Not sure what to do...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Ferret, May 4, 2009.

  1. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone,

    I have this female friend who I met 5 years ago on my trip to Germany. She's really nice, and we seem to have a lot in common. Over the past few months, my feelings changed for her. Sparks flew and my mind was telling me that this is the person I should be with for the rest of my life. But it didn't quite turn out that way.

    Back in December I asked her out. She said she didn't want to ruin our friendship in case things didn't work out. I thought it was just an excuse to not hurt my feelings. I don't have much confidence in myself and thought she just wasn't giving me a chance to prove myself. Over the last few months we've gotten closer, hanging out a lot more than normal. But, this is what happened...

    Two weeks ago she was at my house and I asked her what she was doing the following Saturday. She said she had made tentative plans to do something but wouldn't tell me what. I left it at that. In talking to a friend a few days later I came to the assumption that she might be going out on a date. I've battled depression for years and I'm still grieving over the loss of my sister who passed away 3 weeks ago. I got really frustrated and upset because I thought that if she was indeed going out on a date, then she's obviously not interested in me. So with that, I sent her an email stating that I wanted to know for sure that nothing will ever happen with us and that I'm probably just wasting my time. It turned into a bitter fight. She said that the only reason I was mad was because I wanted to sleep with her, which was definitely not true. I just wanted companionship from her. She finally said that maybe we can't be friends, because I want more than what she could provide. I was insulted and hurt by her email, but I know it was my fault. I replied to say how sorry I was for getting mad and that these past few weeks have been so bad for me. She understood where I was coming from, and everything seemed fine. The next day I offered to take her out to lunch. She said thanks, but sorry, she had other plans. I felt like she was just making excuses. So out of additional frustration I send her an email saying that our friendship was second rate to being in a relationship because when she has a boyfriend she won't bother with me as much. And so began the silent treatment, for an entire week. Yesterday, out of desperation, I bought her a flower and went to her house. She was shocked that I was there, and asked me why I had come by. We ended up talking for a few hours. I stood in the doorway the entire time. On to the conclusion...

    She said that us being close turned out to be unhealthy for both of us, because we weren't putting ourselves out there to meet new people. I told her that she was the only person who I wanted to hang out with, and she meant more to me that she could ever imagine. She said she wanted some space and time to herself, and that we couldn't go back to being that close, without some time passing by. She also said she thought about the idea of us being together but she shot down the idea. We agreed to be casual friends and see what happens from there. I once again was hurt by this decision, but knew there was nothing I could do about it. I wrote her another email today stating that I may not be that confident, but I know I'm a nice guy. I also said that I've been thinking about killing myself, and that she could probably find another friend like me.

    I don't know what to do now. I feel like I've ruined this friendship. She keeps denying the fact that I'm not good enough to be with her, even though I keep thinking otherwise. I thought about not talking to her for a long time, and hoping she will see a different side to this situation, even though I'm not counting on it. Maybe it's because I'm not confident in myself that she tries to avoid me and make up excuses so that we can't hang out. I remember us holding hands on random occasions. She makes me so happy, but once again I face rejection, this time from the love of my life. That's what really hurts the most. I feel so stupid, I just wish I had the courage to jump off a cliff and into a dark, freezing ocean. But I can't do it.

    I don't have much luck with women. I'm not that great in social situations. Last night I tried to talk to some women but they had 0 interest in me. It seems my life isn't getting any better. I feel so alone now, so lonely. I just want to die.
  2. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    From the info you have provided in your post, it is quite clear than you have a very close friend and that alone in something to protect. She doesn't see you as more than this and as her friend you should respect this, even if it does hurt you a little. She has indicated that because you have spent so much time together you have both not put yourself out to find a partner. Again this may hurt your feelings but is probably correct. Even though you claim to not have much like with woman, maybe if your friend finds a potential partner she can introduce to new friends gained. My advice to you, and it is only advice so you don't have to take it, is to rescue your friendship with this girl and move on, you have too many years as friends to let it fizzle out.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I agree with what Graham said. I'm sorry it's hurting you; but if you push the issue of a relationship, it sounds like you're going to lose a close friend. It sounds like the two of you have an amazing friendship, and maybe if you can accept the fact that you're just going to be friends, you can get it back.
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I've been in a similar situation a couple of times. Through my own experience I've got to agree with the advice already given above. Once the other person has made up their mind, they are not going to change it. If the two of you were meant to be closer, it probably would have already happened.

