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Not sure where to go

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SomeEverydayNobody, Nov 29, 2010.

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  1. Well, lets just say I've set it all up and am ready to go. For one reason or another however, I have found myself here asking people I don't know what the hell I should do.

    This has been a long time coming and now it seems like it is a necessity.

    I don't even know if these meds . I've stopped taking them in an effort to hold on to the xxxx. The quantity is not enough to OD, but hopefully,xxxx

    I don't know what I am asking, or what I am doing here. Simple fact is I've got nobody I can I tried to tell my mother about whats going on but her response was to get pissed off and tell me not to talk about stuff like that in her house ever again. So I didn't. I tried talking, and it didn't work, so clearly the time for talking is over. While I love her all I can think right now is 'fuck you bitch'. If its too much of an effort to help keep me alive, if its too much trouble for you to do something than fuck you.

    I've also tried my sister. I told her thats it, I'm done and I'm taking off to the next world. She acted concerned and refused to leave my side. I then told her to forget it, everything was fine and she left and I haven't heard from her since [its been nearly two months since then]. My mother and sister have had me hospitalized over this three times, I've been on everyting from anti-depressants to anti-psychotics. No results from ANYTHING. I have no clue what any of these overpriced pills do. Six months of 'trial and error' and I'm sick of it. Like I said, my mother just gets a bitchy attitude if I say anything negative and generally says something like 'thats it, I've had enough, you're not going to talk like that in my house anymore'.

    So fuck them.

    If my sister is where I was I would drag her somewhere and have her looked at. I would do something immediately. I would take action. These people just bitch because my feelings are too much of an inconvenience for them. God forbid their lives have some sort of difficulty in it. The best part is if I do shut up they immediately act as if everything is okay and go about business like usual. No harm no fowl.

    The best part is, the only reason I ever avoided killing myself was because I thought it would be hard on them. Now I see they couldn't care less. Hell, a few days ago I was supposed to go to the doctor and I told my mother I was done with the doctor, done with the meds, done with all of it and my mothers response was simply to confirm that she didn't have to bother taking me to the doc and she went about her day. I spent the next two days lying in bed and she didn't say a word to me. So what the fuck does she care.


    I figure at worst I stay up for a couple of days to add to the effect so when I do go to bed, xxxxx.

    I'll leave an ugly corpse thats for sure. I've heard of kids who like to cut themselves, and personally I'd like to slap them all. I have had a problem with this for over ten years and I'm not talking about small cuts, I'm talking about large gaping gashes. And I have several open wounds right now, to coincide with the nearly fifty large scars I have all over my body. My whole left arm is still healing from about 15 third degree burns. Its taken months and they're still not healed. Doesn't help when you pick ever scab you get. Cool thing is one of my burns is on a vein, and twice now I have picked the scab and opened the vein xxxx out of my arm. Both times I stopped the bleeding, and I don't know why. I should have let it flow. XXXX? Just seemed like the thing to do.

    Well, whatever. This is now go on way too long.

    I guess I'm out.

    I'm gonna take one final day at least to have a last indulgence [gonna get some food I desire] and then fuck it. That is if it doesn't all go donw tonight.

    Fuck. I knew I wouldn't make it to see 25 but still, it seems like it crept up on me. 24 years in and the end comes in a few days? Damn. Well, what are you gonna do, such is life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 29, 2010
  2. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    hi there, do you want to talk about whats making you feel this way ?
  3. Its been a long time coming. I've wanted this for a while and now my life is falling apart.

    I am 24, and after playing guinea pig for psychiatrists and their medication, as it happens, I walked into the streets with a lxxxx. Got arrested. Went to jail. Now I am facing the possibility of years in prison. Family doesn't give a shit, lawyer doesn't give a shit. Nobody seems to care that I have been doing nothing but working since I was 16. Never hurt a sole, never committed a crime or anything. Now I've been labeled a criminal and will face such persecution.

    Nobody realizes that I am not the person that a list of charges lays me out to be. I had goals. I had an apprenticeship all set up for early 2011, had my money for school and a car so I could get moving on the right track, and in September I end up in a standoff with the police with an apparently xxsx. Now I'm lost. I can barely remember the incident so I can't even defend myself. Best is, they have witnesses and everything. I've got nothing. Doctors won't even help me. They won't admit to putting me on a dangerous combination of meds, they won't admit that I was a well rounded non-violent person before they doped me up, they won't do shit because in the end it's their ass vs. mine.

    I'm not a criminal. Im not a bad person. I dont deserve to go to prison. I spent weeks in jail with drug addicts, arsonists and a guy who killed three people. All of these men repeat offenders. The drug addicts go free in a couple weeks despite having tens of convictions under their belt. The arsonists get as shitty deal, but still, despite being repeat offenders what they're looking at doesn't compare to what I am. The guy who murdered three people was released because he was bipolar. While Im not one for prosecuting the mentally ill I still have to ask myself what the hell thats about. Three lives and the man goes free because he failed to take his meds. Fantastic.

