Not sure what's up with me.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by aep_93, Feb 26, 2014.

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  1. aep_93

    aep_93 New Member

    I'll try to keep it short.

    I have an unending amount of self-pity that I can't control. When I talk about this to my trusted friends, the general response is that so many people have it a lot worse than I do. I understand that. I get it. I've wrapped my head around that so tightly it genuinely pisses me off when it's reintroduced to me.
    A few details:
    I come from a place where most of my classmates in high school found their way into the colleges of their choice. Mostly large universities, some specialized schools. Whoever's left finds a place at a community college nearby.
    I'm nearly 21 years old, male.
    I split school with work and a commute.

    I had aspirations to come to a local university on the scholarship they offered, then transfer to my choice school, blah blah blah. It doesn't matter now. I'm here, sunken in by a low GPA that was fostered through an overwhelming amount of apathy. I watch the people I grew up with do well in other places, and that's fine. I'm happy for them, although I am envious of where they go to school. I've since made new friends here, and have had plenty of good times. I'm consistently pressured by my parents to hold onto my scholarship, because "should I lose it I would have to quit school, work to pay, etc." It's almost like they're using it as a scare tactic that I'm completely numb to now. My parents only tell me in an abrasive way how hard they had it through college, which is probably where I found a hatred for hearing about the less fortunate in my times of need of guidance. I don't disregard it, but it does up my anxiety.

    I'd like to point out that I was a lively, likable, adventurous and fun-loving person before I came to school here and started all of this. The type that works a room at a party, knowing all kinds of people you'd never expect me to. Since being here I've had several panic attacks and countless feelings of having zero worth. I'm not quite myself anymore.

    One of the biggest issues in my head right now is that I feel like I'm already a full-grown adult and that I'm going back for school, but I'm not. I feel like my friends, past and present, are passing me by. I'm worried that I won't be able to graduate and that I won't be able to fulfill any of my deep-set aspirations. I wish I knew of ways to make decent enough money without a degree. I know I'd succeed there, because I could devote the time I'm wasting at school on a career I give a shit about. One of my close friends shares a lot of these feelings. He and I sometimes distastefully joke about how the only ways we can sustain life without a degree are through the military or through oil/gas drilling roughnecking jobs.

    I have considered going through the military so they could help pay for school, but I'd only go in as an officer and I hear that requires a degree.

    I posted this here because I get that strange feeling inside sometimes. Like going away will end all the stress and everything else will sort itself out. What I feel is keeping me here is my loved ones. I couldn't fathom hurting the people who care about me by shutting down. I'm not sure what I'm really asking. If you can provide some advice about surviving a hectic college schedule, apathy, parental miscommunication or anything else you picked up from this post your input will be greatly appreciated.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Are you able to use the councilors at the college to help you with your struggles they can get you all the supports you need extra tutoring etc use the supports at the college to help lesson your stress ok
  3. Kabukicho

    Kabukicho Member

    I feel you. I am 26, so first of all, let me say that 21 is nowhere near "adult"--especially in today's crazy world of college, grad school, internships, and endless adolescence. So you've got plenty of time to figure things out.

    When you're 21, you want everything NOW. Your life situation isn't so great? Fix it NOW, you tell yourself. You're jealous of your friends? Fix it NOW. But life doesn't work like that. Life plays out at a much slower pace. A pace that humans aren't often particularly happy about, especially during times of hardship. So, accept that you're in a rotten place now. Don't deny that fact. But also know that this too shall pass. Everything passes. You can change, reinvent yourself. Look at the long-game.

    You're under a lot of pressures that are endemic in the modern world. It's INSANE how much pressure Western nations put on their youth. Try to take some positive steps toward reducing that pressure. You could, for example, work on searching for jobs that interest you. It never hurts to send out some applications. Or, internally, take some of the pressure off yourself by working on mindfulness (judging the world and yourself less / letting things be).

    Therapy might also be a good option.

    Anyway, I'm sorry that there are no quick fixes. Life is horrible. It's a horrible world and death, failure, sickness, and ruin are inevitable. But that doesn't mean there aren't moments of happiness and bliss and beauty, too. Hold onto those, work to get them back. Fight.
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