Well, lets just say I've set it all up and am ready to go. For one reason or another however, I have found myself here asking people I don't know what the hell I should do. This has been a long time coming and now it seems like it is a necessity. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I don't even know if these meds . I've stopped taking them in an effort to hold on to the xxxx. The quantity is not enough to OD, but hopefully,xxxx I don't know what I am asking, or what I am doing here. Simple fact is I've got nobody I can I tried to tell my mother about whats going on but her response was to get pissed off and tell me not to talk about stuff like that in her house ever again. So I didn't. I tried talking, and it didn't work, so clearly the time for talking is over. While I love her all I can think right now is 'fuck you bitch'. If its too much of an effort to help keep me alive, if its too much trouble for you to do something than fuck you. I've also tried my sister. I told her thats it, I'm done and I'm taking off to the next world. She acted concerned and refused to leave my side. I then told her to forget it, everything was fine and she left and I haven't heard from her since [its been nearly two months since then]. My mother and sister have had me hospitalized over this three times, I've been on everyting from anti-depressants to anti-psychotics. No results from ANYTHING. I have no clue what any of these overpriced pills do. Six months of 'trial and error' and I'm sick of it. Like I said, my mother just gets a bitchy attitude if I say anything negative and generally says something like 'thats it, I've had enough, you're not going to talk like that in my house anymore'. So fuck them. If my sister is where I was I would drag her somewhere and have her looked at. I would do something immediately. I would take action. These people just bitch because my feelings are too much of an inconvenience for them. God forbid their lives have some sort of difficulty in it. The best part is if I do shut up they immediately act as if everything is okay and go about business like usual. No harm no fowl. The best part is, the only reason I ever avoided killing myself was because I thought it would be hard on them. Now I see they couldn't care less. Hell, a few days ago I was supposed to go to the doctor and I told my mother I was done with the doctor, done with the meds, done with all of it and my mothers response was simply to confirm that she didn't have to bother taking me to the doc and she went about her day. I spent the next two days lying in bed and she didn't say a word to me. So what the fuck does she care. XXXX I figure at worst I stay up for a couple of days to add to the effect so when I do go to bed, xxxxx. I'll leave an ugly corpse thats for sure. I've heard of kids who like to cut themselves, and personally I'd like to slap them all. I have had a problem with this for over ten years and I'm not talking about small cuts, I'm talking about large gaping gashes. And I have several open wounds right now, to coincide with the nearly fifty large scars I have all over my body. My whole left arm is still healing from about 15 third degree burns. Its taken months and they're still not healed. Doesn't help when you pick ever scab you get. Cool thing is one of my burns is on a vein, and twice now I have picked the scab and opened the vein xxxx out of my arm. Both times I stopped the bleeding, and I don't know why. I should have let it flow. XXXX? Just seemed like the thing to do. Well, whatever. This is now go on way too long. I guess I'm out. I'm gonna take one final day at least to have a last indulgence [gonna get some food I desire] and then fuck it. That is if it doesn't all go donw tonight. Fuck. I knew I wouldn't make it to see 25 but still, it seems like it crept up on me. 24 years in and the end comes in a few days? Damn. Well, what are you gonna do, such is life.