Not Sure What To Put

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by enterusername, Dec 22, 2013.

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  1. enterusername

    enterusername New Member

    I have just put the Kind of Blue album by Miles Davis on. It's on youtube and of course an advert started. Adverts everywhere. I am 20 years old and I already feel tired of this consumerist culture that has bred me and everyone of my generation. I don't know as much in other places, but here youth culture appears to be ruled by bad taste, festishism and objectification of the opposite sex, money, disrespect, obsession of mobile phones...I'm sure you can fill in the gaps. Actually, there is so much wrong with the world. There always has been. But anyone would assume that in a world with access to knowledge that there would be less of this wrong. Palestine for example (I went there this summer) suffering occupation from Israel and you hear none of the terrible things that happen there in the media. Actually, the media bans too much mention of it (I'm looking at you BBC). I would really like to write more on that subject, about the children who are tortured and imprisoned at a young age for throwing a rock at a soldier, the destruction of Palestinian homes to make way for settlers... but I'm here for another reason.

    I'm sorry. I know this feels like a terribly whining rant but I just really wanted to write my thoughts. In some stupid way, it would be nice if someone would read this and consider these words. Even if you mocked me for this, it would be better than to be ignored.

    When I was 14 (perhaps up to 16) I always considered taking my life. But I always thought it as a stage of adolescence. I'm really confused to why I have the same feelings now. Throughout my life I have always been on the outside, never quite being able to communicate or feel as if I could fit in. Is it my fault? Is it the fault of others? Statistically it must be me. I catch myself doing something awkward or hateful everyday. Sometimes I wish I could be invisible. When no one appears to take notice of me, I wish I would receive some form of recognition from them.

    I wish that when I take a photograph, time (like in an exposure) would stand still forever and I could wander the world observing and going where I like and exploring.

    Last year was perhaps the one year of my life where I thought I could perhaps find some form of place. It was my first year of university. I met friends who were from other cultures (I don't seem to connect with fellow brits) and took more drugs and experienced the night life of the city and even grew in confidence. It still felt as if I were on the outside, but at least I was having some fun.

    This year, it feels as though I have gone back many steps. My life isn't where I thought it would be: boyfriend (I've never had one), part-time job, network of friends, more confidence (that's a funny word), a grasp on my future. I try hard in my university degree - I'm a fine art photography student by the way. Still, I haven't the talent to succeed. Besides, what room is there for art nowadays?

    There I go again, blaming something else when logic states that I am the problem.

    I don't want to jump off a cliff. I just wish I knew how to be happy.

    Thank you for reading this whoever you are.
  2. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    first off all, don't blame yourself. I do that all the time and it isn't really helping. :)
    So, I understand that you think that the world is a bad place, but there is also good. Everything, everyone carries darkness and light. If we won't fight for the good things, what is left fighting for?
    And hey, stop apologizing! For what? You can write here, no one would say something against it :)
    Did you talked with someone about that you feeling suicidal?
    I can assure you, most of us don;t feel like we belong here, but we do, we just don't realize it.
    Do things that make you happy. You're good at phtography? Than do this if it makes you happy :)
    Thank you for writing here, darling :hug:
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. First, love your choice of music. Miles, Kind of blue. I have listened to the CD often.

    I cannot disagree with your assessment of all that is wrong with the world. But I want to suggest something. It is more important than you may know, to find the good. And I will tell you why. I believe things are changing. And young people such as yourself are going to bring us to the place of change. But it is important for you to not burn out on feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. If you know what I mean. When we focus on the stuff that is going on that is good it can help. The way I explain it to people is that when we drive a car and look to the left or the right this is where we tend to drive. It is important then to try to find some things that are good or inspiring to put focus on. You know all too well about the injustices etc. You know all too well about the imbalances. Yes indeed. There are movements and people doing some good work to change things. I hope you can make contact with them, even if it is online. Because we need people like you in the world who long for things to get better. Things are very broken. But I believe deep in my heart that huge change will come in your lifetime. You are awake to the imbalances. Painful as this is. It is very important to be awake. Without that, then the enormous change we need would not be possible. I hope my words help.
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