Lots of people know, I've tryed to commit suicide a bunch of times. I just recently started realizing what would have the highest success at doing the trick. I feel mentally retarded from all the drugs I've done. I feel slow and my memory is terrible. Maybe I just need to stop doing drugs for good... I havn't done E or drank since january and my last line of coke was last weekend. I'm on abilify now at 5mg going up to 10 in april. Memories that bother me keep flashing before my eyes triggered at random almost like I'm hallucinating, It's so many things that bother me I don't even know what gets to me the most.
My father died back in November or 07 and I'm in between hating his ass for telling my friend that I wet the bed when I was little and god knows what else while I was having a bad acid trip barley able to concentrate off in my own world. My dad use to spank me when I was little like most people I bet only he did it really hard to me and barely taped my sister and half the time I wouldn't even know or remember the lesson just the anger I felt coming off my dad. It hurt my feelings more then anything that my dad could so such emotion towards me. I started getting along with him before he died I think, he was always working. But things that happened to ya as your growing up are often there for life.
It doesn't feel like I have any support at all.. It feels like I'm all alone. I got a few friends but we're always working and when I see them we're usually getting fucked up or somthing. It doesn't feel like I connect with anyone anymore.
I tryed to see a doctor about it and get him to refer me to a free psychiatrist but instead he prescribed me abilify to try in January starting at 2mg and increased to 5mg now going up to 10mg in April. I'm not very good at talking about my problems anyway. Last time I tryed to see a psychiatrist he said getting answers from me was like pulling teeth. My mind just goes blank..