    Meanwhile Ill be in prison until Im 30 at least with no life to look forward to. And I didn't hurt a sole. And I never would. All I've done in my life is help people in fact. I've given away thousands of dollars to people who needed it, I've opened my home to people who have lost theirs. Hell, I once had to put up $5000 to get a friend out of jail, and I got his ass out and now hes doing awesome. Set up to go to school and everything.

    And here I am, an accused criminal with no defense and years of prison time to look forward to. Why? Because I agreed to take all kinds of drugs I should have been smart enough not to take? Fuck. Why did I take these pills. When the doc said the combination may have drastic side effects, when he said if I became delusional or had a drastic mood change that I should go to the hospital ASAP I should have known something was up. But I was stupid. I wanted to be happy so I went along. Now Im a criminal.

    I got nothing to look forward to.

    My life is already over.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 29, 2010
  4. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    im so sorry that these things have happened to you. its hard when people turn there back on you, but you know what would be really great... if you could work really hard to turn this around and say fuck you to the ones that turned you away. i know this must seem an impossible task right now but you must try, your life is worthwhile to someone. i want you to get through this and maybe we can help each other. you sound like a nice person and you need to prove to them you are worth the fight.
  5. Oh, and I got two spend my first week in jail in the hole due to the scars all over my body. When I had to strip down for my search the guard was disgusted. He proceeded to call over other guards so they could all stare at me [Im talking five grown men staring at me while Im naked] and ask me questions like 'whats wrong with you' and 'why the hell do people like you do shit like that'.

    The hole. An 8x10 room with a steel bed [no mattress] and a toilet. A light on 24/7 and no contact with anyone. Meals would come three times a day when they opened the small feeding hole in the solid steel door. Other than that, just me and myself for a week. All because they thought I was crazy and a potential risk to other inmates. Me, a potential risk to a bunch of gang bangers and drug dealers because I have a bunch of self inflicted wounds.
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i don't know if you are still on any meds but check out the icarus project for info on coming off psychiatric meds. they are a great bunch of people and it's a great site overall. you will find many horror stories there, too. terrible side effects from being on psych meds. please check it out. http://theicarusproject.net/
  7. takencontrol

    takencontrol Well-Known Member

    it must have been very hard for you to go through that.
  8. The worst part is thats all the prison system has to offer. They felt I was mentally ill so thats what they did to me.

    A lady guard [the only good person I came across while in there, she actually snuck me a muffin one day in the middle of the night] told me they have had all kinds of people come in there with problems and thats what they do with them. Put them in the hole to protect the 'sane' criminals. She said prior to me being in that particular hole there was an autistic man in there. What the hell is wrong with these people? What will they do to me if I go to prison?
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This is just horrible...please get angry and defend yourself...get an attorney and see this through...also, continue to share with us what is going on...we will not ignore nor dismiss you...many of us knows how that feels when we try to tell ppl our worst secrets (tried to tell my mother I was suicidal, and she said she did not like me since I was a teenager...nice!)...J
  10. Oh believe me, I am angry and want to defend myself. As for a lawyer, I've got one who won't return my calls. Unfortunately I can't afford a lawyer so I am dealing with what legal aid has to offer me. The lady seems experienced, hell, she got me out on bail, but she doesn't seem to concerned. Two court dates already and she didn't bother to show. On the last court date the crown [thats what we call the prosecutor here in Canada] had complaints related the the fact that my lawyer has failed to setup a meeting with him [something she was supposed to have done before the last date].

    Unfortunately I know nothing of the legal process so I have to rely on this woman to help me. But seeing as how I'm not paying her out of my pocket it seems I've been put on the bottom of her list.

    I just dont know what to do. It seems getting any proper support or defense is going to cost me a lot of money. A lot of money I dont have. Ive blown through all the money I had saved for school and my car just paying rent for the last few months [they have me on house arrest so I am not even allowed to work, and because I lost my job over this crap I have been denied my unemployment despite paying into it for nearly 8 years].
  11. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Ask for another lawyer who will be more attentive...is there a Law School near you which you can contact for some advice...I live in the US so I am useless re Canadian law...maybe someone here is more familiar so ask the members as well...you will be surprised how accomplished some ppl are here...several are completing law school, but I think that is in the US as well...but maybe they would be interested as serving as a para-legal for you...ask...what could happen...and stay angry...it does give one power...and know we are here...Tomorrow I will contact one of my dear friends who is a talented attorney (in NY and NJ) to see if he knows anyone in Canada...asking never hurts when you know you are cared for...here is the link to the CBA: http://www.cba.org/cba/ Contact them and get free education...big hugs, J

    PS...from what I can see, there is a new FireArms Control Law in Canada being debated in the courts...were you charged with having a firearm without a license and anything else? This will determine the class of the crime and who is best to defend you (in a perfect world)...J
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 29, 2010
  12. Damn. Thats more than anybody I actually know has offered to do. Thank you.

