Not sure im worth saving.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Discoveryman, May 16, 2016.

  1. Discoveryman

    Discoveryman Member

    i really dont know how to get into what im feeling except to explain my current and past thoughts.
    ive had a severe learning disability and it spans odd into a depression....anxiety and overwhelming sense of no self worth......
    my parents put me on disability when i was young because of the effects of the disorder so half my life i believed i was broken......"why help me"
    i have passed through life in the belief that id move as far as i could and " big deal...ill die eventually...and if i get to a point i cant continue death is always an option"....or at least thats how i feel...
    lately the stresses of life and my anxiety have trippled ten fold from one problem or another....and i catch myself thinking "well,....its come to that time"
    the pressures are too much....i cant cope with the overwhelming failure i have become and the only saving grace is my wife...and my kills me how badly im failing them.....
    i can find a thousand reasons to pass on....but not many to stay around and i find myself arguing this in my head every time it gets quiet.
    the makes me feel like my chest is going to explode...or i will scream and beg for mercy.....if someone were to try to kill me id probably smile and take it with open arms thankfull for the relief.......but i also find myself planning my own death also......sometimes imagining the different scenarios of death to help me go to sleep at night.
    am i worth saving? be honest...i dont think so...but everyones worried...people see things wrong...and i know from society standards that i obviously need to talk to someone.....i need to tell someone...i cant tell my wife....i cant handle the pain of knowing she would think im disgusting or she would blame herself......none of this is her fault...i couldnt imagine a better wife than i have now...shes perfect..
    I just wish i were for her....she deserves much more than me.
    It would be better for me to go.......suddenly so she can more easily go on ......I just hope she takes good care of my dog also...he deserves a great life.....with her.....they are both much more than i could ever hope to become.

    God i dont know why im putting this all out i asking for help or saying goodbye?....i honestly dont know.
  2. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Hang in there Discoveryman. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I am taking Prozac to try and help it. It has only been 4 weeks since starting yet hopefully it will kick in. Have you considered talking to a doctor or counselor.
    I am glad you have someone in your life to help you. My wife either does not understand or care about my situation which is difficult yet I cope. I also have a dog, she is very helpful in easing the stress.
    I have suffered with this condition for 30+ years and believe me there are good days. I have been at the point several times of the end several times yet have always moved from it you can too.
  3. Discoveryman

    Discoveryman Member

    Do meds really help?......
    I worry about talking to docs ....i feel like i humiliate myself.....and i have a hard time explaining it....i think this post was the first time i ever even slightly explained it.
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support


    Do not feel ashamed. Doctors are professionals, they have heard it before. Your doctor should not judge you. He/she will want to help you.

    Maybe write it all down so you do not forget anything.
  5. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Medication can help, it does take time for a therapeutic dose. As far as talking to the doctor just tell him/her how you are feeling. I know it is tough to do as I have had to do it many times before. It does not make you any less a person by asking for help.
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    You do deserve to live, of course you do. And you deserve to live a better life than this; these are things you can achieve with some work in therapy and yes, medication. Medication does help, sometimes it might take time to find the right dose and kind, and for it to take effect.

    Please do see your doctor about these things. Your son and your wife also deserves to have you in their life.

    It can get better, and I can't stress this enough, of course, of course you do deserve that!
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, well done for making this post, that takes courage to make the first step. Seeing a doctor about your depression is not humiliating, you deserve to be happy and be free and medication is a tool that might help you get there. Please seek professional help, you deserve it. I wish you the best of luck in your journey to recovery and keep in mind we are here in the meantime and yes medications help millions of people with depression, please seek help!
  8. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Discoveryman.'re worth saving, I'm sure your wife and loyal dog would agree you're worth saving. I know it took a lot of courage to open up and share this to strangers. It's a great start to healing and you can heal my brother. There's no shame in seeing a therapist and getting meds to help you through this. You have too much to leave, you're wife sounds like a good woman that will stand by you, give her the chance to help you, you may be surprised. Your dog, my dogs been my life saver, I couldn't leave her alone. I'm glad you came to the forum and we welcome you, we'll support you as best we can and you will get through this dark time, allow others to help you. People want to assist.
    Take care
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Yes, you're absolutely worth saving!! *hug*
    Writing what you did and putting it out there was a huge step. I'm glad you reached out to us.
    I hope you consider talking to your wife, telling her how you feel. It sounds like you both love each other, and she deserves the chance to be there for you, to support you. And you deserve that help and support.
    MisterBGone likes this.
  10. Discoveryman

    Discoveryman Member

    Ive been reading all the kind things and advice you all have given me....
    the night i made that post scares me.....its one of my worst nights....and the things in my head and the places it took my mind scare me to death...kept me up all night untill my body just collapsed in the morning.

    i have a hard time with many things run through my head....but writing the post made me realize talking does help......its the first time ive tried.
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    That's a step in the right direction. I'm so sorry that night was awful, but you made it through and are still here. That's an accomplishment. Talking isn't always easy, but it really can help to know someone cares, is there and listening.
  12. Discoveryman

    Discoveryman Member

    i took your advice.
    I went to my doctor today and started the conversation about my depression ......he set it up for my wife and i to come in and really discuss how ive been feeling......
    come to find out my doctor has a unique perspective to depression because he himself takes antidepressants for his own personal depression....
    scares the heck out of me to really open up and try to talk to him about this...especially since im in a small town.
    next week is going to be rough as ive never really explained alot of this to my wife.....
    I hope she will understand.
  13. Discoveryman

    Discoveryman Member

    i went to my first session with a theripist..
    i dont know....i hope the second goes better as the first one she just seemed to want to ask questions that didnt pertain to my depression.....maby i misunderstood...but i felt very odd about it.
    why ask me about where my kids work?....and how much they make...that was one of the does that pertain to me...i donno...maby i misunderstood.
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I am sorry for what happened. I have no clue as to why you were asked those questions, that was kind of strange I think. How do you plan to get through this? You must create a safety plan, I know you saw the doctor already but did they prescribe you anything? You will get through this if we have anything to do with it :) You deserve better. maybe next time ask them why those questions were asked? when do you next see them?
    Discoveryman likes this.
  15. silis

    silis Active Member

    dont think anyone would even want to save me. i have nothing to offer anyone. and it seems everytime i show some emotion, people tell me to get over myself. i open up, just to get hurt. life just doesnt seem worth it. wish someone could be understanding wiht me and actually care about me. but thatll never happen. im not worth anything.
  16. Discoveryman

    Discoveryman Member

    I tried Theripy came own to the theripist wanting to talk about "anxiety" and that the depression supposedly wasnt real.......
    she made me feel like i was just imagining how i felt due to some other stuff...she wanted me on anxiety meds but really wouldnt even get into my depression......
    i most times would end up coming out worse than when i went in.....i dont know what to do....non of this seems to be helping .
    Petal thank you for your kind sorry i havent replied untill now...i went to a very dark place for a bit and it sucked all the life out of me.....
    im not sure where to go from here.