Hi everyone, I have this female friend who I met 5 years ago on my trip to Germany. She's really nice, and we seem to have a lot in common. Over the past few months, my feelings changed for her. Sparks flew and my mind was telling me that this is the person I should be with for the rest of my life. But it didn't quite turn out that way. Back in December I asked her out. She said she didn't want to ruin our friendship in case things didn't work out. I thought it was just an excuse to not hurt my feelings. I don't have much confidence in myself and thought she just wasn't giving me a chance to prove myself. Over the last few months we've gotten closer, hanging out a lot more than normal. But, this is what happened... Two weeks ago she was at my house and I asked her what she was doing the following Saturday. She said she had made tentative plans to do something but wouldn't tell me what. I left it at that. In talking to a friend a few days later I came to the assumption that she might be going out on a date. I've battled depression for years and I'm still grieving over the loss of my sister who passed away 3 weeks ago. I got really frustrated and upset because I thought that if she was indeed going out on a date, then she's obviously not interested in me. So with that, I sent her an email stating that I wanted to know for sure that nothing will ever happen with us and that I'm probably just wasting my time. It turned into a bitter fight. She said that the only reason I was mad was because I wanted to sleep with her, which was definitely not true. I just wanted companionship from her. She finally said that maybe we can't be friends, because I want more than what she could provide. I was insulted and hurt by her email, but I know it was my fault. I replied to say how sorry I was for getting mad and that these past few weeks have been so bad for me. She understood where I was coming from, and everything seemed fine. The next day I offered to take her out to lunch. She said thanks, but sorry, she had other plans. I felt like she was just making excuses. So out of additional frustration I send her an email saying that our friendship was second rate to being in a relationship because when she has a boyfriend she won't bother with me as much. And so began the silent treatment, for an entire week. Yesterday, out of desperation, I bought her a flower and went to her house. She was shocked that I was there, and asked me why I had come by. We ended up talking for a few hours. I stood in the doorway the entire time. On to the conclusion... She said that us being close turned out to be unhealthy for both of us, because we weren't putting ourselves out there to meet new people. I told her that she was the only person who I wanted to hang out with, and she meant more to me that she could ever imagine. She said she wanted some space and time to herself, and that we couldn't go back to being that close, without some time passing by. She also said she thought about the idea of us being together but she shot down the idea. We agreed to be casual friends and see what happens from there. I once again was hurt by this decision, but knew there was nothing I could do about it. I wrote her another email today stating that I may not be that confident, but I know I'm a nice guy. I also said that I've been thinking about killing myself, and that she could probably find another friend like me. I don't know what to do now. I feel like I've ruined this friendship. She keeps denying the fact that I'm not good enough to be with her, even though I keep thinking otherwise. I thought about not talking to her for a long time, and hoping she will see a different side to this situation, even though I'm not counting on it. Maybe it's because I'm not confident in myself that she tries to avoid me and make up excuses so that we can't hang out. I remember us holding hands on random occasions. She makes me so happy, but once again I face rejection, this time from the love of my life. That's what really hurts the most. I feel so stupid, I just wish I had the courage to jump off a cliff and into a dark, freezing ocean. But I can't do it. I don't have much luck with women. I'm not that great in social situations. Last night I tried to talk to some women but they had 0 interest in me. It seems my life isn't getting any better. I feel so alone now, so lonely. I just want to die.