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Not sure if I am in the right place here.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by sa-chan, Oct 27, 2015.

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  1. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    Hello everyone :)

    I will try to keep things short (I say this even though I most probably won't, sorry for that XD). I am an 18 years old college student, have very few friends (and even these are not really close to me) and not really any kinds of hobbies except what I am currently studying (if that qualifies as hobby).

    Not sure what it is that made me this fucked up, I am undiagnosed because I just don't know how to go to a professional without dying of a prolonged panic attack (a year ago I was close to going to one but I failed because the doctor sent me his cell phone number and I was incapable of making myself do that call...), but if I may make a guess what it is I am highly certain to have bipolar 2 and some obesessional traits.

    I am not actively suicidal in a way that you should worry that I am going to kill myself, but when I feel low it's usually literally the only thing I am capable thinking about for hours and when I am not low I will still have intrusive thoughts about killing myself when I feel even low amounts of stress. I also sometimes vocalize these thoughts but it's more like a mechanic response of my mind to a feeling I don't like.

    I am gay and I am ok with that but I have realized that I just am not able to let anyone even barely near me so that complicates my life further, because all my rare attempts at socializing that I am really scared of almost always end up in a kind of failure.

    To not be entirely negative in this first post of mine on here, I am a big fan of the anime Gintama and I also like listening to weird music all day. Though I should be studying instead, but on days like today my brain is just not working right so it's no use.

    2 people like this.
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    sa-chan, Hi welcome to SF, I would say that yes You are in the right place, I believe that you will be able to find some answers here!
    l don't know how many but some, that is for sure! I am sorry that you have this burden, on top of which you don't even know what it is for sure , I do understand what you are going through as well as some of what you are dealing with! I want yo to know that you have come to a Safe Place, the people here are very caring and discreet as well as non-judgmental! I deal with Severe Clinical depression as well as P T S D, I have been treated for Depression for over 25 years, I was Diagnosed with P T S D recently, I was unaware that I was suffering from it, I was in the service I have seen action and other things! I was thinking it was just life that was being difficult for me! I am not even a layman in some of the terminology that is used in here, there are others in here that can an will help you with that. I will be around if you need any help or have a problem, I do hope that you can feel comfortable here, the people here are friendly I hope that you can possibly even make a few friends here! Be safe in Life an Be gentle on yourself!
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  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forum,

    yup you are right the right place, weird music, not many friends, suicidal thoughts, that fits the bill! I mean that in a nice way, everyone is accepted here. You seem like an interesting person, have a look around and familiarize yourself with the forum and see if many threads interest you. I am glad you found us here and welcome to SF :)
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  4. NotSoJoyful

    NotSoJoyful Member

    Hi sa-chan. I'm new here as well and since joining yesterday I can say this is definitely the right place. By joining and letting us into your world (which deserves an applause on its own), you've done a good thing for yourself (even if you're still not sure). I'm glad you're here. (I hope that didn't sound like an automated response, it was genuinely sincere. That greeting was tailor made just for you! Lol)
    As you take the steps to being in a better space (rather physically, emotionally, or mentality) just know that you can get what you lack from the outside world, here. Don't be shy and don't hesitate to say ANYTHING. The members are kind and welcoming.
    There's never too little or too much that you can share. It's nice to "meet" you. Maybe we can learn things from each other while we're on here :)
    2 people like this.
  5. Al-dabaraan

    Al-dabaraan Member

    Hello sa-chan,
    I think I'm quite similar to you. I feel as if I were under the Sword of Damocles when I talk to someone, even if s/he calls me a friend. Don't worry, here are other people who can share your feeling, not only me. You're not the only person who feel like that.

    The man who writes this reply is doing as well as you (for several months:confused:). Although I think it's time that I get back, still I can't.

    By the way, I'm a person from the country of Gintama;)
    Although (unfortunately) I have neither read nor watch Gintama ever, I also love listening to weird music. I don't know whether the musics you call weird correspond with the ones I call weird, but I like to see and listen something new to me. Thus let's talk, if you don't mind:)
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  6. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    Hi y'all. :)

    First of all thank you so much for your replies to my post and sorry for replying late, I have been kind of busy with school the past days.
    I will now reply to each one of you:

    True-Lee, you were the first to greet me here, so you get a special #1 trophy. :)
    I am really sorry however that it took so long for your PTSD having been diagnosed and for you having had to go through the things that caused it.
    But I think clarity is a grand big first step into the right direction of recovery so I think you can make it! I wish you all the best on your path and thanks for your offer, I'll be around the forum too I guess.

    Hi Petal, I am glad that I am not the only one who likes weird music. I think that what really attracts me to weird music is finding the same weirdness in it that is
    the substrate we call our worlds. I didn't add that I like writing weird things too, but it didn't sound like this should be an issue... :'D

    Hi NotSoJoyful, I will accept your greeting as a tailor made greeting for me and ignore the possibility of it having been set by a bot. ;) I don't think that my issue is that I cannot let others in inside my world, but rather one of my fundamental issues seems to be that I appear to live in a different world than everyone else does.

    Anyway you are right that in fact I have no one in real life to talk seriously about issues like they seem to be commonly discussed on here, so I am really glad that this place exists. I used to frequent Reddit a lot but this forum seems to be something quite different, it kind of has the atmosphere of being more familiar I guess?

    And I think it's nice to "meet" you too ;)

    Hello Al-dabaraan,

    I am not sure if I am glad that you also feel this way, in some ways it's sad that anyone has to feel this way. But I guess we just sort of have to accept that Damocles does what he wants to do.

    I hope you will be able to get back to studying soon, I think it's kind of like a chicken-or-the-egg dilemma. As me is concerned I have not really made any long break of school since I first got into school. But I know exactly that if I were to make one I would fall into a negative downwards spiral of not doing anything, not having motivation to do something, not doing what I really want and so on. I guess you might know what I mean. Then if you are in that situation getting back into school must be really hard because you don't have the motivation and the power to study and it will just confirm you in pushing you even further down the path.
    However I don't think it means that you are lost or something (I actually think that it really needs a real lot to fuck someone up completely) it just means that it is harder to get back again. I wish you all the best with this, if you feel overwhelmed by it I think it's best to approach problems step by step.

    I think Gintama is one of the few shows that made me smile even when I really didn't feel like it so yeah I kind of like it for what it is. But it has too many episodes so it also kind of is perfect to escape from reality, though this really isn't a good thing to do! And also you might find it a bit offending since besides many things it also parodies a lot of Japan's history.

    I guess you might know some of the music I like listening to. Maybe you have heard of Ling Tosite Sigure or Yousei Teikoku? I sometimes listen to J-Pop as well. Otherwise I really like Grimes, IIRIS and some others.

    My reply to you was the longest because you have also written about the most different things. If you prefer to you can also PM me.

    I wish you a nice time and a good day!
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