Not sure what to do

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ASkylitDrive, Mar 9, 2010.

  1. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    I feel liek I'm giving up all over again.
    Last night I was on the phone with my closest friend(On this forum)and my ex, and I swear it was the scariest thing I've heard. All the cussing and yelling and threats.
    What I hated the most was how my ex was talking like he knew me.
    "We still love each other. You still love and care about me. Just think about it"
    I've been thinking about it for weeks, and i'm completely terrified of him. He threatened to hunt me and my friend down. He started calling me a bitch and I didn't know what I want.
    All I could do was sit there. All I could think about was 'How can I not hurt him?"
    Do I not even care about myself now? Will I never be able to honestly make myself happy?

    I'm scared about alot of things. Strong guys, the dark, sleeping, hurting people.
    I feel like this person I am becoming is pushing everyone away. I don't talk with my closest friends like I use to. They are all silent around me or just say they have things to do.
    I'm feeling more angry than I use to. I would punch myself or things around me, not people. But what if I do?
    My worst fear of all is hurting people, and i feel like that is all I'm doing lately.
    My dreams about getting molested are coming back..it just adds up to my fears and troubles.
    I call people until 2 am in the morning, never wanting to close my eyes.
    Is this how my life is going to be forever? if so I just want to die.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If he is threatening you call the police so they are aware of the threats and have it documented. Send the cops after ex that way he will back the hell off.
     
  3. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    But that involves telling my dad. I already called the cops on him before when he pointed a gun to his head.
    He is 19, if I tell my dad I'm screwed.
    I've already had a bad day I don't want it to continue
    Like in latin class, I was asking my teacher when her birthday was because I wanted to buy her a centurian helmet as a funny joke and these guys in the back were like "That was a creepy thing, are you a registered sex offender?" they kept going and everyone heard them and didn't even bother to stand up for me.
    I dunno why I'm saying all this. I'm frazzled
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your dad should know he should take steps to protect you call cops again let them know what he is doing. You should not have to live like this.
     
  5. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    Idk my dad doesn't protect me. Just yells and fights with me
    To be honest I'm done..Fuck this all
    I can't take it anymore.
     
  6. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I have to agree with Violet hon..

    You do not have to live like this..Call the authorities and if you need someone to share the load, you know where we all are..
     
  7. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    Sweet I could, but he isn't th eonly problem.
    I keep getitng nightmares of when I got molested when I was little (Something I didn't even know actually happened until a while ago)
    I get bullied by school mates and my family.
    I can't keep going.
     
  8. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    are there any family members where you can go for support ? your mom maybe ? have you considered professionel help ?
     
  9. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Then seek help with regards to your flashbacks and dreams hon..Don't bottle it up or it has a habit of rotting away at your soul..I mean someone who has experience in this, not a friend but a professional..You cannot carry this weight alone..You would not expect it of others so why expect it of yourself..

    You are worthy of happiness hon..All too often I had to turn inwards to avoid hurting others..It doesn't work for long..
     
  10. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    I do have a therapist, but I've been skipping sessions.
    My trust issues are very controlling of what I do.
    Idk..I'm gunna call Kingwicked soon.
    Maybe he will convince me not to do something stupid
    Cuz to be honest i've just about given up on fighting.
    I just feel helpess and worthless..I can't help anyone or myself.
     
  11. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    You have and still are helping people hon..

    Call your friend but don't forget that there are people here who will listen.
     
  12. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    Name one person I've helped.
    I can't help anyone...if I was able to help people my friends wouldn't be so sad.