on yourself and get a little bit better and then you will be able to find friends and hopefully have the courage to share how you feel with them.

    I cannot write this much for everyone - so I want anyone else who is making a first post or who is new - to at least see that we CAN win - and many people with depression live VERY successful lives.

    Please also accept that humanity is not bad - we're brilliant at our best - but sure there are some people who are not so nice - and many who are just indifferent and perhaps will never understand depression until they meet me - and I rekindle their lifetime dreams - then reverse the tactic and destroy it all IF the Karma seems 'right'. Well - I can upset them a lot- make them see how easy it is to feel negative.

    One day - in the not so distant future - I think we will get the DNA link to depression sorted out. We will invent new meds - kinder ones - and we will put pacemakers on people - already happening - with the electrical charge stimulating the brain. Ongoing - seems like it might be something to replace ECT.

    BUT - don't be fooled that the human condition is some simple chemistry formulae. Also accept that sometimes in life - its right to feel depressed - to feel anger.

    But do be hopeful - dream a little - great things happen - and sometimes life changes in an instant. I've witnessed it many times. Mate of mine - thought he was dying on mushrooms - I introduce him to this hippy girl I knew - and both love me still! I enable that kind of stuff all the time. The only downside is they all want me to be married! - ahhh - natural reaction that they want me to share the happiness I enabled - but I'm so young - lol. Lets talk about having a party.

    Most changes I enable are the simple one of trying to discover what talents people have. I got a lot of contacts in education - know the benefits system in the UK and what grants are there for those who struggle financially. Also try to help the kids - the poor ones - who are in homes that don't have a nice family and nobody reads to them - they get swore at - a lot - and never encouraged.

    I bought a few nice pens - gave them to my nephews but remembered one of the kids whose parents - to be frank - don't give a damn. Thing is - poor as they are - and although the kid has a criminal record which must be on 30 arrests - he is amazingly bright - uncannily so - he has conversations with me that are beyond his age. Anyone who never had that love as a kid off a family - I know there are lots of people who have a lot of love - and it comes with no

    Giving him a pen - sure its nice - but maybe you know some kid like this - and maybe you are not poor! A little bit of charity is good for the soul. If you got no money - time is better to give. If you got not the time - money is easy to give - or buy things - find ways of sharing any good fortune. Well - I always done that and always kind of get money when I need to have it.

    One last tip - the 3.45 handicap hurdle at Newmarket.

    Only kidding - betting on horses is a good way to get depressed!


    Read what you can - its long - I'm not really expecting every word to matter - but some will - and different ones for different people also - so I vary things - because we all vary also.

    Good luck and don't give up the fight!
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