Not sure really where I should post this... so I'm landing it here, just in case. I rarely open threads at all, only real ones I've opened here I think are my poetry ones and thats just cuz ppl requested me to do so. This I'm opening for selfish reasons, and its not like me to be selfish so its very hard for me to do. I'm opening this thread mainly because I'm at a point that I don't even know how to reach out anymore. I log onto chat here all the time, normally when I'm low... I speak out. Right now, I'm so low that I'm crying invisible tears and screaming out inside my mind but too scared to open my mouth or reach out in chat because deep down I know I'm not worth saving, I'm not worth anything. To those of you who I have tried to help, I hope that at least some of what I said was beneficial... I dont know if it is anymore because when I'm in this spot in my mind I'm at now.... when I look around, all I see is emptiness, and pain. All I know is coldness and darkness. When I try to listen, I remember the words I spoke to some of you and even though at the time they were spoken from my heart and I meant every bit of them, when I try to apply them to my own situation, its lost on me... its like a bandaid trying to cover a gaping hole. I hope I have never hurt anyone in the process of trying to help them, though I know thats probably foolish of me to think too, that I'd never hurt anyone while trying to help.... but I cant help but to hope, because the last thing I'd ever want is for you to hurt. For those of you that think I'm the worst thing to land on this site, maybe even this planet.... maybe you're right, I dont know anymore. I dont seem to have any purpose, or function. I seem to be a waste. I think that perhaps you are right, everyone would be better without me here. True, maybe some will hurt for a time, but they'd learn to move on... and in the end, they'll be better for having done so. For those of you that have decided to call me friend or otherwise care about me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't be all I should have been, all I probably could have been. I'm sorry that I'm not the person you thought I was. I never tried to put on a mask to hide anythign from anyone, but in the end, I feel I have. Nobody seems to understand the pain I go through or why. Maybe everyone is right in thinking that its just stuff I need to get over, stuff I make out to be bigger than it really in fact is.. maybe in fact its true, I'm just crazy. Hell, I have the paperwork to back that up. The problem with that thought is that, I was always told there is a way to make things better once you accept that there is something wrong. I've tried to correct this for 27 yrs. I have failed. I dont know what I'm going to do or what I should do or even what I could do anymore. I'm falling apart but really, for the most part of me, I don't even care that I am. Like I said at the start... I know that I'm not worth saving, that I'm not worth anything. I am going to shut up now cuz this is just going to start circling around.... sorry for taking up your time.