Just found this forum after the police just 51/50'd my wife for the first time. It could have been her 50th time though. 12 years of marriage and I have been through a lot with her. I don't know who I am in relationship to her anymore, except that I never want her to commit suicide. I've lived in a pattern with her, of caring for her in her depression and at times despising her depression. I feel like I deserve my own feelings like any other human being, but sometimes I feel selfish for thinking this way when I know she needs my unconditional love. It is hard to love unconditionally though, when the part of a person you are trying to help, is the same part of them that is pushing you away. I am really scared she will actually do it one day, and I don't know how I will take it if she does. We have a little girl that absolutely ADORES her mother. I could be a better husband, there have been a lot of ways we have hurt each other over the years emotionally. She was first hurt emotionally as a child by her parents, in terrible ways. I thought she would grow out of some of the early hurt as we got older. I am confused, because of my own desires for a semi-normal relationship with someone who isn't suicidal, and my desire to protect her life at times costing my own happiness. I have family members and friends who have committed suicide. I know the finality of death especially in such a tragic way as suicide, is almost time stopping. It can feel like you are stuck trying to stay in the moment that has just passed where the person was alive. I can't imagine the magnitude of this feeling, and all the more terrible feelings that would come with a spouse dying by suicide. I want her to live so very badly.