Not sure of anythign anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by demuredawn, Dec 2, 2013.

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  1. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Not sure really where I should post this... so I'm landing it here, just in case. I rarely open threads at all, only real ones I've opened here I think are my poetry ones and thats just cuz ppl requested me to do so. This I'm opening for selfish reasons, and its not like me to be selfish so its very hard for me to do. I'm opening this thread mainly because I'm at a point that I don't even know how to reach out anymore. I log onto chat here all the time, normally when I'm low... I speak out. Right now, I'm so low that I'm crying invisible tears and screaming out inside my mind but too scared to open my mouth or reach out in chat because deep down I know I'm not worth saving, I'm not worth anything. To those of you who I have tried to help, I hope that at least some of what I said was beneficial... I dont know if it is anymore because when I'm in this spot in my mind I'm at now.... when I look around, all I see is emptiness, and pain. All I know is coldness and darkness. When I try to listen, I remember the words I spoke to some of you and even though at the time they were spoken from my heart and I meant every bit of them, when I try to apply them to my own situation, its lost on me... its like a bandaid trying to cover a gaping hole. I hope I have never hurt anyone in the process of trying to help them, though I know thats probably foolish of me to think too, that I'd never hurt anyone while trying to help.... but I cant help but to hope, because the last thing I'd ever want is for you to hurt. For those of you that think I'm the worst thing to land on this site, maybe even this planet.... maybe you're right, I dont know anymore. I dont seem to have any purpose, or function. I seem to be a waste. I think that perhaps you are right, everyone would be better without me here. True, maybe some will hurt for a time, but they'd learn to move on... and in the end, they'll be better for having done so. For those of you that have decided to call me friend or otherwise care about me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't be all I should have been, all I probably could have been. I'm sorry that I'm not the person you thought I was. I never tried to put on a mask to hide anythign from anyone, but in the end, I feel I have. Nobody seems to understand the pain I go through or why. Maybe everyone is right in thinking that its just stuff I need to get over, stuff I make out to be bigger than it really in fact is.. maybe in fact its true, I'm just crazy. Hell, I have the paperwork to back that up. The problem with that thought is that, I was always told there is a way to make things better once you accept that there is something wrong. I've tried to correct this for 27 yrs. I have failed. I dont know what I'm going to do or what I should do or even what I could do anymore. I'm falling apart but really, for the most part of me, I don't even care that I am. Like I said at the start... I know that I'm not worth saving, that I'm not worth anything. I am going to shut up now cuz this is just going to start circling around.... sorry for taking up your time.
     
  2. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    Same here darling. You are not alone.
     
  3. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    Ever killed anyone? Take liberties with a child that shouldn't be taken? No? Then you're worth saving.

    I know what it feels like to feel worthless. Like a blight on everyone around you, taking up space that someone else could fill better. Deadweight, am I right? But why not you? Why are you less valuable than anyone else? Surely, you cannot be such a bad person that you deserve life less than Joe Somebody.

    And I never really put much stock in whole thing that you'll get better if you accept something is wrong. Well, it's true, but many people seem to think it just stops there, but really your battle begins when you accept something is wrong. Then the real test starts. I was abused as a child, and that trauma never goes away. It's there, a layer of darkness under whatever bit of light I try to bring into my life. But you just have to shake it off and focus on the light, and that's the real test. And there are setbacks. Ho boy! Are there ever setbacks.

    But the bottom line is that some things cannot be fixed, they can only be accepted, but peace doesn't come with acceptance. It comes in spite of it
     
  4. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    NotThisLife,

    No, never killed anyone ... well, unless you count my irrational thoughts in which I blame myself for my mom dieing of a heart attack, stroke, and a blood clot pass in the wrong spot at the wrong time when I was 12.

    No, never taken liberties with a child that should not be taken although it is rumored by my ex girlfriend that I did that and also that I raped her, again, never happened... though it did make me try to suicide.

    Do I feel like deadweight? Yes and no. For me, its more I feel like I have no way of helping others or myself therefore I am useless, thus there is no purpose for me as I do not work but am on disability.

    Now, I never said that just because I accept that there is something wrong with me, that I do not try to fix it. I have been battling with depression 27 yrs and diagnosed with borderline personality for 12 yrs. I have also (supposedly) overcome PTSD and general anxiety.

