Not sure where to begin

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Stormy, Aug 24, 2016.

  1. Stormy

    Stormy Active Member


    It's quite hard to really know where to begin, So I guess I'll just try to be honest about my feelings and hope for the best.

    So many bad things are happening to me right now, I don't want to be here anymore.

    I've lost everything I ever lived for, my most precious reasons to go on, and it hurts so, so much.

    I can't see a way out of this mess, and heartache. I simply can't cope with this pain inside me every minute of every day.

    I've felt hopeless and that life isn't worth living for a while now, but in the past week I've become so fixated on death being my only solution that I should be scared- but I'm fact it's the only place I feel any calm anymore.
    It's the only thing I have left in my control, and it is seeming more and more appealing the worse things get.

    I don't know where to turn, my situation means I have nowhere to go without making things worse and I just don't know what to do anymore
  2. Anonymous <3

    Anonymous <3 Active Member

    You haven't lost all your precious reason to go on. You can make more.
    All the suffering you're going through, you can end them.
    As for heartache, I'd say move on. But don't listen to me on that one! I'm 15! Kinda inexperienced in that area.
    However, I get your pain. I live with it. That hopeless feeling? I get it.
    However, I can cope with it. So can you.
    I've found my methods to help me, we can find yours. That pain can disappear, if you'll let it.
    Death is by no means the only thing in your control. You have no idea what it's like to be near death. It's horrid. Gut-wrenching.
    Your life may currently be on a halt, but you can restart.
    You're so strong. Posting your emotions. Letting people know.
    You're seeking help from us. We can help you.
    Normally I don't like recommending this, but maybe you should seek therapy.
    I used to hate that idea but you have no idea how even 1 month worth of therapy did to me.
    I no longer spend each day wishing I'd disappear. My problem will never leave, but your's may.
    You have to will it to happen.
    We have so much faith in you.
    I hope you feel better soon :)
    Please keep posting. We'd love to hear from you <3
    P.s: WELCOME!!!
    AbbiJoy, ed1983 and cvb2377 like this.
  3. Stormy

    Stormy Active Member

    Thanks for the reply, you seem an amazingly strong person, and thank you for being so welcoming. I find it strange that anyone would want to be nice to me when I feel and say such awful things.

    I really have lost everything though, and I can't move on.
    I can't end any of this because none of my problems are in my control.
    The one agency that was meant to help, just abused me more and tore my life into pieces when it was already broken in pieces on the floor.
    My precious reasons for existing are my children and I have failed them so much, when I was trying to protect them, now they have been taken from me and used to abuse me further.

    Please Believe me when I say it is in no way in my control and I can't fix this in any way shape or form.
    Death in any shape or form would be a welcome end to living with this horrific pain, no matter how awful that death were to be.

    I am in therapy and have been for 5years now. My T is truly amazing but she knows there is nothing anyone can do to fight this, or stop this. She is disgusted at how an agency have reacted but she also knows they are too big to take on.
    I promised her yesterday that I wouldn't do anything and would make sure I see her next week, but I'm not sure I can. Each and every second feels like hours at the moment, 6days is a big thing when I feel like this!
    ed1983 likes this.
  4. Anonymous <3

    Anonymous <3 Active Member

    You can't have failed your children. You say that they are your precious reason. From a child, that is enough for any child to love their parents.
    I can't claim to understand what you're going through, nor can I understand your situation.
    But I can say: You're strong. You've been seeing a therapist for 5 years, it means you've already been fighting this for far longer than you need to.
    You haven't said any awful things, just things that everyone has felt at one point in their life.
    I believe you when you say you can't control it. I don't control my problems, I work around them.
    Instead of changing my parents, I find coping mechanisms that allow me to spend as much time as I can being happy.
    Your love for your children is more than you know. Coming from a child who never felt love from her parents, I'd do anything to get parents who give an ounce of care for me.
    You say your life is broken into pieces on the floor? You can pick them up. I don't know how. I don't know when. You do.
    Find a motivation that will keep you moving in life. Mine is the future and endless hours dreaming of the day I get to leave this house.
    Find yours. Grab on to it. It will steer your life in the right direction.
    Death may end the pain for you, but what of your children? The must love you. You have to know that. 6 days may seem like a long time, but you can do it. Hopelessness isn't a feeling that occurs when you have hope. We have faith in you. You have to find that faith in yourself.
    Stay Strong Stormy.
    ed1983 likes this.
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Even th emost difficult situations can be handled in time. In the case of children and child custody there are many things that you cannot control once the process starts but there are also many things you can. You cannot change the past and you cannot force them to make a decision favorably- but you can control your actions now and in the future to make the possibility better. More importantly is the very key fact children never stop being our children- even if somebody else is dealing with the day to day care and they never forget their real parents (even infants with no memories of real parents as soon as they are aware of other parents there is a strong inclination to be curious and want to know more). I can say this with certainty because I was a foster parent for many years - and foster parents can help children- but they cannot replace real parents in the children's minds and hearts.

