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Not sure what happens next

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sigur Rós, Apr 25, 2008.

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  1. Sigur Rós

    Sigur Rós Member

    Apologies in advance if this is incoherent, as I'm just typing as I think.

    The background is, I'd been with my fiancée for over six years when we split up a few months back. We'd stuck together through a lot; she had severe problems with jealously, not trusting people and generally feeling insecure about herself. Every day was a constant battle, I'd devote 100% of my energy and feelings to making sure she was happy and feeling good about herself. I lost nearly all of my friends, and shunned my family for a long time.

    Towards the end of last year, with us both working full time jobs (one day, one night, no less!) and living apart, we began to see very little of each other. In hindsight, I can see that she was doing well and couldn't help the situation, but I became in her (retrospective) words, possessive, wanting to be with her at every free moment. (Bare in mind, I'd been with her all the way through secondary school and college, a few days apart had always seemed like an eternity!) I began to sense that she was drifting apart from me, and tbh a part of me can't shake off that theory even now. (She would later say that the fact she was unhappy at this time, contributed to her deciding it was over).

    As I fell increasingly into the life of a recluse, depression took over, and at times I turned to drink to get through it. On two occasions, I became so drunk that I didn't have any idea what I was doing. It turned out I was abusive and threatening towards her. We brushed the first time off without a word being said, and I didn't touch drink for a long time. But gradually over time, the seriousness of what had happened faded away and I began to drink socially, which wasn't a problem. But then one night, taken over by depression and insecurities, I crossed the line... waking up the next day and knowing something was seriously wrong. Whilst I hadn't touched her, I had been threatening again and, in front of all of her friends, tried to kiss a randomer, before storming off.

    Skip forward a few months, and she couldn't forgive me for what I'd done.

    Every day is a constant whirlwind of emotions, I can't move on because I love her so much. We had been a loved-up couple throughout our relationship and I wasn't prepared for this, I had my future planned out in my head and it centred around her. We'd talked openly about children and marriage from an early age.

    I self-harmed for a while but soon realised that it didn't make the pain go away. I have two good friends who are trying to help me, but I have no desire or motivation to be helped. I have accepted for a long time that I might well kill myself, and for weeks now, the only thing holding me back is the thought of hurting the select few friends and family who stayed alongside me, when most left. But that isn't enough anymore. Besides, surely it is more selfish to expect a person to live in such intense pain, just so as to not upset others?

    Another key detail in my story is that my ex-partner suffered a miscarrage a while ago now. Neither of us had gotten over it, so at my suggestion, we met up today for the first time in weeks to leave some flowers at our local cemetry so we could try and move on, and have somewhere to come to think about our loss.

    For ages, I saw today as my reason to keep fighting. I owed it to my ex-partner and to my unborn child to say goodbye, at least. Well, the deed has been done and ever since I've returned I've been in a state of absolute devastation. The family which I hoped for above all else, has disappeared before my eyes. I cannot begin to imagine letting someone else in. Perhaps above all else, I can't forgive myself for throwng away what we had so easily.

    I cannot speak to people and can barely leave the house. From an early age I saw that relationship as my only chance of happiness. I'm perfectly calm as I type this, and yet I know that today or tomorrow could easily be the day I decide I can't take anymore.

    This isn't really a question-answer type thread but if you have any experience or thoughts to share with me, I'd be grateful :)
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sorry things have been so sad...I know what it is like to think I meet the person I would grow old with and to have that relationship dissolve...I was lost for awhile, dated to have company more than to find someone else, and drank and drugged to have a constant companion...it is not pretty, nor is it the way I wanted to live my life...it has taken a while, but I am beginning to stand up as 'me'...thought right after I never could, as I was a part of 'us' for so many years...hope you find 'you'...big hugs, J
  3. Sigur Rós

    Sigur Rós Member

    Firstly, thanks for the reply and the PMs I recieved in response to this thread. Having someone take an interest feels good :) I didn't want to create a new thread so I thought I'd just bump this one.

    A few months have passed since my last visit to the forum. I've been trying to get out of the house so I don't feel quite so trapped and alone. I mentioned that I had two good friends who were helping me, and I recently got back in touch with a former best friend who I hadn't seen in years. I was going out a couple of times a week at least and things were looking up, even if I was getting no closer to getting over the end of my relationship. I also initiated counselling via my GP, and tried to be proactive by making sure I was eating right and getting a little exercise (I was a skinny wretch at the best of times, but throwing up after every meal for the past few months had seen the weight drop off me).

    Then a holiday in the sun with one of the close mates (and others I know but wouldn't consider mates) had me excited for the first time this year. When we got back it all went wrong. He had been a tower of strength for me in online conversations but having seen in the flesh the quivering suicidal wreck that I have become, he and the others soon decided that I shouldn't go on the second holiday we had planned months back. They'd "be there" for me, but made it clear I wasn't welcome around them until I had "sorted myself out." What astounds me most of all is that my 'mate' once told me how he had lost all of his friends when he suffered from a long-term illness, he'd always preached about that showing you who your friends are, yet he shows no sympathy towards me whilst I'm dealing with this depression. The tone he used with me was to suggest that it was my fault I am feeling like this and that I'm doing nothing about it, when I honestly don't know what more I could've been doing. Noone has said two words to me this past week.

    So, the positives I looked to before mean nothing to me again. It feels like the only people I've considered friends have deserted me. I feel alone again and self-harmed for the first time in months today. It really feels like I've taken a huge backwards step.

    Once again, I don't really know the purpose of this post and if this is the appropriate forum for it to be posted. Feel free to move as you wish.
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. Although I do not know all the details but what I can say is that if she truly loved you then I think things would of worked out. Those two occasions that seemed to push her over her limits were because you were drunk but I guess we all have different limits.

    You can move on from this, off course it won't be easy or quick but the most important thing is that you want to move on and that you believe you can.
    Perhaps as more time passes by, you will be able to do this.
  5. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I Love Sigur Ros!
  6. Sigur Rós

    Sigur Rós Member

    Cheers for the posts. And yeah, Sigur Rós are amazing! Anyone feeling down should give them a listen, just beautiful.
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