Not sure what to do at this point...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alex95, May 18, 2016.

  1. Alex95

    Alex95 New Member

    I feel ashamed about talking about this. Every single day the thought of committing suicide is always present. Its all I ever think about, it has just gotten worse and worse to the point that when I am drunk, high, or even buzzed I feel even more comfortable with the thought of suicide. I guess we can start with my childhood, well what can I say? Its as generic as one can get, I was bullied, isolated, and abused by own mom because of the most minuscule of things. My parents always hated each other and every day and night they would be fighting to the point the police were called. I was always brought up, of how much of a disappointment and a burden on their relationship. They both were in previous marriages and had children as well. And then when they got together, and my dad saw that my mother got pregnant, he wanted to abort me. But most of the time he was at work and my mom was a flight attendant for a while. So I rarely saw my parents until elementary school. The times i did see them, they fought or my mother just beat me or my dog. When i got to elementary school, is when i truly learned of suicide, my aunt<<suicided>>herself. And it always resonated with me, and my mom always saying that my dad and i were the reasons why she was going to and then meeting my sister's friend who a week later committed suicide and leaving my sister to actually <<attempted>> herself but was literally saved at the last second only to attempt to commit suicide again when I am in middle school and once more in highschool. So because of that, it always resonated with me. Being bullied, having a lack of friends, and just overall paranoid and just being isolated. Then dealing with the dissappointment when i came out to my parents...
    Once i graduated highschool immediately enlisted in the army for actuve duty so I can just get away from there. But...dealing with particular people when they found out of my orientation, being lonely and then not to mention I literally learned in Feb this year that I have a precancerous lesion in my right colon that I need to be closely monitored for. Just doesnt help me at all, I need this all to end.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 19, 2016
  2. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you've had a rough past. It does sound like you have a promising career though and you are so young that your life can still be whatever you want it to be despite being dealt some bad cards early in life. It's great that the lesion was discovered early and you can take steps to monitor it. I don't want to list any comparisons that might trigger other members but it mostly just sounds like you had a rough childhood. I know (believe me I really know...) how hard and even impossible it can be to move on and forget terrible people and terrible events, and the reality is you might never forget, but you are at a point now where you can be your own person now and tell all those haters to go pound sand.
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    I am sorry for your losses. @Alex95
    What about reaching out to a professional for help?
    Alex95 likes this.
  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Alex, you've had a tough road. But don't let it beat you, you can change your future. Get some help with therapy,maybe some medication to get you through this rough time. Life can and will get better for you, it does take some work, but you can do it. Glad you've joined the forum and I welcome you. You'll find a lot of good and supportive people on here. There's also a chat room you'll probably like, stay with us and share your problems. Take care of yourself.

    And shame in sharing your pain.
    Alex95 likes this.