Not sure where to post this... but oh well

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by yeyforme, Jan 15, 2008.

  1. yeyforme

    yeyforme New Member

    I lost my friend last week.. he was 23... smart, good looking, funny and had the world going for him.. he just couldn't see past the cloud of depression that ruled his life.

    He'd tried to get help, but it wasn't enough..We couldn't save him, he couldn't save himself.. so now he's dead. He's not coming back, he'll never tell us another stupid joke, or laugh with us... he was one of those guys that always took the joke one step too far, he was just that guy you instantly loved. And it hurts. It hurts so much that he's gone.

    I don’t know what to do. I'm trying to feel, trying to make sense of something so senseless. But I can't. I've just stopped. My world makes no sense anymore. I'm angry with the rest of the world for being so concerned with things that are so trivial and meaningless. I have no motivation to go on.

    You know the funny thing?.. or perhaps Ironic... the last few weeks have been awful for me.. I wanted to end it all... the night he committed suicide I thought about it too.. but something in me went "no you can get past this"... so I made a decision that night to get help, to go and see someone. Then the next day I get this shitty piece of news.

    I don't want to die now, but I just don't see the point in going on. I feel like I'm trapped and nothing seems important anymore.

    Laughter feels hollow and fake, I can't cry anymore because I have no tears, Smiling is impossible and attempting to care about peoples stupid insignificant issues is a waste of my time (ie I couldn't get a car park this morning that kinda crap).

    I realise the rest of the world goes on even when this stuff happens, and you have to get over it... I just don't know what or how to feel anymore.

    Part of me is ok, those in my life I truly love I'm there for them you know. I want to help them I want them to be ok, I can't do this again... I can't stop it... I can't predict it.

    Am I supposed to be angry right now? or sad? I'm confused and so screwed in the head... I don't know what comes next or how to get better.

    I used to think I had all the answers but now I'm not so sure.
     
  2. nicesinging1

    nicesinging1 Well-Known Member

    First of all, my condolences for your friend. Such a young age, a whole life ahead of him, what a tragedy! I hope he is finally in peace in Heaven.
    I have been dealing with severe depression/trauma myself for 10 yrs. I can imagine how low he must have felt before he took his life.
    If you don't mind, do you mind sharing what made him so depressed? Did he try therapy and anti-depressants? Was it impulsive decision or result of something that has been bottling up inside for so long?
    I hope you get over this tragedy and live strong, great life with his memory in your heart.

    -Hank-
     
  3. bunny

    bunny Staff Alumni

    You're not supposed to feel any specified way, we all deal with things how we can. Take your time, and keep yourself safe, you can get through this, we will be here if you need us :hug:
     
  4. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    Im really sorry about your lost, he sounded like an awesome guy.

    I can imagine your feeling slightly arkward about talking right now, however i suggest sharing how you feel to a friend who knew him, remember the times you had together, talk about the memories, laugh at the jokes he told. Hopefully it will start the healing, its an important step to moving on.

    Knowing some one who committed suicide tends to make you more prone to it however just think whether he would of want you to do that. If you ever need to chat just message me or create a thread on here everyones really friendly and understanding here.
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    im sorry for your loss :hug:
     
  6. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry to read your post, I can feel the sadness in your words. I doubt anything I can say will help ease your pain, but I just want you to know you shouldn't be feeling any exact emotion. What you're going through right now is totally normal. You need to grieve in your own time and the grieving process is different from one person to the next - go with the flow.

    It may help for you to talk to your friends who knew your friend, share the good memories and be there when you're all feeling low. I know it's hard to believe, but you will learn to laugh again. You will never forget your friend but in time, you'll adjust. I don't mean that to sound as horrible as it does, but hopefully you understand what I mean.

    It is very raw in your memory, your friend died really recently, you can't be expected to move on anytime soon. No one can expect you to move on at any specific time, as I said earlier, go with the flow.

    Take care of yourself. :hug:
     
  7. three

    three Member

    I'm so sorry that you've lost your friend, especially in this way. It's not unusual that you, too, have had thoughts about suicide afterwards. After we lost my mom (to suicide), I heard in several places that people who lose a friend/loved one to suicide are a lot more likely to consider it for themselves.

    I think that too few people know about why people commit suicide, and about what devestation occurs to the people who loved the suicide victim afterwards. It's almost criminal that we have to find this stuff out after it's too late (either someone is lost, or we have lost them).

    You say you're confused about being mad, sad, etc. I can tell you that I was all of the above, though oddly I couldn't cry for months. That was horrible. It took going to an online forum to finally break my dry spell and then I just walked outside and bawled, and kept crying for a good while.

    Add to that feelings of guilt (I should have...), anger (dammit why did you...), fear (what if I lose someone else, what if I do it, too...), and of course the sadness. Then at some point you'll probably feel guilty for not feeling the way you think you should. It's a really mixed up set of emotions to go through, and very hard. I'm terribly sorry that you're having to go through it. I wish no one else had to, ever! But we do, and it's devestatingly unfortunate.

    Don't let people tell you what the time limit on healing should be. Of COURSE you're going to try your best to heal. No one wants to feel pain, do they? So know always that you're trying your best and it's a very hard road. Just the fact that you thought about suicide and DIDN'T do it shows you that you can do this. It'll suck, but you can do it and there's relief at the end. It just will seem like you backslide sometimes - and that's ok. Things get worse, and better, and then hopefully when you're ready your healing will begin.

    In the mean time, remember your body is effected by this stress. Don't let it take more of a physical toll on you. Get what rest you can (more than you think you need), if you can exercise that'll give you healthy endorphines that are natural mood elevators and help counteract depression. Take in good nutrition and plenty of water - vitamins, whatever, because your body is more vulnerable during stress. Take care of the people around you who lost, too, and mother-hen them like I'm mother-henning you. :) It really does help your healing because your body isn't as worn down and tired.

    I don't really have anything wise to say, but I hope that this helps some.

    I made it. I didn't know if I would. There were lots of times I didn't think I would. But I did. I think you will, too, and hope to hear later messages of you encouraging others after you'ove made it through this awful storm.

    Take care.
    just three