Not sure what the point is...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aesim, Jul 11, 2016.

  1. Aesim

    Aesim New Member

    Not sure what drew me to this place, but here I am trying to place how I feel into words on a screen
    My parents and I have an explosive relationship, some may see that as passionate perhaps even caring? Unfortunately they are the type of people who see life through a lens and won't see another's point of view. At most we last a week before everything crumbles around us.
    My father was in the military and moved around a lot. I feel this meant I missed out on being able to forge the type of relationship with even a single friend that I could truly trust to be there no matter how I act. Another thing moving around a lot gave me was this capability to be whatever anyone around me needed me to be. A sort of social chameleon if you will. This means that I feel sometimes I may lose "friends" if I were to be more "myself".
    Being around people who think I am someone else, is better than not being around anyone at all right? That's what I thought but then I began to realise I started to harbour resentment towards these people as they all had these friendships and I was that grey man(not through lack of effirt) that everyone forgot was there.
    The isolation and worthlessness is then further pressed upon me by my dating life (or lack therof). I mean I have been in dates but all in the singular sense never to here from them again, even from those I thought went well. Don't get me wrong I understand a relationship shouldn't be about making oneself happy but about making another happy, it still bites though when it's rejection after rejection. Now I feel I may as well stop as I feel I come on way too strong the more desperate I get.

    Ultimately it comes to this. I work for money, I go home, I sleep to be able to work more and I repeat. Perhaps I put too much stock into relationships but without real ones what is the point? Other than to be the good little worker bee that benefits the company I work for. And if all I'm here to do is work until I die then what was the point? Is "life" not meant to be about the little moments in our relationships?

    I feel myself more and more considering what if I wasn't here? And I'm finding less and less reasons to care.

    I once tried professional help and before I knew it chameleon kicked in and I was once again telling them what I thought they wanted to hear not what they should hear. At least here I know nothing about you, and you know nothing about me.
     
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    Give yourself more time. things might get better.
     
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are important and please from the bottom of my heart please stay strong and be safe. Keep posting as we understand your pain.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That is the problem, you need to be brutally honest with your mental health workers, doctors and therapists, otherwise they cannot help you. Be honest, reach out for help again and just be yourself and see what they can do for you. I hope you do this, you deserve to be helped just as much as the next person. I wish you the best of luck :)
     
  5. Zeke171

    Zeke171 Active Member

    I've had to be a chameleon also, mostly with my family. I know its not fun. In the end because I tried to please all of them it seems that now that none of them really trust me. It wasn't because I lied or anything, it's just that because I didn't take anyone's side specifically that they all believe that i'm on the others side. Which isn't true. There's no reasoning or valid argument with any of them. They dislike each other, and because I tried to play peacemaker i'm the bad guy. I don't think that's fair, and just adds to my already overwhelming depression.

    Sorry I went off on my own tangent. I'm new to this site also, and don't know why I even joined. But the people here will try their best to at least give you some encouragement, which is better than just dwelling on the negatives. As for a good relationship, don't give up. And you may not have to try so hard. Sometimes the right person comes along at the right time. And I feel you about being a worker bee at work. Been there before, and the only thing I could suggest is to try finding something that doesn't involve work or dating, something you enjoy that you don't feel any pressure. Anyways, good luck and I hope you pull yourself out of the funk your in.
     
  6. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Time to stop being the chameleon and time to start being you. No one can help you if you hide behind a facade and say and do the things you think they want you to say and do. At some point, you have to say stop, enough is enough and I need help. You are here so my best guess is, you have now reached that point.

    No one here will judge you, but plenty will listen and maybe advise, thats what the place is about. If you just wanna talk, then thats fine, theres no pressure to do anything more. But if you want change, you have to find it and work at it. It wont happen overnight and it can be hard going.

    But welcome to SF. I hope you stay around and get to know a few of us and maybe find some of the answers you are looking for and the happiness you obviously seek.
     
  7. DadzTruk

    DadzTruk Member

    I just want to say we all have some of the same feelings as you do from time to time. I’m not a professional counselor, so all I can say is just don’t get “stuck” in those moments. When we allow ourselves to get stuck, it just seems like things begin to snowball. I’ve learned over the years that a lot of things in life are a cycle, they go rough for a while and then they get better. Then there will be another bumpy road. The main thing to remember is that it will get better.

    I had a relationship end badly when I was in my early 20’s. I thought I was at the bottom of a pit. I was ready to give up on everything and everybody. Then, I met the woman who would become my wife and we have been married over 20 years. If I had given up like I wanted to so many times, I would have never experienced the joy of a good marriage and 4 children.

    One last comment on the social chameleon. I think we all do that a lot more than we should. I have had a handful of people in my entire life that I could be the “real” me with. Most of us can’t really handle the “real” side of others. I promise you, you have that same handful of people who are OK with the real you. You just haven’t found them yet and they won’t expect you to pretend.

    I’m fully convinced that every person ever born has a purpose – a good and meaningful purpose. Someone or group of someones out there need you. Don’t give up and try the counselors again. Be real and see if they can handle it. Praying for you to find some joy.