Not sure what to do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by jamesthecat, Apr 29, 2015.

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  1. jamesthecat

    jamesthecat Member

    Hi Y'all, I'm new to the forum and have been lurking for a few days without posting anything because I wasn't sure if I wanted to reach out...

    I don't know what to do because I'm not sure whether or not I am in a mental health crisis. I have a diagnosis of BPD, Anxiety, ED, and a mood disorder. For the last few months I have been gradually getting more depressed and anxious and have begun to self harm once more. A few years ago I was very mentally unwell and was in hospital for a month because I was putting myself at risk (self harm, ED, drinking too much, walking the streets at night and feeling pretty suicidal) but I managed to work really hard at setting a routine and eating well and have been feeling much better until recently.

    Last week I broke up with my partner, and it was my birthday at the weekend. For most of the day I was alone, and I felt extremely suicidal all day and had to stop myself from jumping in front of a train on my way home. I know that what I am feeling is partly because of my relationship ending (which was the right thing to do because it wasn't a healthy relationship), but it scared me how certain I was that I must be coming to the end of my life. Even when I was very unwell and behaving recklessly, I never felt certain that my life should end, there was always an element of hope. But now I just feel as though the work I have to do to have a normal life again (get back to work, build a social life, make friends) seems too much. It seems impossible, because for the last 5 years I have been unable to work or have a social life because my anxiety and emotions are unmanageable. And for the last couple of years I have done nothing but fight my own brain to make myself well, now there feels like there's no fight left in me.

    I have therapy twice a week, which is really helpful and my therapist has said I can call her anytime and call the crisis team out of hours. I did explain to her how I felt and she's told me to let them know if anything gets worse... but the thing is I don't know at what point that is.

    Previously, after I came out of hospital before I had been very unsafe and begged for an inpatient bed but was denied, I'm not sure what the reason was. After that happened I made an attempt on my life and was in intensive care for 3 days (nobody even noticed I was gone and the crisis team didn't visit me). I am worried that if I do admit how low I am the same thing may happen again and I now know exactly what I would do to make sure it worked.

    I'm just trying to maintain a sense of normality at the moment.. I volunteer from home once a week (admin stuff) and am trying to spend time with some people I know from a fitness group I used to go to, but I don't really have any friends anymore because I've isolated myself from them. I had to walk away from my old friendship group because they were really awful to me and it wasn't healthy to be around them so I'm feeling quite alone right now.

    I know this post probably makes little sense. But I guess the reason I am posting this is because I don't know what point I should be asking for more help. I'm not eating or sleeping, and self harming quite a lot. I'm going to my parents for the weekend but after I get back I feel like I may slide into oblivion and there's nothing left to fight for - it's hard work dealing with all of this and I can't tell my family how bad things are because they always tell me there's nothing wrong with me. I keep thinking if I just make sure I do the volunteering, and attempt to meet up with some people and pretend to my family that everything is cool, then eventually it will pass.. but it's hard. I feel like I'm disappearing.

    Anyway, I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about ending my life, and writing letters to people in my head. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to end up doing something based on feelings that may pass, but I can't see any end to the anxiety and I'm just SO tired. I used to be on medication but that made me physically unwell and I can't start taking new meds without compromising my physical health, I just feel so trapped.

    J x
  2. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    i came out of the hospital a little over a month ago ...

    in Pennsylvania we have mental health clubs in each county (or something like that) ... i found that going to the club in my county helped me a lot to socially adjust myself.

    so that's hardly a solution for all the problems u mentioned but i thought i'd mention it b/c of how helpful i found it to be
  3. jamesthecat

    jamesthecat Member

    Thanks for replying afterlifepig, and I'm sorry you've been going through tough times too.

    You've reminded me that there's a group of people with BPD who go to arts events, I always meant to try and go along to one of their meets (but was terrified, lol). It sounds like a good idea and I'm going to see if they have any events soon :)

    I'm feeling a little better today so maybe it was just a blip... lets hope so!

  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Welcome aboard. Had to chime in as you and pig got cool usernames.

    Yeah I get the slide into oblivion thing. Just hang in there. What about sharing your feelings with your parents? .
  5. jamesthecat

    jamesthecat Member

    Hey DrownedFishOnFire,

    Sharing my thoughts with my parents just isn't an option at all.. they go crazy over stuff like this and my mother always throws it back in my face. I'm visiting them at the moment and couldn't believe it when yesterday she told me that she thought her friend had brought her heart condition on herself, because she moved around a lot and was always renovating her house. I just couldn't even respond.

    I thought for a couple of days that I was feeling better, but being here I haven't been able to stop thinking about all the stuff I would have to sort out before ending my life. I don't feel so scared about it anymore, but maybe it's just my mind playing tricks. I always felt guilty about these thoughts in the past, but lately I've started thinking that maybe it's for the best, and that given time they would probably understand, a bit. I don't know. I'm seeing my therapist the day after I get back and I am probably just being an idiot anyway.

    On the plus side I got my hair cut and it looks pretty cool. Yay for stupid little distractions!
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Yeah. I also dont share anything with my parents but for a different reason though. Im always asked if I have a support system everytime Im in crisis. It annoys me to no end that Im asked if I have a family or friend to talk to. I rather tell my Therapist.
  7. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    Hey James,

    well it's only been a week since you broke up- so it's natural to feel heightened levels of depression. It sounds like you were the one to break up with her, but it must've been hard regardless of who the instigator was. One doesn't simply end a relationship and stay completely level headed, unless they're an odd case. Time will ease the pain, so for now just try to keep your mind off things.

    You may not have many friends at the moment, but there are things you can do to lift your mood anyway that don't require friends. Maybe watch some tv series, or get absorbed in a hobby or something- I always find that it's the best thing for me to do when I'm trying to get over something. Move away from self-destructive escape methods and pick the healthier, safer options if you can. You self harm- so maybe try holding an ice cube in your hand as an alternative to the blade. And of course hobbies as opposed to alcohol. And for your self-starvation, maybe try doing things to stimulate your appetite- such as going online and looking at delicious food, watching foodnetwork shows or something. As for the sleep deprivation, that's mostly out of your control, but you could possibly try putting on some soothing music to help yourself wind down for the night.

    Basically, distractions are the key, especially when you're in a severely compromised mental state.

    Once time passes, and you calm down and your outlook on life improves enough, you could start building up some friendships again! Just try to hold out till then, you'll get to that good state of mind eventually.
  8. jamesthecat

    jamesthecat Member

    Damn, I think I just lost the reply I wrote...

    Thank you all for your replies, it means a lot to me that there are people in the world who would reply to a complete stranger on the internet.

    I am flying home tomorrow - the visit with my parents was totally weird because I talked about breaking up with my boyfriend in a way that sounded like I didn't care too much, and that I was excited about the future. I don't think that's how I really feel, but they bought it and for a while I believed myself too which made me feel like it was possible to move on and maybe meet someone new, in time. Planning on staying single for a long time, which is probably a good idea.

    I'm giving myself a year. I have stuff to do for the volunteering, a project to complete, and there are people who I am sort of becoming friends with who are good people. It could go one way or the other, but if it goes the good way then I'll be so insanely grateful to the universe. The hopeless thoughts are still there, but for some absurd reason I feel like there's stuff to achieve that I want to achieve so that's got to be a good thing.

    It's not like it was just the breakup that made me feel this way though. I had been feeling this way before, and I am still SO tired from trying so hard to just function that it has left me feeling like there's nothing left to give, but.. I don't know. Maybe it was just a hurdle.

    Anyway, thank you so much for being here. You'll never know how grateful I was to have somewhere to come and just.. be.

    James x
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