not sure whats actually going on....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mitty, Feb 8, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. mitty

    mitty Member

    hey all, first time poster, and this is the first time i will have openly shared whats going on in my life and my head..


    ok, so it all started about 2 years ago... i started to suffer from a medical condition wich caused me to go dizzy and black out... i was working as an EMT at the time for a private medical company... this condition made me unfit for work...

    throughout the past 2 years doctors have put me through every test you can think of, with no positive results...

    not being able to work is mind numbing enough... especially as im generally not allowed to go anywhere on my own just in case... it seems i have been stripped of my independence.. along with the mind numbing boredom of not working comes the lack of money, sick pay is not enough to live on... wich has resulted in me getting into debt, losing friends through not being able to afford to go out with them, aswell as not physically being able to go out with them... dont get me wrong, they are still there to message if i fancy a chat... or at least they were until my mobile phone contract got cut off as i was unable to pay...

    more recently (past 6 months or so) i seem to have slipped into some sort of rut... i can barely motivate myself to get out of bed each morning... some days i dont eve bother to get dressed, just stay in dressing gown all day.. and on several occasions over the last 6 months i have had some sickening thoughts.... thoughts of killing myself.

    as i sit here now... i dont feel like i would go through with it... but have been thinking about how/where i would do it if i did, even down to a specific time of day, because i know certain people would be in certain places at that time and unable to obstruct me in any way...

    i think i just need to release all this pressure thats building up inside me.. hence why i joined this forum..

    on one hand i know that there are people who care about me, and thats i will hurt alot of people if i did kill myself... but on the other hand, i feel completely useless, like my mere existence is pointless and that everyone would be better off if i wasnt around...

    thanks for listening, i found this very hard to type... and i have read it 3 times over... and it makes very little sense to me so i apologize, but its very difficult to explain everything thats going on and exactly how i feel....
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi mitty sorry you are not well. Hope that some professional can find out the reasons for these black outs You would think some specialist could help you
    Hard not being able to work but is there a place where you can volunteer where you would be around people if something happened just something to get you up and o ut of the house Therapy could help hun just to have someone to talk to about the losses you have had to deal with job dream etc. I am glad you are reaching out here sometimes just writing down ones thoughts helps
     
  3. mitty

    mitty Member

    thankyou for the response ...

    i have been through CBT before... as i started to get very angry at everyone and ended up losing my temper alot... but that didnt seem to help and now im no longer angry... as its change to other feelings.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.