I feel ashamed about talking about this. Every single day the thought of committing suicide is always present. Its all I ever think about, it has just gotten worse and worse to the point that when I am drunk, high, or even buzzed I feel even more comfortable with the thought of suicide. I guess we can start with my childhood, well what can I say? Its as generic as one can get, I was bullied, isolated, and abused by own mom because of the most minuscule of things. My parents always hated each other and every day and night they would be fighting to the point the police were called. I was always brought up, of how much of a disappointment and a burden on their relationship. They both were in previous marriages and had children as well. And then when they got together, and my dad saw that my mother got pregnant, he wanted to abort me. But most of the time he was at work and my mom was a flight attendant for a while. So I rarely saw my parents until elementary school. The times i did see them, they fought or my mother just beat me or my dog. When i got to elementary school, is when i truly learned of suicide, my aunt<<suicided>>herself. And it always resonated with me, and my mom always saying that my dad and i were the reasons why she was going to and then meeting my sister's friend who a week later committed suicide and leaving my sister to actually <<attempted>> herself but was literally saved at the last second only to attempt to commit suicide again when I am in middle school and once more in highschool. So because of that, it always resonated with me. Being bullied, having a lack of friends, and just overall paranoid and just being isolated. Then dealing with the dissappointment when i came out to my parents... Once i graduated highschool immediately enlisted in the army for actuve duty so I can just get away from there. But...dealing with particular people when they found out of my orientation, being lonely and then not to mention I literally learned in Feb this year that I have a precancerous lesion in my right colon that I need to be closely monitored for. Just doesnt help me at all, I need this all to end.