    If you value her friendship, tell her you understand and try to keep her as a good friend. This approach worked out well for me.

    I know it's hard at first to be 'just friends' with someone you really love, but you can learn to adapt to it. Then continue to try and meet new people. It may not seem possible now, but you will. And, like Graham says above, you might meet someone through her if you remain friends. This happened to me: I was introduced by the one I was crazy about to one of her girlfriends and we were together for a long time.
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation with this friend of yours. I think you two should definitely have some time away from eachother.
    Usually or most of the time, when someone makes up their mind about being close friends or being in a relationship, then that doesn't change.

    I'm sure as long as you keep socializing and interacting, you'll find and make more good friends and also find someone who wants to be with you.
  6. rallymaster19

    rallymaster19 New Member

    I've been exactly where you've been a couple times before. It's difficult because you have such strong feelings for her but she doesn't reciprocate those feelings. Like some others have said, if a relationship beyond just friendship were to emerge between the two of you, it would have already happened. I think the only choice that remains is whether you want to remain friends with her or go your separate ways altogether.

    I think because the two of you seem like really good friends, perhaps it is worth a lot to stay friends. However, I know it must be really difficult seeing her knowing the two of you aren't more than just friends, so maybe just some time apart may be a good thing for the both of you. Give it some time, and hopefully those strong feelings for her will fade away.
  7. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I feel a bit better now :). I don't want to lose my friend. She means so much to me and I don't know what I'd do without her. My birthday is coming up soon and I want her to celebrate it with me, despite the fact that I'm still hurting. I really need some space still, but she is my only true friend in this city at the moment.

    I feel like all I can be to a woman is just a friend. It never goes beyond that. I often think that my feelings are constantly being ignored and there's no one around to support me. I wonder if she feels any guilt at all towards what I'm going through. I guess it's just going to be me in the picture for a long time. I quit my job to go back to school and start a new life. I hoped I could start it with her. Good things are never meant to be it seems. I'm slightly bitter towards women at the moment. No offense to any of you gals here :).

    Thanks again.
  8. endlessskies58

    endlessskies58 Well-Known Member

    its strange to read this because it makes me feel horrible.

    i have been the girl you are talking about more than once.

    i will tell you what happened from her perspective i suppose?

    i have a lot of guy friends and a good amount of them like me. it depresses me because i really just want to be their friend but i know that they want more.

    its not like i've never entertained the thought of going out with any of them, they just weren't my 'type' or someone i felt compatible with romantically. i especially feel this way though because a lot of these guys started liking me instantly after meeting me.

    now, from a girls perspective, if a guy starts liking you instantly and he doesn't really know you then he is in it for sex. once i've labeled this on a guy, its hard for me to think otherwise and it really makes me wonder what the friendship is about. if you wanted sex in the beginning then what would change that now even if you know me for me?

    it makes me feel like i am just a chase that they are entertaining themselves with and that they don't even realize that once they have me they will become bored of me. once they've had sex with me, they aren't my friend anymore and they will leave me feeling dirty and used. i let them win the chase and use my body. i was just a game and they exploited me.

    and i hate to say it... if a guy takes a lot of interest in me right after meeting me and i'm not at a bar or club then i instantly get turned off to him. and even if you don't think that you are acting like you are interested we can tell. we are INCREDIBLY good at reading body language and there are guy friends that i have that i bet don't even know that i know that they like me.

    i feel horrible about being their friends sometimes because i can tell it hurts them but i really question what i'm hurting sometimes... their heart or their ego?

    so why do i stay their friends? i do like them a lot as people and i really do hope that it will change and they will actually want to just be my friend. i also find it hard being a woman to be mean and say no, especially when all they are asking for is friendship.

    now, with this girl, i think you need time apart from her. i think that you can't ever really be her friend until you have fallen out of love with her.

    but i really also think that you should be honest with her about this. tell her how you feel and why you are taking time apart. tell her that you really love her and you care for her so much but you need time to 'get over' her.

    the fact that you are doing this will probably give you a lot of respect for her and she may even question how she feels about you seeing that you really care for her that much that you are treating her like a love interest or break up. this will help her see that maybe you aren't in it for sex.

