Not sure what happens next...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Lemme, Mar 6, 2012.

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  1. Lemme

    Lemme New Member

    Just found this forum after the police just 51/50'd my wife for the first time. It could have been her 50th time though. 12 years of marriage and I have been through a lot with her. I don't know who I am in relationship to her anymore, except that I never want her to commit suicide. I've lived in a pattern with her, of caring for her in her depression and at times despising her depression. I feel like I deserve my own feelings like any other human being, but sometimes I feel selfish for thinking this way when I know she needs my unconditional love. It is hard to love unconditionally though, when the part of a person you are trying to help, is the same part of them that is pushing you away. I am really scared she will actually do it one day, and I don't know how I will take it if she does. We have a little girl that absolutely ADORES her mother. I could be a better husband, there have been a lot of ways we have hurt each other over the years emotionally. She was first hurt emotionally as a child by her parents, in terrible ways. I thought she would grow out of some of the early hurt as we got older.

    I am confused, because of my own desires for a semi-normal relationship with someone who isn't suicidal, and my desire to protect her life at times costing my own happiness.

    I have family members and friends who have committed suicide. I know the finality of death especially in such a tragic way as suicide, is almost time stopping. It can feel like you are stuck trying to stay in the moment that has just passed where the person was alive. I can't imagine the magnitude of this feeling, and all the more terrible feelings that would come with a spouse dying by suicide. I want her to live so very badly.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    Welcome Lemme - I am glad that you found us - I can't imagine how hard it is for you to deal with alone. Loving someone and being constantly afraid for them has to be exhausting and traumatic. Have you considered seeking professional help yourself? I understand that you feel you have to be there for her - be selfless with your own feelings and be strong for her - but your feelings are important to and it is only natural that you feel in some ways resentful, and in a lot of ways angry and frustrated. You have a right to feel this way. And of course it is natural that you would be scared.
    I do not know what happens next - in answer to the question in your thread. I will not pretend to have any answers for you aside from this: you continue to post here. There are many many people here who understand - who know what it is like to live with and love someone who is depressed and suicidal - who know for themselves how it feels to deal with it every day. There are also those who can perhaps offer insights that you might not have considered. Keep posting and keep talking to us. :hug:
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    HI Lemme.. a very warm welcome to you sir.. like freya said you have got to also take care of you during all that goes on.. hopefully this website will give a safe place to do some of that.. look around at all the forums.. maybe soem time in a chatroom, just to try it out.. you love your wife very much despite all the bad stuff and thoughts with that.. you have probably had thoughts to take your daughter and run away at top speed sometimes.. your love for your whole family has so far kept you there...

    you said severe depression and past abuse is causing your wife a lot of problems all the time.. maybe you can take a look at the abuse and depression forums on here and see what everyone else has said.. agree some with FReya about maybe getting yourself some professional psych help. having someone who is kind, smart and able to listen adn just be on your side can help very much..

    got any quesions about this webiste please let us know.. later, Jim
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