Not sure what's supposed to come next.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by freija, Jan 5, 2014.

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  1. freija

    freija New Member

    I'm just going to say that the content of this probably comes with the territory, but I really don't want to trigger anyone, so... just be careful, if you're reading this? I'm just going to speak as I think, because I have nowhere else to do that.

    I posted here a bit before Christmas, on the crisis page, because I'd been saving up my usual medication for a while and finally had, let's say a significant amount (though not enough, or not the right kind as it later turned out). I honestly still think I wasn't planning to kill myself, but I was carrying the tablets around with me and I couldn't stop thinking about it. The same night, after posting, I rang the Samaritans and had a long talk with someone lovely, I don't remember what I actually said, but I cried a lot. Then, without really thinking about it, without intending to, I just took about six weeks' worth of my antidepressants (it was all I had). I didn't really realise what I was doing, and when I did I couldn't stop, it was like blanking out.

    Afterwards I told my flatmate and let myself be taken to hospital, because I felt stupid for doing it and because I couldn't let him just wake up to find me the next morning. I'm supposed to be getting more help now, more support, a diagnosis for whatever borderline personality/c-ptsd thing they think is going on. I'm on different medication which is helping me sleep more (though I still can't deal with the dreams). Maybe it would all have helped, six months ago, a year ago? Even three weeks ago. But now, I can't make any of it matter.

    Before that night, I still basically wanted to live, I think, or if nothing else, I was definitely very afraid of dying. My suicidal thoughts always came with an after; I had a voice pushing me into it, but I could still never actually envision not surviving an attempt. Now, though, for the first time in years of suicidal thinking, I'm finding myself actually wanting to die. In my own voice. Not just feeling miserable or blank or generally useless, but wanting to not be here. I've had a lot of bad nights since getting out of hospital when I have absolutely felt, through and through, that I just want to go now. The urge to do it, deliberately this time, has been completely consuming and the only reason I haven't gone ahead is that a) I've had nothing to do it with and b) I'm utterly beholden to everyone around me to keep going. I'm honestly kind of drowning in how much my father and grandfather want me and need me right now, and how responsible I am for them (I'm really, really not meaning to sound arrogant, I'm sorry - it's just that I'm my dad's only child, my mum's not around now, and he has no home or job atm - while at the same time, I'm always being told I'm the daughter my granddad always wanted and never had, too, and he's especially vulnerable right now - he's 92 and just had his second heart attack in eight months). I know that if I did anything it would finish them. So I'm just existing, in a hateful, empty, hopeless, helpless way and when it gets bad I binge, sometimes purge, and si when it gets so much I want to crouch in a corner screaming. I'm planning to save up my current medication, working out how long I have to wait, and I can't stop and I'm not even sure that I want to, I've only got an increasingly distant sense that I should (- stop or want to stop, I don't know which). I'm holding it at bay by distracting myself with stupid things that only make me feel more shitty in the end, when I have to stop and look at the bigger picture, the future, and realise that I can't see anything and I honestly don't want to. Besides, my attempted 'distraction' seems to involve spending much more money than I should be, and that only makes it worse, too, when even spending money on groceries or heating makes me feel I'm doing something wrong, by not saving everything for a future that isn't there, one that just makes me feel sick.

    The problem was that when I actually stopped thinking, about living or dying or being afraid or about anyone else, it turns out it was so much easier to do it than I'd thought it would be. And it was easy afterwards, too, because I was in bed already and I know that I could have just carried on not thinking, gone to sleep where I was - and, if I'd taken enough (and maybe I actually had? My heart took some stabilising as it was), I'd have been done. I chose to start thinking again that night - because someone will always have to find the worthless lump I leave behind - and the guilt got in, but I think I could try again now and it wouldn't, this time; I could block it out and I'd go through with it.

    I just don't know. It's gone from being as bad as it gets, to being worse afterwards, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do now at all. Just - any thoughts from anyone who has been here, or is here... I think I'd really like to hear them, if you're willing/able to?

  2. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member


    i no longer care about the day to day mundane thing we call life. i too, am holding on just because of the people who love me i have a loving family [well not all of them, but a few] and a couple of friends who have voiced their opinion on what my death would do to them.

    so, i'm stuck. i sleep all day, watch movies all night. until my bloody head aches. i take sleeping pills to sleep. wake up, take another, sleep sometimes 48 hours at a stretch. my body aches. i don't feel sorry for myself. i don't hate anybody. i just don't want to be here any more. like i've done enough in this life. none of it interests me any more.

    so maybe i'm not the best responder to your post. because i don't know what the hell to do at this point. for now...the only thing i'm doing is trying to be of service on this site. trying to respond to those suffering like i am. and not blow smoke up anybody's a** or say the cliche, it can only get better from here. because sometimes it doesn't.

    but i will offer you this. go to the unanswered threads button. see who's posted and not been responded to. and then respond to them. it's not much to offer, i know, but it may mean a world of difference to the person who posted. it's all i have right now...well, that and clive owen and christian bale movies.

    you can private message me any time. i am thinking of you and just know you're not alone in your feelings.

  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Freija, I tried to kill myself the last time and it was just out of compulsions and impulsiveness. I did not think I would really kill myself, but just be unconscious for a few days, then go to a psych hospital, and then return home and continue in my Master's Degree program online. I was on a new medicine, Cymbalta, and I had a bad reaction to it that literally almost took my life. Really, I did NOT want to die. However, the worst case scenario happened (I can't say it here), but I survived it, somehow. Yes, it may be easy to ACT on it, but the AFTERMATH is the most painful and regretful. I now know how my family was so distressed about me, how I worried my neighbors sick, and now everybody is fearful of me and walk on eggshells when they talk to me. Then, my memories haunt me day by day and I just beat myself up for WHY did I ever did it? The consequences of surviving such a traumatic event is so painful. I keep telling myself that I will NEVER do it again, although I have my moments, better days than others. It's important to establish a support system somehow someway so you can process the reasons why you tried it, and how to cope in the future if you're thinking about it again. This is a good place to vent and get some support, but professional advice is the best. I hope you consider getting help and PLEASE don't do it again.
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