Not Sure What I can Do...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kiba, Nov 21, 2010.

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  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I don't know if this is the right place to post this but.. I just don't know what to do right now..

    I've Been to SF off and on for a few years and have dealt with a lot of mental health problems and suicidal feelings and actions..

    Been to tons of different therapy..

    Worked hard to live again..

    And now I feel that work is useless.. Because I now am fighting for my life again..

    To put a basic summary of my history, I grew up in a family with 3 brothers.. I'm the eldest.. One of my brothers was born medically handicapped.. He died in 2005 a day away from 13.. Around age 14 or 15 I couldn't hide my depressed feelings I had hidden since age 6 and began to self harm.. That led to multiple suicide attempts and residential treatment.. and eventually my parents couldn't afford or feel able to help me.. So I was put me into state custody and foster care..

    I'm now 19 and finally am living on my own.. And things seemed to be getting better..

    But... Recently found out I have a condition called PCOS (Polly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome).. The doctor wants me to take hormones at least every 3 months to cause my female cycle and prevent problems in the future like Pancreatic Cancer.. But the problem with this is that one, the hormone causes me great pain.. As well as migraines (like the one I had today) and makes me become more depressed then usual.. Two, I'm Trans-gender and feel that the hormone is pressuring me to be female, when I feel I am a male inside..

    What it comes down to is, do I take the female hormones and always be depressed, in pain, and feel worthless... And possibly end up killing myself over this..?

    Or, take male hormones and loose my only connection to people, my family.. And even possibly live on the streets as my parents are handling my disability money starting next month..?

    I really don't know what to do.. And I've been feeling hopelessly doomed since Thursday when I was diagnosed..

    The other problem is.. I don't even know if I can even take male hormones yet.. I haven't seen a specialist for it and I'm pretty sure you have to have a diagnosis of Gender Identity Disphoria before you can even start them..

    So now I'm back to square one.. Why should I continue..? :blub:

    I feel like no matter what decision I make I'm going to end up dead.. So whats the point..?

    Now its just a matter of my fears.. Sigh.. I don't really want to die.. But it feels like I'm going to die from any number of things PCOS will cause.. And really dunno what the point would be to live in pain the rest of my life..

    I don't really know what I want from posting this.. maybe I just want to feel comfort of some sort.. I just don't want to live in pain any longer..
  2. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I'm transgender too, and most of the time I wish I were dead from it. I'm going the other way - I can't stand being a man anymore. I know what it feels like to believe you're the wrong gender, though. *hugs*

    I wish I had some good advice for you. =(
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Thanks.. *hugs* I appreciate the fact that there are other people here who can relate.. I hope you still keep trying to live on.. I have fought the depression.. and it can be a lot better with time.. Ive just fallen into a trap with my body.. and seems helpless now.. But.. It can be worth fighting for.. Ive won it before.. but.. Idk if I can win it again.. not with the condition Im facing..
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry on top of everything else you have this awful medical sounds so we said when we were talking, I am sure you will find the right decision for are a survivor and have gotten through so much...keep posting and I am sure you will find others who can relate...PM me if I can help...big hugs, J
  5. sadiemae22

    sadiemae22 Member

    it is so straining to try to make a decision that you feel will alienate you from your family. the only thing i can think of at this stage is maybe starting the sessions with a psychologist and get it all off your chest to a person who won't take it badly. you could also find out what the whole process is. that way your still not getting into it with your family but it could help to feel that you are putting something productive into place. hopefully given some time your course of action will be clearer.
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    my best friend is transgendered. he says to tell you that life does get better. he is very happy living as a man. his family accepts him and loves him and supported him through the transition even though he was initially very scared to tell them. he is a musician working with teens in the school board (and freelance as well). for now he says to find support by googling the name of your closest largest city and transgender, queer or gay. even if you are not gay often they will have a transgender support group that you can attend, and can make referrals. if you are not ready to reach out yet you should at least find a therapist to talk with. being transgendered is not the end of the world. you can get through this.
  7. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Thanks for all you guys support.. I just don't feel my parents will accept it at all.. considering they are mormon..

    I wish I had more time to really think about this stuff.. at least prepare for it.. but I feel like its becoming too much to bear at times.. and I just want to end it.. but.. I cant.. Because I fear too much...

    Anyway.. I just am tired of dealing with one shitty thing after another.. I thought things were finally better.. and I could live my life happy.. but I feel as though I have a terminal illness... I feel like someone or something is always stealing away my life..

    I'm getting too annoyed to deal with it anymore.. I haven't really thought anything specifically through yet.. but.. My mind continues to re-play certain events Ive had in the past.. different attempts..

    Anyways.. I wish I didn't feel this F'ed up..
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    you'd be amazed at what parents can learn to accept

    my friend's father is an eastern orthodox priest. pretty conservative. his mother chinese, traditional background. as i said they love and support him. hold on to that thought. you may not be ready to talk to them now but one day you will be. it will be okay.
  9. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    unfortunately I dont have the option of time.. I have to decide within a few months.. I wish I did.. :(
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    why do you have to decide so quickly? it takes time to transition. you need to see a bunch of doctors including a psychiatrist. it will take them time to assess you properly, even before you start on hormones. it's probably more complicated in your situation because of your health problems. this isn't something to rush into.
  11. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately.. I DONT have the luxury or time.. Ive already had 2 MIGRAINES IN A ROW.. yesterday AND the day before.. and maybe having another today.. And Ill prob end up taking the D**N hormone AGAIN!! I prob dont have a D**N choice anyway!! Im STUCK in a TRAP!

    Im ISOLATED within my own head!! Im sorry for comming out so angrilly.. BUT IM JUST PISSED OFF!! Im SICK and TIRED of what this D**N hormone is DOING to ME!!


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