    I would imagine US and Canada are pretty close when it comes to our laws, all for the exception of gun laws of course, which is whats going to get me crucified here. Unfortunately up here nobody can even understand why a person would own a gun, even when its a hunting rifle [it was a .22 cal from the 60's I was restoring]. Maybe if I didn't live in the city [I live in Toronto] where gun violence is on the rise it wouldn't be so bad. I mean up north, the east coast, the west coast, guns are very common and understood there. Here its like owning a ticking time bomb.

    And the worst part is, like I said, its an old gun from the 60's I was trying to restore [just for the sake of a hobby or something]. But I guess none of that matters when you're out in public with it.

    I just wish they'd understand that there was something more to this. That despite the fact that I owned a gun Im not some maniac. I mean, I know I messed up with the medication. I even took too much the night prior to the incident in an effort to sleep, and never slept. And by too much I mean nearly a two weeks supply, which sounds crazy but after you take two or three [this was clonazepam so it is a benzo] things tend to become hazy and I have no idea why I went through the bottle. But I know I kind of 'blacked out' pretty quick and next thing I knew I was caught up in this mess.

    I just find it hard to believe that I was a decent hard working person, then after spending a few weeks on prozac and seroquel I was switched immediately one day to citalopram and clonazepam, then within three days I am arrested for acting like a nut. Thats too much of a coincidence for me. Especially when those days also happen to be the haziest, most confusing days of my life.

    But all this legal nonsense aside its just a bit of a 'final push' if you will. And it seems all too odd that its happening now, about 4 months from turning 25, when I've been telling myself since I was 15 that I would never live to see 25.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 29, 2010
  13. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i also faced jail time for something stupid i did while mentally ill (not on meds at the time but was manic, i'm bipolar). not as serious, but got caught smuggling at the airport. my attorney worked a deal with the crown and i got off with a fine. being bipolar helped explain my actions. hopefully your attorney is on the ball and will explain that you were having a bad reaction to medication. i'm very sorry for how you were treated in jail. i am shocked but sadly not surprised. there is terrible discrimination against people with mental health issues. are you still self-harming? i don't know anyone in legal aid here in toronto but if there's anything else i can do to help let me know. can you go out at all? there's a great place downtown called progress place, it's at church and wellesley, http://progressplace.org/static/index.htm. i'm a member there. perhaps you can give them a call, find out about volunteering. at the very least you will be doing something valuable with your time.
  14. Not sure what you're referring to specifically, I know they're thinking of repealing the gun registry. But to be fair, the gun registry and just about every issue related to guns seems to be an ongoing debate in this country.

    As for my charges, yes I was charged with having a firearm without a license knowing it is prohibited and careless use of a firearm [among other things, those are the gun charges]. Initially I was also charged with careless storage of the gun and careless storage of ammo but I think when they realized I had a proper gun case to store it they dropped those charges.

    They've also charged me with two counts of mischief, threatening death, and two counts of owning a weapon dangerous to the public because they searched my home and seized a machete from my camping gear and a broken samaria sword I had in a closet [it doesn't even have a handle, just a blade in the sheath. it was one of those ornamental swords with a blunt blade as well]. They're really making an effort to make me look like a maniac. Hell, at my bail hearing the crown repeatedly argued that the police seized multiple machetes from my home trying to imply I had some stock of weapons, which I knew was a lie [as I only owned one]. Then when I got all the info from the police it was clear they only seized one. There was no mention of 'multiple machetes' whatsoever. The judge at my bail hearing even told me he had no idea why a person would need a machete for camping, but I've been a backpacker for years and always used a machete as I found it to be much lighter, easier to carry, and more practical than a hatchet. And I bought this machete from Canadian Tire, in their camping section. So I don't know what to say. I've got nearly $2000 worth of backpacking gear yet they don't believe that I am an outdoorsman and thats why I own it.

    They've racked the charges up on me to say the least. And it bothers me immensely as I am a good guy who has always worked hard to help pay the bills around the house. And yeah, I enjoy solo camping and I own a machete. I can't understand what is wrong with that. Best part is they make no mention of the wealth of camping gear I own when they speak of this machete. Or the fact that it was stored amongst it all.

    They're trying to drown a good hard working person in serious criminal charges when there are all kinds of lunatics out there selling drugs and robbing people in this city. I don't understand.
  15. As for self harming, yeah. This has been an ongoing problem in my life thats gotten worse and more serious as time has gone on [a cut turns into a gash, a gash turns into multiple gashes, multiple gashes turn into god knows what]. I had never burned myself until being arrested. But soon after being bailed out I turned to that.

    And I am on 24h house arrest. Only allowed to go out for doctors appointments, court, counsel and medical emergencies. And I can't go out alone. Who knows though, maybe if I can get set up with something positive the courts would be willing to allow me to do it.
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