Not sure what I feel

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by the black raven, Oct 5, 2013.

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  1. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Finally I'm able to say goodbye to my girlfriend I met online. I have never met her, not even once. She said she gonna come, on August, she applied for VISA, then she got her VISA at end of august, her mom said she could go on september, but she always come up with some excuse. Her grandma passed away, got into a car accident(The latest). And in the past, she also used that car accident excuse, but she said it was her brother. This is the first time she said she got into a car accident. But she always seems like she want to avoid me. She's all I ever wanted, I don't want anything else but her, but finally I'm able to give up about her. Whenever I asked her the truth about how she feels, whether she want me to leave her or not, she always said she want "US" to be happy, together, and she always said ILY to me on facebook.

    These past few days, I'm unable to sleep at all. At all! It has been so stressful. I was feeling suicidal, but now I don't even know what I feel. All I feel is....cold, and I don't know, I don't feel a thing. I don't feel sad, but tears comes down. I don't feel like I lost something precious, but there is some heavy "pressure" on the back of my neck. I don't feel suicidal, though if the Grim Reaper come to me, I would gladly offer my life to him.

    She's the only thing I want, I don't want another love, ever, I would refuse a new love. I deleted my facebook, but left her a message, if she want to reply, she can e-mail me, and if I'm still around I would reply to her. I want to know what's in her feeling.

    What make me do this is because, today, I asked her friend, her irl friend, in a game, she's like her best friend irl, but older. My girlfriend is 21 this 8th, and her friend is over 40. I asked this friend, let's say F, I asked F about the truth, and what the hell is my gf doing because yesterday she didn't text me at all(On facebook) she said her phone broke, can't accept any call(possible because her phone is touchscreen). I asked this friend, and she said she's at work. WTH? My girldfriend said she quit work for me, and she just got into a car accident. Working? WTH? And then I asked F to tell me the truth, because I would rather know the truth and be left, than to live in lies. I promised if she tell me the truth about my gf not wanting me, I wouldnt kill myself or do any self harm. She said. leave me out of this.
    It's obvious she's keeping a secret. and My girlfriend didnt text me for 2 weeks a week ago. Then she texted for 3 days, only once a day, and yesterday no text at all, that's why I asked F.....

    Why do I feel like this? What should I do? I refuse to find a new love. I just want her, but I know I couldn't have her. Even if she told me she love me, and she want "us" to be happy, her action is different. She keep avoiding me. It's very obvious. But why won't she tell me the truth? Am I only her toy to play with? She doesn't look like someone who play with people. She told me she had abusive ex, and I want to keep her away from abusive people. She know that pain. She's not someone who's mentally sick either. I don't know what to believe anymore.
  2. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Im sorry to tell you that by virtual relationships dont last, by the looks of it she dont want to be with you anyways.
    Another thing i would suggest, leave your mental issues out of it, dont tell any potential partner about it, im telling this because research have been done,
    the conclusions were that shearing your mental health issues with a potential partner will push back the partner beyond the point where he\she will no longer be interested in you.
    Start over, find a nice local girl, its far better
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