Not sure if this makes any sense.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by jordan., Apr 25, 2011.

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  1. jordan.

    jordan. Member

    Everybody, my therapist, my parents, everybody, has told me that I've been through a lot. I really don't like to hear that, for some reason, even though I know I have.

    My best friend killed himself a year ago, I had a certain encounter with a past love that got him in trouble with the police and messed me up emotionally, my father was abusive. I guess I'm confused. I don't know where to turn.

    Tuesday, right before work (I'm sixteen, so I work at Dairy Queen. Lovely first job.), xxx what it's worth.) During work, I had no short-term memory, I kept having blackouts whenever I moved too fast, I hallucinated a lot, until I got home when I passed out.

    Five minutes after taking those pills, it dawned on me that I was probably going to die. I'm a small girl, and that many xxx should have done the trick.

    The thing is, when I completely accepted what was going to happen, I had no regrets. I knew what I would be leaving behind, and it didn't matter any more. I stopped being able to smile, even when customers would tell dumb little jokes to brighten my evening. I couldn't cry, I wasn't sad. I was... content. For the first time in a long time.

    That realization, that acceptance... It really hit me hard. Like, for that instant, nothing mattered. I didn't matter, my family, friends, work, nothing mattered. It was almost unreal.

    I don't know what I'm really trying to say, exactly. I guess I just have to get some of this out, since therapy obviously isn't doing anything.

    My parents took my phone away, so that the only contact I have is with them. If I suddenly need to talk to someone in the middle of the night, I can't, unless I want to talk to my parents, which I don't.

    "You should love your parents, they're there for you no matter what." I don't care. Why should they be? I know plenty of adults that don't want anything to do with me, and I'm sure my parents are still here out of pure obligation. Family means nothing to me.

    Do you know what the first thing my mom said to me was when I got home on Tuesday, out of my mind? "You're being selfish, wanting to kill yourself."

    I disagree. Sure, everything stopped existing for a while there, but it wasn't really about me.

    If you quit a board game right in the middle, you don't get bitched at for being selfish. Even though life is supposedly more serious than a board game, my own mom, who's supposed to love me unconditionally, was angry with me for having these feelings, and for acting on them.

    Well, thank you for reading. I hope somebody can relate, or something.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 25, 2011
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry that your mother said those things.

    I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say that I think anger is a fairly common response though. And so are accusations of selfishness.

    I suspect that when people who love someone who is suicidal react with those statements, it's because they are scared and shocked by the suicidal person's feelings and/or actions. It's just weird (and sad) that they can't see how those particular words can hurt the suicidal person even more.
     
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