    I fought it alone and begged and pleaded with everyone I came across to listen to me and show me how/where to get help ... from the ages of 12 to 27. Everybody laughed at me, or scoffed, or told me that things weren't as bad as I was making them out to be, or that I was completely making things up, or that I just wanted attention. Then I finally got into counseling... and even they tell me just to get over my past, its not as bad as other people, that I'm the cause of the abuse I suffer because my actions in fact cause the outcome. I have quit going to counseling or taking medication for over a year now because my husband will not allow me to saying that it does no good anyway.

    What things have helped get me to this state?

    Brief summary -- ask qusetions if you want details, otherwise not going to detail as I have written it up before and it takes 8pgs to write up.
    mom died when i was 12 and all friends abandoned me
    dad closed off his heart and decided to run me and my sister like his military squadron
    dad remarried when i was 14 -- i gained 2 abusive step sisters and an equally abusive step mom
    dad became physically and emotionally and verbally abusive to me, neglected me all other times
    3 rapes from people I knew
    1 attempted molestation from my violin teacher resulting in my quitting lessons resulting in dad labeling me a quitter that will never amount to anything
    1 severe sexual harassment at work in which i was locked in a deep freeze unless I'd agree to kiss/fondle the dishwasher when I told the boss it got worse, resulting in me quitting work, again resulting in dad calling me a quitter that will never amoutn to anything.
    being forced to give my only child up for adoption
    being held at gunpoint during an armed robbery and forced to work out the rest of the day like nothing had happened
    being in several controlling relationships
    being in a couple physically abusive relationships
    still in an abusive marriage that would be very hard to get out of for several reasons
    being accused by my ex gf of raping her and sexually molesting her 4 yr old daughter
    having it drilled into my head over the years and even now that these things are true of me:
    - i'm a quitter
    - i'm no good
    - i'll never amount to anything
    - i'm a bitch
    - i dont know how to treat people therefore should not even be around people
    - i'm a failure
    - i'm selfish
    - i'm greedy
    - i'm fat and ugly (true there tho, i must agree)

    Now, since I have been on disability the last 7 yrs, I have made it my "job" to help others that are in situations that are similar to those I either am experiencing or have experienced. I am of the thought that is my purpose in fact... to be a stepping stone, for others to use. They come into my life because they have an issue (I can relate to in some way) that has them stuck, once they are able to get past that, they move on. I stay back, sometimes given another new problem to deal with so I can relate to the next person that comes into my path. In this way, I'm able to experience some happiness while they are in the pit with me, maybe even some love... but never true love or true happiness because it is temporary. When they graduate on from the pit, I am happy that I was able to help them, and if I loved them, that love never goes away even if it may not be returned. So, in some ways... I understand true happiness and true love, but its not the kind that is "complete". I will never know that. It's not meant for me to know, because I am only a stepping stone. Lately, I've even lost the ability to function effectively as a stepping stone. Thus, there is no purpose for me anymore... that's what makes Joe Somebody better than me, he has a purpose... I don't.

    I hope that answers your questions and fills in any gaps.
     
  5. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    I am a bitch too.
     
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Messenger -- ty for understanding, hope you are ok and i sincerely doubt you are a bitch, being that you took the time to respond to me
     
  7. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    Purpose....isn't what makes a person worth anything. It's who you are that does, and you have over come a lot. That means you are strong and worthwhile, even though you may not feel that way :)

    I was raped as a child, the dude who did it is in prison for 25 years. To this day, even with his conviction, many family members don't believe it. They just don't believe a boy can be raped, even though I had to go to the hospital and the doctors told them that is what happened. I guess....willful ignorance is powerful among my relatives. Doesn't go away either. Certain sounds and smells take me back to it, and I just kind of shut down for a while. Totally screwed up sex for me. I will never have an intimate relationship with someone, that is just simply something that is denied to me.

    Despicable rumors....can hurt. Especially when they are smeared all over a courtroom and you're convicted of a crime you didn't do. Court was already a traumatic place for me, seeing as I recounted my abuse in front of a judge when I was 7 years old. Next time I entered a courtroom, I had lies about me thrown out all over the place. That I was dangerous, that I had inappropriate relations with a dog....horrible, horrible things said that day that didn't even pertain to the case. What's worse, not only am I now a felon through no fault of my own, but some of those rumors follow me today.

    Oh, I treated people so horribly over the years. Taking my anger and sorrow out on them. I quit things, and as a felon I certainly will never reach the heights I wanted to long ago.

    You've been through more than me, which is saying a hell of a lot, but you're still here and I hope you can come to some sort of peace as I have. The darkness never goes away. Ever. It takes strong, willful effort to keep it at bay and there are days where I barely succeed. And it's ok to be selfish and greedy, after all you've been through you deserve to be happy.
     
