Not sure if I'm in the right place.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ~Jaded~, Jun 20, 2011.

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  1. ~Jaded~

    ~Jaded~ Active Member

    Not sure if I have come to the right place, maybe people like me can get help, maybe we can't, but I wasn't sure where else to go. I am 20 years old, I have self harmed since I was 13, and felt depressed all my life. I spent a year in a Hospital when I was 16, but the place messed me up more than it helped. I met my partner in there but she was readmitted soon after her release, and in the year she spent there i began to use a lot of drugs. When she got out we both began using.

    Now we are living together, and I'm a student, we are both heavy smokers (Weed and Reg's) and use a fair amount of opiates. The ward didn't help either of us and it feels like drugs are the only other place we had to turn. I'm in much deeper than her, I think about killing myself on a daily basis, and the only solution i have is to get so wrecked that I can't think anymore. I also drink far to much, all day everyday. I'm surprised my liver hasn't given in yet.

    This apropoch to things was actually working until about a 2 mouths ago, but since then things have gotten much worse. My cutting and burning has gotten much worse, and my mother has told me that she used to beat me quite badly as a child, I don't remember much of this, and always thought that while she never shyed away from aggression it didn't classifie as abuse, but now I'm not sure sure. Finding this out has made things very tought, and I ended up getting sectioned (136 I think) 2 days later after I passed out on a pavement from too much booze, and with lots of blood around from wounds on my arm. Luckily they let me out with out sending me back to a ward.

    I have also finally accepted my Gender, and I am now identifying as Trans Gender, this is the hardest thing for my at the moment. I have told my Girlfriend,, but while supportive towards me, I know it hurts her, and she doesn't want me to transition. I'm not sure what I want yet.. I just want to be me. I have shaven off all my body hair, taken on a new name, and am seriously considering HRT. I know I need to see a gender therapist, but I just can't, and I'm so scared about what this is doing to my partner. This is the hardest thing I'm going through at the moment, and I just don't know what to do about it, I don't know who I am. Is my name Charles, or Natasha? and should the pronoun "she" or "he" be used to refer to me at this point? I have no idea.

    I've upped the dose of my anti depressants, but have not actually told my GP that I've done this (I'll have to on my next visit) but it's not helping yet, and I'm not sure if it ever will. I'm very worried I'm going to lose control again and end up getting sectioned again, or something even worse. I've come very close to suicide in the last few days, and I wouldn't make the mistake of messing around with pills like I've done in the past, I don't think I would kill myself, but when I get low I lose control, It's like I'm not me anymore, I do things that I would never do when I get like that, and it scares me. I'm also worried because the suicide rate among trans gendered people who don't transition is around 50%, and given my history I wonder if mine should be higher still. I don't feel like I'm a missive risk to myself when I'm like this. But when I'm getting manic I don't know what I might do: I'm just trying to stay drunk and sedated so that I don't have to find out.

    I don't know if people like me can get help.. or even if we deserve it. But I can't do this anymore and I had to come somewhere. Sorry if I'm in the wrong place.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun you deserve help and yes there is help for you You are who y ou are okay but you need help okay to get through all the confusion to deal with all the sadness and pain. First you need to get off all the drugs and alcohol so you can see clearly Go in and get concurrent disorder therapy okay that deals with you addictions and your mental health together There is help and you most certainly deserve it hugs to yo u
     
  3. ~Jaded~

    ~Jaded~ Active Member

    I know I need to get off the booze and drugs... but it's just not that simple. I hate that I take them, I hate how I've ended up, I never wanted to be this way. The alcohol is much more of a problem than the drugs to be honest, I drink everyday, mornings, evenings, constantly. I hide it from Susan, and spend far too much money on it. I know she's dissapointed every time she finds a bottle I've hidden. The drugs are actually okay, we smoke a fair bit of weed, but we don't exactly have a constant supply, we have loads for 4 or 5 days, then none for a week or so: we don't exactly control our supply (Or spend any money on it) so it's easier to keep it under control. The opiates are weak one's just codeine and dhyhydrocodiene tried morphine a couple of times, but don't really want to go back there. We filter out the paracetamol, and have 2 or 3 packs each at a time, we only do it rarely thought, mayby once every 10 days, there was a time when I did it daily, but we cut down about a year ago after I OD'ed.

    For now I'd be happy to just get rid of the booze. The alcohol is an addiction, the drugs are just a crutch, and one I can easily throw away when I'm happier; I know that for a fact, cos when we first moved in to Stoke-On-Trent we couldn't get any drugs for about 3 mouths, and it was completely fine. I don't know how to get off the booze, when I try I get shaky and feel "stimmed up" constantly (Like I've had too many cups of coffee) if I go any longer, then the thoughts start raceing I get paniced and a little manic, then I lose control of myself, If I stay awake I'll cut, or worse. If I take sleeping pills and sleep, then I have dreams, and I hate them. They used to give my diazapam in hospital and that helped... but I don't wanna ask my GP for a script, I worry that I'd end up abusing it.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't live this way. I hate it and I hate myself. I don't wanna kill myself, but I can't stop thinking about it. It would be so easy, and so much better. I wish I'd suceed before I'd met her... cos If I do it now I'd be kiling her too, and I can't do that again, not to someone else, it's just not fair. I wish I was just normal, happy, and that Susan was happy, and that Michelle was still alive. but it's not like that and it never will be. instead it's all just shit. so so shit.
     
  4. prophetbirds

    prophetbirds Well-Known Member

    Hey, I'm so sorry that things are so hard for you right now, but I know you are strong enough to do this.
    If you're having problems with your gender confusion or you just need a supportive community, we have a transgendered community thread running: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=101725 and I'm sure people there will be willing to offer advice.
    The best of luck.
     
  5. ~Jaded~

    ~Jaded~ Active Member

    Thank you, I did not know that there was a transgendered community thread running. I will definitely be posting there, and hopefully get some answers to the questions that are racing around inside my head. Thanks : )
     
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