Not sure if its Depression - But..(long read)

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Dawn Of Mia, Apr 28, 2007.

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  1. Dawn Of Mia

    Dawn Of Mia Member

    To be honest I'm trying to write why my life has put me in the position that I am in now and I find myself writing a novel. I can't focus it all on now, I feel like I must reinforce it with the past. Its been so dark, and even though I've filled the first post with so much - I keep deleting it. This is hard.

    I don't like complaining about anything, its not me! I like to encourage people, especially after what I've been through.

    To cover the grounds of my life I can base it on a few points.

    -my youth I was alone (a homebody kid) I never got out and did much
    -i snapped on my mom and they began to approach me differently than an undeserving child
    -i grew outside of home and began to open up to people showing them my true self and trusting more and more people, they loved me
    -i dated girls, made best friends, became active, enjoyed high school untill....

    I made a mistake that made me loose 2 best friends that entrusted me deepy and like-wise. I became alone and found myself around associates who lied to me, didn't care for me. And in finally drowning myself in the isolation I felt it hit me one day coming home from school that I need to take responsibility for my actions.

    I cut off all these false associates, ditched an abusive girlfriend, and furthered the isolation. I tried to find new friends and people but they only led me back to where I had left (small town life for ya'). So I became even more alone, and a workaholic. I worked all the time to escape my mind, to find something to do. But it changed very quickly, again.

    My best friend died. Not the one I betrayed, or even the others I had just mentioned. This guy was my #1 companion in life, my true best friend. Put it this way: in middle school he used to bully me, in high school we were inseperable. We were the Duo, yup you know what I'm talking about too!

    In my escape I cut off everything, I lost trust in everybody, I couldn't do it anymore. And although he did nothing to me, and didn't further rumors, he was lost in my runaway. And then he died, I still feel as though I've never recovered from this. And after drinking some beer I feel myself sinking into this chair even more typing it.

    I visit his grave everytime I go by it no matter what. I pray that he can think better of me than what I had done, and not judge me in my mind. I feel as though people we knew, has the ability to know you beyond what they did.

    I cry sometimes, not as much. But still it haunts me alot. I wish I hadn't let such bad people cut me off from him, but its my fault. Because of my bad choices I had lost him to begin with. After he died, and people were "happy" to see me at his funeral. They told me he always asked:

    "what happened to "dawn of mia", is he any better"

    He saw how much I had changed from the happy fun loving guy I was. When I looked at his body in the casket after hearing that it was beyond me. Everybody knew we were (used to be) the Duo and looked at me as I sat there. I brust into tears.

    So now I can't be around people anymore, I feel as I can't trust them. My loss is beyond me, I don't want to spend time with them. Co-workers all the time want me to go hang out, but I won't. I tell them no, and make up excuses. I stay at home, alone. I moved away long ago, and I don't do anything but do the routine what it takes to survive (food, etc.)

    I've isolated myself, and can't break the routine. I can't put myself out there anymore. It hurts when I think of all the people I've lost physically, mentally, and spiritually.

    I write this not in a strive for advice but it is welcome, and I don't know if I'm lying to myself when I say I'm ok. I don't know if I'm lying when I say I'm positive - I could be lying when I smile through my routine.

    I don't know anything - its since been about 2 years since my best friends death. And 3 years since my bad decision. I'm still moving downward, but standing and dreaming - thinking, working, determined. Its weird. I'm not up/or down I neither loss/gain. I'm just...

  2. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. To begin with, I'd suggest summoning the willpower and accept a few invitations to socialize. It's not likely going to be a cure, but at the very least it should help alleviate some of this loneliness.
  3. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

    i think true friends are very rare people if any at all. someone once told me that i'd be lucky to find one good friend in a lifetime.
  4. Dawn Of Mia

    Dawn Of Mia Member

    I just can't surround myself with anybody it seems, for example I did actually go hang out with another 'associates' group of friends. And I was a nervous wreck, I just kept thinking about how they are all the same.

    I have tried! And I've tried so hard, I try to be patient, to put myself out there, and it seems that I just can't bring myself to be at a level where I'm comfortable.

    I don't know what to do, I know I'm not damned to this. I know that! I'm too outgoing, too energetic to be in such a state, but when i'm approached I almost instantly recoil.

    I'm curious, in YOUR lifetime have you ever felt this isolation! At anytime, I want to think to myself this is normal. That everybody goes through this "escape" from what their life is. :mellow:
  5. Dawn Of Mia

    Dawn Of Mia Member

    I'm still in this state, and it affects me at work even more when people try to pry into when I do most of the time when I'm not at work.

    The book I'm reading brought up loneliness, as either a way to escape, or being pushed away.

    I don't know, this isn't easy. I really wish some more people would reply. I hate it when people as me why I'm not out and about doing things. It's so hard, maybe I have a bigger problem on my hands?
  6. Sil

    Sil Well-Known Member

    Well, I also feel sometimes to be always out of place, even with my friends. I don't go out very much, and never with new people, because I just don't get along. I don't know if your situation is normal, but it may be temporary... Try to go out with your co-workers, you will regret that when they won't ask you anymore. It may be difficult the first time, but if you like them, why don't you try? How can you say that you can't trust people? Give them a chance.
  7. Dawn Of Mia

    Dawn Of Mia Member

    I did try, he introduced me to all his friends, and it was just the weirdest feeling ever. I used to be so easy to get along with, open minded to everybody but I've lost that edge. Sometimes I'm on the up, but then it seems I'm overwhelming! Which is actually how I used to be. Infact I'm alot of ups and downs, and now its just a more constant down.

    My life is crazy, I'm young. But I do live on my own, infact I've accomplished alot straight out of high school.

    It just seems like I'm running 100 miles a minute in the race but blinking at the scene around me is an eternity of wondering.

    Maybe I'm full of regret? Denial?
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