Not sure what to do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Borrowed time*, Aug 3, 2010.

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  1. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Im not sure if im asking this in the right section but here goes. I dont think im depressed but have always had thoughts of suicide. I have tried twice in the past when i was about 12 but i didnt fully go through with it and the only person who knows about this is my mother. However she wasnt supportive and told me i couldnt even do that right. When i was about 6 or 7 i had fits and nearly died i just keep thinking that that was my time and i cheated death. I have extreme mood swings so one minute i feel on top of the world and im planning on going back to university then the next minute i feel awful and sad for no reason and thats when i start planning my suicide again. I have no friends and have no partner, most of my family dont like me so i have no one to talk to about anything playing on my mind. I still live at home and cant see a time when i will be in my own place. The only thing that makes me happy is my pets especially my dog. What is really worrying me is that she is old and i know her time will come soon and that is when im planning on ending my life. I dont think i can live without her. The confusing thing is i also dont want to die. I dont want children but i have plans for my future. Its just that when im in a low mood i abandon all plans and give up. The reason i dont think it is primarily depression is that a lot of the symptoms i have also relate to having hypoglycemia. I dont sleep well and for the last 2 months i have been waking up suddenly for no reason at about 1 oclock, i have sugar crashes daily where i will shake and feel sick until i have a hard boiled sweet. I know you will prob say go to your doctor but i cant. I dont feel comfortable there, i no i wouldnt be able to open up and talk to any of them. Is there any way of being tested for this in the UK as i cant find any information on it in except if you are diabetic which im not. I have already been tested for it. I really dont no what to do. Im sorry to of rambled. Im grateful for any advise
    Thank you
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hi there,

    Welcome to the forum.

    I'm sorry things have been so hard. I can relate a lot to what you say about your pet. I feel the same about mine but then I remember that he was/is my friend and that he wouldn't want me to die just because he has. He spent so much time being my friend that he would want me to go on and live and honour his memory.

    Is there a particular reason that you feel uncomfortable at the doctors?

    I really think there is no other option than to go. You could, potentially, go to a drop in clinic or a walk in centre for tests on your blood level though, but really doctors can provide you with the treatment you need for both mental health and also your blood level issues.

    I hope that you can find some support here,

    Take care
  3. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    I find it very hard to talk to new people, forums are so much easier you cant be judged on who you are. Im just not comfortable there and never really got answers im happy with. They also seem to want to do blood tests without telling me what they are testing for or what they will be able to see. Plus i hate needles, i had apanic attack last time and the nurse had to calm me down. When i get the results all i ever get is everything is fine and thats from the receptionist. I have been to my doc before about my mood swings but i didnt tell him about my suicidal thoughts. He made me have a blood test which came back with the previous reply. I asked about going back and i was told it wasnt necessary. Im worried if i tell them everything they will just put me on tablets which i dont want, i want to find out why i feel this way and what is happening to me. There is no reason why im like this. Maybe my family is right and im just grumpy. I dont no what to do because like i said i dont think im depressed. I ust dont want to be here at times.
  4. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Glad you found your way to us, I was in similar situation. I was depressed with no one to share my feelings with. I tried talking to my girlfriend, but i was too ashamed and failed to bring my point across.
    This forum was my saving grace, as there is no point in hiding things from people here.

    I finally lost the Love of my life due to the depression, but you lose some you gain some. And I gained threefold.
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi sunny. It sounds to me like you have insulin resistence. It's not quite diabetes, but your body doesn't process your sugar well. I think you still need to see a doctor to be sure though. :hug:
  6. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    I hope so its just when i feel this way i cant see a future, im fat and feel ugly and because of that iv never even tried getting a boyfriend. I cant see it happening.The couple of times i have had interest iv ran a mile. In my mind FAT+INSECURE= EASY LAY. I dont want to be the type who sleeps around just to feel attractive.Id rather be alone.
    It does feel better to get it off my chest and have people to talk to.
    Thank you
    Yes i think there is def something else wrong. Maybe i am depressed but i think that its a symptom of something else.
    Im going to try to register at a different doctor today, ill write down all my symptoms or ill forget what i wanted to say and not get a proper diagnosis. Just got to find the courage to actually go to the appointment. Im tired of being like this and ultimately i dont no if i would go through with it or not.
    Thank you all for the advise and kind words ill let you all no how it goes.
  7. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Well i couldnt go through with it and talking to my current doc is not an option. Just the thought is making me shakey and feeling sick. Im just going to have to live with it for however long. Im sitting on my bed watching my dog sleep and keep picturing what its going to be like living without her. Im close to tears but i also feel really numb. Iv come to the decision that when her time comes it will also be mine. I cant do this any more. I cant live with out her. I no im being selfish but she is my only friend, i can talk to her without being judged or ridiculed. I dont even know why im writing this. That is how confusing my life is at the minute. I suppose its just to get it off my chest. I may feel a bit better next week and decide not to but oh well, i dont care any more. Thank you to any one who replied to my thread i wont be bothering any one again.
    :i'm sorry:
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi sunny. Please don't give up hun. I know that you love your dog very much, but when she passes away, you can always get a new dog. Please don't give up hun. :hug:
  9. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    You have a crisis of low self-esteem due to lack of accomplishing goals. That's what I think. Suicide is your outlet, your gateway, your escape from all of the failure you feel. It's the place you go when you get doubts about yourself, when you confront the reality of your situation and when you comprehend university and how much work that will be.

    You probably don't trust yourself. I think you're already well on your way to hating yourself into non-existence. I've been hating myself for a while, but I'm not at the stage where I want to die. I have too many escapes. Places I go for comfort. I just wish, have always wished, that I was ambitious like other people and actually cared about living a good life.

    I guess I don't care. God never gave me the ability to see my future so that I can understand that goals are realistic and attainable. People I really can't be blaming god for this. I don't even believe in god. I made a string of bad choices.

    Only person to blame is you. I can only blame me. Hating oneself is non-productive. It's a self-fulfilling legacy of defamation.

    I told darksider the same thing in another thread. Too many people here are hating themselves and giving up. I'm one of em.

    Turning to an escape is not any different than turning to suicide. They're both experienced as relief from a perceived threat. Suicide is just one step further. I think people get to that point when they feel other escapes aren't good enough.

    You're not the monster. The monster is outside. You've been in your room hiding from it for a long long time, fearing it.

    Let me say that we're drowning in our failures. Losing our skills as time passes us by. Losing our abilities. Losing faith in ourselves.

    It's self-fulfilling, a legacy of hate. Maybe it started with other people, or a big sequence of events in our lives, but it ends with us.

    I'd also like to say that monsters are fiercer, much more sinister, when we don't confront them. They grow. Monstrous.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 5, 2010
  10. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Well that was scary, im feeling much better now. I cant belive what i wrote and what i was going to do. I look back at what i said when i first came on here and i think was that really me? Its like some one else wrote it. Just the thought of what i was going to do terrifies me but i have no doubt if my dog had passed away whilst i felt like that i would of gone through with it. Im still not sure what to do as i feel like im mourning my pet and she is still here, but i think i can deal with it better now. What ever is happening to me i hope its not as bad next time, iv never planned what im going to do before. The first two times i did what i did on impulse.
    Thank you all for your kind words and support
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