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Not sure what to call this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Apr 27, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    I guess my day could have been worse, but it was still shit.

    I have severe social anxiety disorder, borderline agoraphobic, etc. I also have a fear of crowds, roads, public transport.
    I had to meet a relative and I had to cross this really busy road, it also has many many shops around. I was terrified. If you've got the same type of anxiety as me you know how horrible it is to go through that, people and roads, hell it makes me shudder at the thought.
    I dress alternatively (which is stupid if you're a anxious person, I know, heard all that shit before) so I get a lot more looks than most people.
    After that I went to my grandfathers, after leaving the house with my uncle I saw this gang of people in their 20's staring at me for ages. I mentioned it to my uncle and he told me one of them specifically is a local drug dealer and probably recognised us. The look the guy gave me was a nasty look,
    My father was murdered just down the street 2 and a half years ago, I always suspected his girlfriend and her family but the police were very sure it was drug related. I keep thinking if it was this guy who killed my dad, or perhaps he was there (the police said there were at least 2 people there at the time)
    I just can't get it out of my head, I keep wondering if the person walking past me was there, participated or did it. (Also, my father sold pot so some people think he's pissed off another drug dealer and the drug dealer killed him, heard it so many bloody times)
    And I feel sick that I could shake their hand, hug them, kiss them, chat to them and the person could be gloating at me. I just want it all to be over with, I hope (though I'm pretty sure I'm just kidding myself) that if they find those responsible that I'll get some kind of closure. The police don't give a fuck though they're pretending to try. They've found a phone that connects to his death that is registed in my name (first and last name), the area the phone is registed from is a fair distance away, I don't think I had a phone registed in my name ever, especially when I was under 12.
    The entire thing is confusing, we still don't know what happened.
    That stupid incident with that stupid drug dealer brought all the pain back.

    I want to visit his grave too but... I'm too anxious to go on my own and I don't want to be around my family, I don't know how to get to the grave and I can't bare the thought of going on my own, I don't know the area.
    So I can't go until my anxiety is a little better (Compared to being unable to leave the house at all it's a lot better) and that could be a while.
    I just... I feel like shit, suicidal may not be the best way of explaining it.
    I just feel empty, sad, I feel like it's the grief all over again.
    I don't think I ever grieved properly, I still feel like I'm in shock again and it's been years.
    Anyways, this is long enough, thank you for reading it.
  2. srilu

    srilu Member

    Everyone will be punished for their mistakes, dont worry ,people who caused your pain will also be punished.
    When we lose someone who is very close to us we can never accept their death.
    Stay strong.Try taking your friends help to visit the grave.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry for your loss hun wish you could find some closure some support to help you hugs
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