    do this the right way though and make it a very mature thing or else it could come off the wrong way.

    and either way, spending time away from her will help you fall out of love with her so you can be happy to find someone else and be friends again. she isn't the only one out there so go and have fun!

    confidence is the sexiest thing you can find in a man btw ;)

    i hope this made you feel a little better :(
  9. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    So a lot has happened since I last posted in this thread. Two weeks ago I made a surprise visit to my friend's house with a flower to show how sorry I was for causing such a mess. She was shocked to say the least, but in a not so good way. I had to do it, because she wasn't responding to my calls or email. Anyway, we talked things over for quite a awhile, and she said that hanging out all the time wasn't healthy for either of us because we weren't allowing ourselves to meet new people. Not that it made any difference to me, as she provided all the company I needed. She also said we couldn't go back to the way things were before, and that's what really hurts. I've gone from being her close friend to a casual friend, and that really hurts. I want closeness from her, and I really miss it. I didn't mean for things to turn out this way, and I regret all those times when I tried for something more out of our friendship. She said that we shouldn't aim for being close friends, just let time go by and see what happens. I celebrated my birthday without her. I feel so lost and hopeless. I've lost someone because I had feelings for her. I'm lonely without her. I deserve this, I know I do. I'm an awful person. I should just hang myself right now under the full moon. I guess there's only so many tears I can cry. But in the end, I have to say goodbye.....
  10. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    No, you don't deserve this nor should you end your life. Maybe things will change in time but also you might make another close friend. You won't know unless you try to stop this from dominating your mind. Otherwise you will be stuck in one place.
  11. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    I invaded her space. I was looking for attention because I felt so alone. I wrote an apology letter to her and left it between the wipers on her car. I guess that was a bad idea, because the car was on her parent's property, and that's an act of evasion right there. Anyway. the next day she emailed me and told me not to call, write, or come by her house anymore. It came as a shock to me, and I wanted to explain myself in person. But then I got a call from her mother saying that if I stepped one foot on her property, she would call the cops. She said I was stalking her daughter and saying I was going to cut and kill myself. I dunno how her mother found out about my cries for help, but anyway she said I needed help and that her daughter didn't want me around anymore. Then she hung up on me. I wrote my friend another email saying that if the cops do come by, then consider me dead. I wanted to disappear, so I bought some beer and drove to the darkest place I could find. Hours pass and I just kept drinking and listening to Ozzy Osbourne take me into his suicide world. I didn't know what the do next. I received a text from my roommate saying that the cops were looking for me because everyone was scared that I was going to kill myself. I stabbed myself in the chest instead. I really needed to go to the hospital. So I started walking. Another mistake. The cops were waiting for me a block away. I was carrying the knife I stabbed myself with, and was held at gunpoint. I dropped the knife and was told to kick it aside. As soon as I did another cop (there were 4 of them) threw me against his car and handcuffed me. Talk about trying to be a help. I felt like a criminal. Wasn't making it any better. I was escorted to a psychiatric clinic, which is the same as a mental hospital. I had to do some test which I think was a blood and urine sample of some sort, but I was still too drunk to care lol . I finally talked to a psychiatrist there and explained what was going on. It was great to have undivided attention for an hour. That's what I really needed.

    The psychiatrist is going to set me up with long term counseling, which I so relieved about. I was waiting for it all along. As for my friend, I was told to just give it time, cut off all contact with her completely, and things should start being positive again. I'm still hurt though. I didn't mean to make this huge mistake. Now her parent's hate me. I liked her family, but I'm afraid the bridge is burnt. I should have asked my friend to marry me before all this shit happened. At least I could tell myself that I poured my heart out to someone I loved so much. Now I just feel stupid, and mentally retarded. A friendship is ruined, and now I'm truly alone.

    I would applaud the first person who would hunt me down and shoot me right now. I'm not worth much else than being in a body bag.
  12. Ferret

    Ferret Well-Known Member

    I guess I just need some advice. I feel really devastated about this. All of this has happened while I'm still grieving for my sister, who died a month ago at the age of 37. I'm more than devastated. I'm crushed.
  13. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about all that has happened recently. It's good though that you will be having some councelling and that your getting support.

    Hopefully one day you will find someone who really likes you and wants to be with you.