I don't know if this is the right place to post this but.. I just don't know what to do right now.. I've Been to SF off and on for a few years and have dealt with a lot of mental health problems and suicidal feelings and actions.. Been to tons of different therapy.. Worked hard to live again.. And now I feel that work is useless.. Because I now am fighting for my life again.. To put a basic summary of my history, I grew up in a family with 3 brothers.. I'm the eldest.. One of my brothers was born medically handicapped.. He died in 2005 a day away from 13.. Around age 14 or 15 I couldn't hide my depressed feelings I had hidden since age 6 and began to self harm.. That led to multiple suicide attempts and residential treatment.. and eventually my parents couldn't afford or feel able to help me.. So I was put me into state custody and foster care.. I'm now 19 and finally am living on my own.. And things seemed to be getting better.. But... Recently found out I have a condition called PCOS (Polly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome).. The doctor wants me to take hormones at least every 3 months to cause my female cycle and prevent problems in the future like Pancreatic Cancer.. But the problem with this is that one, the hormone causes me great pain.. As well as migraines (like the one I had today) and makes me become more depressed then usual.. Two, I'm Trans-gender and feel that the hormone is pressuring me to be female, when I feel I am a male inside.. What it comes down to is, do I take the female hormones and always be depressed, in pain, and feel worthless... And possibly end up killing myself over this..? Or, take male hormones and loose my only connection to people, my family.. And even possibly live on the streets as my parents are handling my disability money starting next month..? I really don't know what to do.. And I've been feeling hopelessly doomed since Thursday when I was diagnosed.. The other problem is.. I don't even know if I can even take male hormones yet.. I haven't seen a specialist for it and I'm pretty sure you have to have a diagnosis of Gender Identity Disphoria before you can even start them.. So now I'm back to square one.. Why should I continue..? :blub: I feel like no matter what decision I make I'm going to end up dead.. So whats the point..? Now its just a matter of my fears.. Sigh.. I don't really want to die.. But it feels like I'm going to die from any number of things PCOS will cause.. And really dunno what the point would be to live in pain the rest of my life.. I don't really know what I want from posting this.. maybe I just want to feel comfort of some sort.. I just don't want to live in pain any longer..