Not Sure What I Want Anymore (Long, sorry.)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by xsugarskullx, Jul 17, 2014.

  1. xsugarskullx

    xsugarskullx Member

    New here, not sure exactly what to say out who I'm saying this to.

    I've been depressed as long as I can remember. My mom had committed suicide when I was not even a year old, leaving me and my older sister with the man who drove her to do so.

    I've been overweight my entire life, my highest was at around 320lbs (now down to around 240, goal weight is 120), which was shortly after my dad and step mom had gotten a divorce. They divorced because he was cheating on her with his best friend's wife, whom he is still dating. This was around three years ago, when my half brother was 2. My step mom took him and moved back in with her parents.

    I'm 19 years old now, have gone through and recovered from bulimia, but I still struggle with my depression, self harm, self hate, and bipolar disorder. I isolate myself from friends, family, and even my boyfriend who, for some reason, puts up with all of it.

    I've been to maybe 7 or 8 therapists since I was around 4, I've been prescribed Celexa, Lexapro, and Prozac (at different times, obviously), all of which I stopped taking because my dad saw improvement in me, so he decided it was just a waste of money; I was fixed, daddy, I got better. Time to take away the only thing that gave me any chance of hope, right?

    I don't know what to do anymore, suicide really seems like my best bet, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to do it. I'm lost, I really am. I'm tired of waking up every morning to a job, body, face, and life I just hate. I really can't do it anymore. Nothing has helped, it would take a miracle (ha)'to save me at this point.

    Sorry for any typos, shaky fingers.
  2. ThomasS

    ThomasS New Member

    I want to start by saying that I am not a doctor or therapist in anyway. Going back to the psychiatrist is probably the safest bet. I think finding the right meds is all i need and maybe what you need.. I've been off meds for 2 years and even though life is going good on the surface, i'm overwhelmed with anxiety, doubt and have a poor self-image. I think i will go back for an appointment myself. I may find a new med or go back to the old one.

    Take care.
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I'm truly sorry to hear of your story, and whatever you do, don't apologize for the telling of it! It's something that we've all done, and will continue to do, so please feel free to speak as much as you like...

    I think you should stop for a moment--& give your self some credit - for all that you have been through. It must not have been easy. You have an outstanding attitude! And I'm glad your boyfriend is there for you.

    Now, did you say that some of the medications were helpful for you (outside of your father's expectations)? Then I think it is a wise time to reintroduce yourself to your therapist, or psychiatrist, and have a discussion with them about which one(s) worked the best: and then go from there; based on their recommendations.

    It doesn't really matter what anybody else thinks: friends/family; you're the only opinion that makes a difference! Do you have insurance? If not, there are other ways (though I'm not smart enough to know what those are) to get assistance.
    Best of luck to you.
  4. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. I identify with a lot of what you say. Part of what has kept me going is just silly things. I had a cat, and then I didn't want to die because I was afraid of leaving my cat, but then the cat died. I quickly got another cat. I am chronically depressed and it's difficult to do or enjoy anything. I distract myself with little things.

    I'm trying to like myself. The first step is acceptance.

    It sounds like your dad doesn't know how antidepressants work. But yes, they do (in my experience) shut off the bad negative voices in your head.