I went to a party last night. I thought great socialize have fun and forget. I have been going out drinking, bar hopping with a friend all week and my mood while even though with a friend has only sunk to previous lows. At the party I realized the girl i have been persuing has no interest in me. As much as I would have liked to brush this off and just keep going I couldn't. I felt worthless again. like I do not qualify for anyone's time or attention. As if in that one moment the entire world had just shut me out. I continued drinking so as not to ruin the party. when everyone started going to bed, i could not help but lay there thinking about suicide. I imagined her happy with another guy, my dream come back to haunt me. (dream: i am at the party and for some reason its as if I am forced to watch a female that i cared for in the arms of another man).and I wondered how long until i became numb. how long until I eventually just stopped feeling any emotion. I am tired of flip flopping from anger to depression. I am going to see the base Chaplain on monday. I dont want to be labeled by the command. i do not want to be put on their "suicide watch". its a joke. mocking the disease I have. its as if they are punishing you for being depressed, like you chose to wake up like this. Like I WANT to live my life like this. I read Prozac Nation a while back to help cope. it worked for a while but the book ended in such a way that it made me sick. I was digusted with the aurthors happy ending. (sorry if i ruined it for you) I pulled a qoute from it. "In my case, I was not frightened in the least bit at the thought that I might live because I was certain, quite certain, that I was already dead. The actual dying part, the withering away of my physical body, was a mere formality. My spirit, my emotional being whatever you want to call all that inner turmoil that has nothing to do with physical existence, were long gone, dead and gone, and only a mass of the most f#cking god-awful excruciating pain like a pair of boiling hot tongs clamped tight around my spine and pressing on all my nerves was left in it's wake."