  8. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    NotThisLife,

    Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry you can relate to any of the things I've been through. Nobody should know the pain of any of them, although there are many out there that are able to relate to at least some of them. With me, even when I reported one of my rapes to the cops, I was told because it was by an ex that I'd had my child by (but we were broken up by this time) that it in fact was not rape, but rather a lover's spat and therefore they would not even write up a report on it. I realize I have been through many things and that because of that people assume I am a strong person. I am not. I have always been extremely sensitive and that never went away... I just know how to bury things now. I too struggle daily just to get through one day at a time, but there are days .... I wonder why I even struggle, today is one of them. Winter and May/June are my hardest times of year... so I'll probably make it through this, I don't know. I have had 7 attempts in the past, so its possible I will be too weak again sometime or go back to my old ways of self harming. I don't know, thats the whole thing... I dont know what I'm going to do or what will happen from here... I'm out of ideas and drained of energy. Thank you for your kindness.
     
  9. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Demuredawn, even though you're struggling now doesn't mean you have lost your purpose to helping others. Sometimes you still have to take care of #1 so that you'll feel better and then you can continue on your mission that you seem to find your purpose in. We go through our ups and downs and it's in our struggles that we gain experience and learn from lessons so we can learn to overcome them and spread your victory to others who are in the similar boat. Thank you for sharing!
     
  10. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    No one should have to know the pain that we have been through, but they do. It is what it is, sadly. Not being believed.....makes it worse. My grandmother still mentions my abuser, who was a handyman and family friend, like nothing happened. My uncle, who is his friend, thinks I lied and holds against me that he's in prison. It's almost like they have chosen him over me. In some ways, that is equal to the abuse itself.

    And then, going to prison I was strip searched, which is basically being abused all over again. All the work I put in to come to grips with happened fell away in an instant and I was that terrified 7 year old again, in an environment where you don't want to be vulnerable. But I got through, somehow. Like you, I don't think it was any real credit to myself. I never saw it as me being strong, but rather that I'm just to weak and pathetic to take that final step.

    I dunno what changed, or how really. But I do know it happened gradually. One month I was ready to end my life, and I mean READY. Couple of months later I was vaguely wanting to die. Then I thought about dying but didn't want to do it.....now I'm just free of those thoughts. The bad feelings are still there, but they're buried. I too, am very good at burying things. I just don't allow them to rise to the surface. I can't allow myself to fall back to that dark place again. If I do, there may be no coming back.

    I try to set small goals for myself and keep something to look forward to. Even small things help. I follow a web comic that is cute and safe, there's no bad things in there it's just a totally feel good cute thing, and I look forward to it coming out every monday, wednesday and friday. I write, I don't allow myself to sleep unless I've written a minimum of 500 words. Just small things....they help keep the darkness at bay.

    And you're very welcome, you're a strong person to get this far, as am I. (I have to keep telling myself that, whether I believe it or not.)
     
  11. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    mpang,

    helping others in a weird way also helps me... idk, if that makes it a selfish thing or not.... i just know that it is. when i help others it makes me face the things i've been through... and each time i face them, i heal a lil more. also, soemtimes when i'm talking to someone trying to help them, i come up with ideas i never came up with for myself... so, i try to put it to use for me too. if i find myself giving advice i had at first rejected when it was given to me, i try to follow through on it... i don't like being a hypocrite, though sometimes i probably am because sometimes i fail at putting my own words into practice in my own life -- but i do always try. but just the act of trying to put those words to practice is soemtimes a big help, other times just facing the stuff i have been through again is a huge helping in making the healing process continue... so when i'm hurting, ironically for me, thats when i need to be able to help someone else the most.... i know it sounds twisted and illogical, but its the truth.
     
  12. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    NotThisLife

    I am glad you have been able to work through your depressoin and manage/stabilize/recover from it. I cannot do that, or don't appaer to be able to. I don't know if its because of my borderline personality which makes it harder for me to let go of things, or if its just that I went through so much in such a short time span (most things happened btwn ages of 12-19) or if its something more... but it just seems like i cannot get beyond it.

    These are things I have tried:

    aromatherapy
    poetry
    relaxation techniques - deep breathing, visualization, imagery
    drawing
    music
    journaling
    excercising
    walking
    counseling
    medication
    playing games

    i am open to suggestions, i'm just saying i have no ideas myself anymore ...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 2, 2013
  13. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Thank u for your encouragement. I'm. Sure u can help inspire others through your hope that things will get better.
     
