To be honest I'm trying to write why my life has put me in the position that I am in now and I find myself writing a novel. I can't focus it all on now, I feel like I must reinforce it with the past. Its been so dark, and even though I've filled the first post with so much - I keep deleting it. This is hard. I don't like complaining about anything, its not me! I like to encourage people, especially after what I've been through. To cover the grounds of my life I can base it on a few points. -my youth I was alone (a homebody kid) I never got out and did much -i snapped on my mom and they began to approach me differently than an undeserving child -i grew outside of home and began to open up to people showing them my true self and trusting more and more people, they loved me -i dated girls, made best friends, became active, enjoyed high school untill.... I made a mistake that made me loose 2 best friends that entrusted me deepy and like-wise. I became alone and found myself around associates who lied to me, didn't care for me. And in finally drowning myself in the isolation I felt it hit me one day coming home from school that I need to take responsibility for my actions. I cut off all these false associates, ditched an abusive girlfriend, and furthered the isolation. I tried to find new friends and people but they only led me back to where I had left (small town life for ya'). So I became even more alone, and a workaholic. I worked all the time to escape my mind, to find something to do. But it changed very quickly, again. My best friend died. Not the one I betrayed, or even the others I had just mentioned. This guy was my #1 companion in life, my true best friend. Put it this way: in middle school he used to bully me, in high school we were inseperable. We were the Duo, yup you know what I'm talking about too! In my escape I cut off everything, I lost trust in everybody, I couldn't do it anymore. And although he did nothing to me, and didn't further rumors, he was lost in my runaway. And then he died, I still feel as though I've never recovered from this. And after drinking some beer I feel myself sinking into this chair even more typing it. I visit his grave everytime I go by it no matter what. I pray that he can think better of me than what I had done, and not judge me in my mind. I feel as though people we knew, has the ability to know you beyond what they did. I cry sometimes, not as much. But still it haunts me alot. I wish I hadn't let such bad people cut me off from him, but its my fault. Because of my bad choices I had lost him to begin with. After he died, and people were "happy" to see me at his funeral. They told me he always asked: "what happened to "dawn of mia", is he any better" He saw how much I had changed from the happy fun loving guy I was. When I looked at his body in the casket after hearing that it was beyond me. Everybody knew we were (used to be) the Duo and looked at me as I sat there. I brust into tears. So now I can't be around people anymore, I feel as I can't trust them. My loss is beyond me, I don't want to spend time with them. Co-workers all the time want me to go hang out, but I won't. I tell them no, and make up excuses. I stay at home, alone. I moved away long ago, and I don't do anything but do the routine what it takes to survive (food, etc.) I've isolated myself, and can't break the routine. I can't put myself out there anymore. It hurts when I think of all the people I've lost physically, mentally, and spiritually. I write this not in a strive for advice but it is welcome, and I don't know if I'm lying to myself when I say I'm ok. I don't know if I'm lying when I say I'm positive - I could be lying when I smile through my routine. I don't know anything - its since been about 2 years since my best friends death. And 3 years since my bad decision. I'm still moving downward, but standing and dreaming - thinking, working, determined. Its weird. I'm not up/or down I neither loss/gain. I'm just... here.