I've been reading the posts of so many others who all seem pretty good at knowing where to start - but I have absolutely no idea where it all went wrong for me. The best I can do is "when", which was June 2013. Don't get me wrong - I've had bad periods before, but not like this and not ones where I not only see the 'self-destruct' button, but also press it and hold it down. I used to live for my job, I worked so many hours of unpaid overtime that if you added it up I probably worked more hours unpaid than I did paid, which was fine because it has never been about the money. In fact, I HATE money - people matter, right? Well except me - I couldn't matter less if I tried. But that would take energy, of which I have none. It's taking everything I have to write this, to formulate a coherent thought and translate it into something others might understand. I hope. Or do I? I guess I do because otherwise I wouldn't bother. Anyway, I worked with the same organisation for 7.5yrs, from just barely 19yrs of age, until almost 27yrs, which I am now. I grew up there, these people were like family to me - with me during hard times and celebrating my achievements. They supported me in being a carer for my now 71yr old Mother who is in and out of hospital for chronic depression and through ovarian cancer at the age of 21yrs (was terminal but last minute surgery granted me a last minute "reprieve"). They were there for me when I found out that if I didn't have surgery within a week that I would be deemed legally blind and lose my ability to read, drive or - worst of all - remain working in my job. They were there when I found out I couldn't have children because apparently that would somehow make my eyesight worse (as in blind). They promoted me when I graduated uni with a degree in Social Work and they trusted me to organise events - they even let me choose the colours of the Christmas baubles every year - even if they had to buy new ones 3yrs in a row... But then the Manager that I had had for 3yrs (and whom I'd known well for 5yrs) left to move to another part of the organisation and after 5mths of juggling that role plus my own we got a new manager who did not like me from the start. Everyone seemed to think my age was the reason and that I had a good rapport with the clients we worked with etc. I still don't know. To be honest, I never liked her either, but I tried really hard with her and initially tried to stand up for myself. But that made it worse - it usually does with bullying. The thing is that I'd been bullied by a manager before and she eventually got herself fired/resigned, so I thought that no one would believe me a second time. Wish I had done something in hindsight, because I was always the person who would stand up for what was right. Don't quite know when that stopped, but it did. Fast forward to June 2013 - I lost my job, or "resigned" as the paperwork states. I was accused of so many things I lost count, but the only thing I feel was fair is that I wasn't up to date with my paperwork. Even my union rep said the meetings were disorganised and that they had made up their minds long before I had a say. I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to the clients I had worked with for years, nor the colleagues who had known me for most of my adult life. I just had to leave and never look back. At that point I figured f*ck it, I've been accused of so many things that I didn't do and I gained contact with a few of the ex-clients who I knew were struggling with my departure because they had been interviewed etc. Let me make one thing clear - I NEVER did anything to hurt them, all I have done is drive them to appointments, teach them to drive and link them with services when they needed it. Their families all know the whole story of why I don't work there anymore, and are extremely supportive because they know all I have done is try to help their kids, even though I know it's wrong. Not legally, but ethically. I lost 2 of my best friends to suicide within a month of each other just before I lost my job and then I found out I was diagnosed with terminal cancer again for which I have recently had surgery for to extend my time. The only guy I have ever loved moved to NSW for work recently, after we reunited after being in a relationship for 3yrs years ago. I feel so guilty about everything, especially the fact that I fought so hard to live and fight cancer, only to desperately wish I had the courage to end my life now. I feel like the worst person alive and I wish that I would at least stop failing at everything and hurting the people I love because I truly believe they would live happier lives without me. I'm lucky enough to have a few friends who know everything and they have been there but they too have a lot to deal with - it's usually me trying to help them. I don't want to let anyone else down and I feel so close to giving up because the last few days have brought more and more bad news about how my ex-boss is trying to bring me down (how much further can I fall) by stopping me from ever working in the field again - not that I blame her. I just wish she wouldn't go around telling people I was faking cancer for the second time - she wasn't even there the first time so that obviously came from someone who knew me back then and who should know better because they were there and saw how sick I was. would never do something so horrible - who would?! Although I have some good friends right now, the ones I considered closest have said they can't deal with it right now because they aren't doing so well either. I get it, I'm trying to be understanding, but it hurts. I'm so disappointed in myself and I'm too scared to live because I feel like everyone is just going to end up hating me. Sorry this post was so long, if you've managed to read this far then whether you reply or not doesn't even matter. Just know that I truly appreciate your time.