  14. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    mpang

    thanks, though i feel i am really doing poor at it lately
     
  15. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    Helping others DOES help the one doing the helping....if that poorly worded sentence makes any sense. Who cares if it's partly selfish? There's nothing wrong with self interest, especially if you're doing good in the process. Look at the millionaires who donate to charity, they do it mostly for tax write offs but they're also doing good too so they can't be harshly judged at all.

    Personally I think you've just been overloaded. I know the feeling, there have been times where so much has come my way at once I'd have to pick and choose what to be upset over at any given time, because it just wasn't possible to be upset at all of it at one time. But....most of this seems to be in your past, although some of it is in the present (like having to give your child up for adoption, that's something very much here-and-now).

    The good thing (if it can be called that) is that you're dealing with the trauma of those things, not dealing with the actual things themselves (again, with the exception of present day stuff). For example I deal with the trauma of my abuse, but the abuse itself is long over. Right now, the only present day stuff I deal with is being a felon and not being able to find a job. All the rest can't hurt me unless I let it. Easier said than done, of course.

    So what I am getting at here is part of your recovery is that you're going to have to be a little selfish, you're going to have to put yourself first and make sure you don't allow people to put you in position where you may suffer more harm. That, going forward, is probably the most important thing, because I learned the hard way that future harm can undo all the work you put in to get through PAST harm. I have a big problem saying "no", but I'm learning. Do things for yourself that make you happy, if you can find any. Also....

    Don't get involved in an activity to distract yourself from your pain. Get involved in something for whatever that something is. For example, I don't play guitar to "heal", I play because I like to. All of this sounds very hard, I know, mainly because it is. And I wish I could tell you something magic that would help, but magic doesn't exist. Trust me, I searched for magic fixes for a long time. But I hope I can give you some food for thought, and maybe a tip or two to get you started in the right direction.

    Just remember: doing things for yourself is not a bad thing! :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 2, 2013
  16. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    NotThisLife

    Thank you, you have given me some food for thought. I think really the biggest thing that keeps me in an endless cycle right now is my marriage -- it can be abusive at times. He has never actually committed physical harm, but he will rush me with a weapon in hand and come literally within an inch of using it. He will put me down -- even going so far as to tell me once that he'd pay money to see me tortured and that if i tried to kill myself he'd just watch and not try to stop me. The problems with divorcing him or separating are multiple though.

    1. I have 3 dogs that he would kill, even if most likely accidentally, he'd still kill them; so I refuse to go anywhere without them.
    2. Neither of us could survive on our own financially.
    3. He has told me he'd live on the streets if i ever leave him and since he has diabetes that is likely a death sentence for him, something i cannot live with
    4. When he got on disability, the lawyer had him get an iq test and told him not to do his best... he took me with, and followed attorney advice and got a "moderate retardation" diagnosis from it; because of this, if I try to divorce him I have to first prove that he understood what he was agreeing to when he recited the vows to marry me (ie what they are, what they mean, and what they include as responsibilities), if I cannot prove this then they can/will prosecute me to the fullest extent of the law for marrying someone "with the mind of a child". --All that info was given me by a local attorney
    5. When I a live alone and am single, I am more suicidal than I even am currently... because I'm more able to convince myself that all those things that were said about me were/are in fact true and that I don't deserve to live and etc...

    So, while I know I'm not stuck in the way most people would view it (ie if i decided to say fk my pscyh/emotional probs and legal probs and financial probs, lets just do it anyway), to me... it keeps me where I am even if very sad.

    Yes, all this stuff is in my past.. but it doesn't make it easier for me for some reason. As far as selfishness.. the problem with that is I hold myself up to a very high standard .. one I know I can feasibly never fully achieve and yet I refuse to change it because it gives me something to strive for, part of it is no selfishness, no greed, and if i hurt, anger, upset, or sadden anyone in any way it crushes me.
     
  17. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    It must have taken alot from you huh...
     
  18. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    still does... are you ok, messenger?
     
  19. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    Still hating myself as usual. You seems to be going through alot more.. And I believe you are capable of going through it all =)
     
  20. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    well messenger, if you ever want to talk, you can inbox me or come to chat and private message me. i always say that no one person's emotional pain is any lesser or greater than another's.... if something hurts you emotionally, then it is significant. we all react to things differently so there is no true measuring stick on the pain each person goes though. so if you want to talk, i'm willing to listen and try to help where i can.
     
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