hi all. for a very long time, i have hated myself. i'd say this has been going on for about 3 years. i've tried to resolve but try as i might, it prevails. i don't know what to do at this point. i hate myself completely, every look in the mirror is some sort of dig at myself. i don't really forgive myself either. the bigger problem at the moment is my depersonalization cycle. when i am depersonalized, it has varying levels of severity. the lowest level is minor and i just feel a little foggy and indirect with surroundings/people. i can function normally. the highest level doesn't tend to last for more than a minute but is somewhat impairing. brain feels like it is in shock and it is very hard to focus on anything. anyway, when i am in my body, i hate myself and am somewhat unhappy. when i am depersonalized, i am indifferent to myself and basically everything. i go through cycles where i crash into my body for a day or two and then am out of it for a day or two. this is a bit distressing and i have yet to adapt. i'm hoping my withdrawal from casual drug (marijuana, cocaine, heroin) use will help. anyway, i fucking hate living. i just wish i were dead most of the time but i don't really feel like killing myself. i have no clue what to do. i need to see someone and get help though, that's for sure. someone point me in the right direction. i'm lost.