Haven't posted here in almost a year - situation is still the same - didn't see the use in posting the same things over and over again. Somebody bet me I'd be better by now - I think it was a counselor - boy was he wrong (he bet a session on it, I'm going to call it in right now). Life's so horrible it's become a humorous subject to me - kinda like that morbid sense of humor people have laughing at others misfortune - only I laugh at my own (hopefully that doesn't come off as psychotic). :sparkle: Found out my [estranged] dad isn't dead - the obit in the paper had his name and age - I have the cut out from the paper - turns out it was another person (he has a pretty common name) - good news right? Well, I wrote to the new address my mom found for him - he's not listed in the phone book anymore. Turns out he's actually still alive - but his leukemia got worse and now he has lymphoma - it's spread all over and he doesn't have very long to live he writes me. He wanted to hear from me sooner - like while he could have been cured by bone marrow transplant - before things metastasized. I am his only son. I feel pretty horrible - while he was suffering and dying I was out drinking my college scholarship away thinking he was dead and writhing in agony hovering right above suicide. (Even though we've been estranged he is closer to me than my other family members) During the lost [sic: last] year I got on SSDI (disability payments) for the depression - which suited me well considering I'm a hermit. I was allowed to leave college some time back due to the severity of my depression without being punished - very luckily (I was 'saved' a few times from the bitter end by police and medics). Lot's of abuse as a child and pretty long traumatic history. Diagnosis: Severe Depression w psychotic features + PTSD My sister became pregnant about 6 mo ago - she recently moved back here to my city - and about a week later moved in with me (unexpectedly) because her father (not my father) kicked her out. I can't turn away my family in a time of need. still have a shred of morality left in me. She's decided that I can take care of her child while she continues her social life and work - I've been volunteered without my approval - haven't heard her saying anything about taking care of her child on her own. I'm a sap - I'll do it cause I'm subservient and will obey the desires of people stronger willed than myself. She knows very little about my mental state right now - not that she's interested. Well, I got a bright idea - more like an old friend - a way out. I've been living hovering right above the point of death for quite some time - waiting until reaching the exit was forced upon me - told myself to keep chugging along each day because death wasn't necessary. Here I am nearing the point of no return. I have plenty of scars all over - a ton of hypertrophic scars along my wrists - not going to try cutting again - suture marks make it pretty obvious that I'm one depressed dude - makes it hard to get out of the house with eyes prying over my arms. Needless to say I have a method in my back pocket, something I tried long ago (which netted me one of my resuscitations) - pretty messy near death (wear depends for god sake - it's horribly smelly - speaking from experience). DNR's are not obeyed unless you're in a persistent vegetative state, as I've found out through experience. This past year I went from weighing 165 lbs (75kg) to 245 lbs (112kg) - didn't think seroquel added weight, but apparently I was wrong. Weight is a good thing for what I'm planning. Meds: 100mg Zoloft (sertraline), 60mg Remeron (mirtazapine), 800mg Seroquel (yes, that number is correct, the FDA limit) and 5mg prazosin for nightmares. Been on pretty much every other antidepressent, tricyclics, SSRIs, MAOI's, etc. Was offered ECT in the hospital last year - turned it down (although I did try to do it at home by myself :self-edited method: - I don't recommend it - probably cooked some internal organs). Insmonia has been a constant companion, I've been on klonipin, temazepam, xanax bars, chloral hydrate (2g's), ambein, lunesta, a bunch of anti-histamines, and self medicated heroin and fentanyl, methadone, morphine sulfate, and weed - nothing works surprisingly - I'd kill myself before falling asleep with those - though now I've lost the one contact I had from that nefarious world and don't plan to make another. I'm clean now- have been for a few months - quit alcohol about a year ago. Being clean just makes me feel like dying - been pretty rough - whoever says they are high on life better hope they don't OD. Spent 10% of my life in a mental ward (2.5 years total after adding it all up). Suicides not that far away. I will call the police right before so they can clean up the remains - hopefully they don't bring the paddles.