    It is very natural for kids to be angry at parents - and that happens no matter what the situation- is just normal part of parent child relationship- but that doesn't mean they do not want to see you or make a relationship in the future. It really doesn't matter if you could never regain custody of your children- they will age out of the system and then be suddenly on their own with nobody - unless you are there still. For now you can only do your best and hope.

    In the long term- and with parents long term is 40 -60 years not that few years before a child is 18- my kids need help all the time now - even the 2 oldest that are married and live in another state suddenly have need for me or at least a supportive ear and offer of advice. Doing your best now and making sure that never wavers- that you intend to be there whenever that situation is resolved no matter how long is how you demonstrate to your children that you a real parent and love them. If it takes 2 years then it does. If it takes until they are 18 then it does- but be there and make sure they know that you will be there when the things you cannot control allow it. When they are 18 and leave the system they can either still have a parent that cares and is willing to help them when the agency announces they are "done- nothing more for you here" - and they will know you never gave up, or they can be alone and have nobody based on your decisions now. It is not easy to be patient - it is very hard to deal with long term- but that is why we are the parents and they are the children- so we can deal with the hard stuff so they do not have to, even when they do not show any appreciation or are angry. You can still have the last word with your children so long as you are around to have it.
    ed1983 likes this.
  6. Stormy

    Stormy Active Member

    Thank you, that makes a great deal of sense to me.
    I know my children love me, and they are the reason I am clinging on in this awful situation. I feel so guilty for feeling like this when I should be being strong for them. But the pain is outweighing the happy times at the moment. And that scares me.

    I am disbelieved about the serious abuse my ex put us through and children services are hanging off his every word, even though they have clearly seen he is a liar from his assessments.
    I had been away from him and keeping the children safe for years when he turned up and attacked me out of the blue. I didn't call the police immediately, I was too scared due to the threats he made to kill me if I told anyone.

    Children services are now saying I have made up the whole 10 years of abuse, despite the evidence from police etc. They are going to tell the children I have put it all in their heads.
    I'm devastated because I know with my whole heart that is not true!!
    I have spent so many years making fun happy memories with them- to replace the awful ones, it worked, maybe too well, as my daughter can't recall the disclosure she made when she was 3. In one way I'm thrilled that she doesn't remember. Word can't describe how it felt to hear that my baby girl had been violated whilst I hadn't realised a thing. He was so harsh on my boy I protected him more as she was his favourite. Unfortunately at 3 she wasn't a reliable witness and a case couldn't be made.
    She doesn't remember much now, she knows she was hurt by him but says no more, which adds fuel to CS thinking it's not true, but in reality it's meant to be a good thing, all the energy, time and love I put in worked!! How can that be used against me.

    I know that as soon as they can, they will come home to me, I have no doubt about that, I just don't know if I have the resources within me, to keep going through all the storms. I'm someone that is bothered by what people think, and until now, CS have done nothing but praise my parenting. How did I become a low life abusive mum in their eyes.
    My ex has finally done what he said he would and make sure I lose everything. It feels like such a battle, I literally want to run and hide.
    I can't bare all of the moments I am missing. And so many people think they are better off without me, maybe they are right.
    ed1983 likes this.
  7. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to the forum
  8. Stormy

    Stormy Active Member

    Thank you. I've found everyone to be very supportive and understanding and it's great not having to filter what I write or think!
    AbbiJoy likes this.
  9. Anonymous <3

    Anonymous <3 Active Member

    You've been through so much.
    Feel better
  10. Stormy

    Stormy Active Member

    I just wish I was strong enough to cope with the life I have.
    Thank you and hugs back.
    I wanted to say that I can see you are a really nice person, and I'm sorry you feel your parents don't care. I'd be very proud if my daughter is as wise and caring as you when she is your age. Keep on doing what you are doing. X
  11. Anonymous <3

    Anonymous <3 Active Member

    Thank you for saying that.
    I guess I probably wouldn't be this wise if my parents never did what they did.
    We all go through problems. Work past them

    Stormy likes this.