Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but it was my first instinct

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AsphyxiateOnWords, Sep 1, 2015.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Mainly because of how hopeless and helpless I feel. Like seriously, I can't fucking stand this right now. It hurts really fucking bad. And I don't know where else to turn with these feelings because let's face it, can't do it at home. Everybody either doesn't give a fuck or makes it worse, or both.

    I don't get how he can act like such an asshole and think it's okay. And I don't get why I just take it and do nothing, pretty much encouraging it to happen again and again and again. I hate myself for that, I really do. Like, honestly, I feel like loser because I let it happen just because I'm afraid.

    This morning, he thought I stole fucking Suboxone from him because "A 4mg piece somehow became a 2". And I better not dare say that it was most likely him who either dropped it or didn't see it correctly because he's always right and would never make such a mistake. He's fucking god and does no wrong. So only other logical explanation in his dumbass mind is that I took it. Motherfucker I don't give a flying fuck about a piece of Sub. Not to mention I still had a piece of my own left over last night, so there's no reason whatsoever to take yours. And he fucking accused me of doing it no matter how much I kept saying I didn't do it. I'm fucking beyond words. And the main reason he thinks so is because I've lost a few pieces by accidentally dropping them when I take a piece out sometimes...which he also hardly believes happened even though it's true and I've proven it several times when I ended up finding a couple pieces randomly weeks later. But he still has it in his head that I keep lying and taking more than I say I took. I don't give a fuck about Suboxone dude, seriously. Unless it's a bad of dope you leave laying around while you go to bed, you got nothing to worry about. I'm not taking extra Sub. I'm not lying to you. I get that it looks weird but for fucking once consider that YOU may have made a mistake instead of me. you're not fucking god. You're not perfect. You could have dropped that fucking piece or not remember taking one yourself. But regardless of what happened, it WASNT FUCKING ME.

    So yeah like I said, I keep feeling fucking helpless because in his eyes I'm always to blame and I did nothing wrong and don't know what to do because my emotions are so fucking intense right now I just want to do something stupid and really give him something not to trust me for.
  2. rainbow55

    rainbow55 Member

    I hear you.... I know I can't do shit to help but just wanted to acknowledge your very valid feelings of anger and frustration.
  3. Avispa

    Avispa New Member

    Hello, forgive me if not this one perfect the writing, it is a translation, I am Spanish. Is well-read your writing and has had desire of saying to you that not confien in you it is a shit, which they doubt, that do not believe you. The unpower and not to be able to make anything, only feel reproaches, for god... Since I understand you and mas with us the drug addicts, nobody believes us, we us have looked for it, it costs. But when we tell the truth to fuck, prostitute goes shit woman, I hope that it is solved and feel better, regards and a kiss!
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Hey Misery - I am sorry that you feel so hopeless and angry. You don't deserve to feel so bad. I know I am not telling you anything you don't already know, but addicts are irrational about drugs. I know that doesn't excuse refusing to believe you when you are telling the truth and I know it doesn't make a difference to how bad it feels.

    You shouldn't hate yourself for staying and putting up with it - but I really wish you would choose the 'better' that you deserve, and the 'better' that you can have if you choose it.
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Sucks to be in that spot. Wondering how long this suboxone program will be for both of you?
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