Not sure where to start but becoming certain of where it will end...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Fallingfast21, Feb 11, 2014.

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  1. Fallingfast21

    Fallingfast21 Member

    I've been reading the posts of so many others who all seem pretty good at knowing where to start - but I have absolutely no idea where it all went wrong for me. The best I can do is "when", which was June 2013. Don't get me wrong - I've had bad periods before, but not like this and not ones where I not only see the 'self-destruct' button, but also press it and hold it down. I used to live for my job, I worked so many hours of unpaid overtime that if you added it up I probably worked more hours unpaid than I did paid, which was fine because it has never been about the money. In fact, I HATE money - people matter, right? Well except me - I couldn't matter less if I tried. But that would take energy, of which I have none. It's taking everything I have to write this, to formulate a coherent thought and translate it into something others might understand. I hope. Or do I? I guess I do because otherwise I wouldn't bother.

    Anyway, I worked with the same organisation for 7.5yrs, from just barely 19yrs of age, until almost 27yrs, which I am now. I grew up there, these people were like family to me - with me during hard times and celebrating my achievements. They supported me in being a carer for my now 71yr old Mother who is in and out of hospital for chronic depression and through ovarian cancer at the age of 21yrs (was terminal but last minute surgery granted me a last minute "reprieve"). They were there for me when I found out that if I didn't have surgery within a week that I would be deemed legally blind and lose my ability to read, drive or - worst of all - remain working in my job. They were there when I found out I couldn't have children because apparently that would somehow make my eyesight worse (as in blind). They promoted me when I graduated uni with a degree in Social Work and they trusted me to organise events - they even let me choose the colours of the Christmas baubles every year - even if they had to buy new ones 3yrs in a row...

    But then the Manager that I had had for 3yrs (and whom I'd known well for 5yrs) left to move to another part of the organisation and after 5mths of juggling that role plus my own we got a new manager who did not like me from the start. Everyone seemed to think my age was the reason and that I had a good rapport with the clients we worked with etc. I still don't know. To be honest, I never liked her either, but I tried really hard with her and initially tried to stand up for myself. But that made it worse - it usually does with bullying. The thing is that I'd been bullied by a manager before and she eventually got herself fired/resigned, so I thought that no one would believe me a second time. Wish I had done something in hindsight, because I was always the person who would stand up for what was right. Don't quite know when that stopped, but it did.

    Fast forward to June 2013 - I lost my job, or "resigned" as the paperwork states. I was accused of so many things I lost count, but the only thing I feel was fair is that I wasn't up to date with my paperwork. Even my union rep said the meetings were disorganised and that they had made up their minds long before I had a say. I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to the clients I had worked with for years, nor the colleagues who had known me for most of my adult life. I just had to leave and never look back. At that point I figured f*ck it, I've been accused of so many things that I didn't do and I gained contact with a few of the ex-clients who I knew were struggling with my departure because they had been interviewed etc. Let me make one thing clear - I NEVER did anything to hurt them, all I have done is drive them to appointments, teach them to drive and link them with services when they needed it. Their families all know the whole story of why I don't work there anymore, and are extremely supportive because they know all I have done is try to help their kids, even though I know it's wrong. Not legally, but ethically.

    I lost 2 of my best friends to suicide within a month of each other just before I lost my job and then I found out I was diagnosed with terminal cancer again for which I have recently had surgery for to extend my time. The only guy I have ever loved moved to NSW for work recently, after we reunited after being in a relationship for 3yrs years ago. I feel so guilty about everything, especially the fact that I fought so hard to live and fight cancer, only to desperately wish I had the courage to end my life now. I feel like the worst person alive and I wish that I would at least stop failing at everything and hurting the people I love because I truly believe they would live happier lives without me. I'm lucky enough to have a few friends who know everything and they have been there but they too have a lot to deal with - it's usually me trying to help them.

    I don't want to let anyone else down and I feel so close to giving up because the last few days have brought more and more bad news about how my ex-boss is trying to bring me down (how much further can I fall) by stopping me from ever working in the field again - not that I blame her. I just wish she wouldn't go around telling people I was faking cancer for the second time - she wasn't even there the first time so that obviously came from someone who knew me back then and who should know better because they were there and saw how sick I was. would never do something so horrible - who would?! Although I have some good friends right now, the ones I considered closest have said they can't deal with it right now because they aren't doing so well either. I get it, I'm trying to be understanding, but it hurts. I'm so disappointed in myself and I'm too scared to live because I feel like everyone is just going to end up hating me.

    Sorry this post was so long, if you've managed to read this far then whether you reply or not doesn't even matter. Just know that I truly appreciate your time.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2014
  2. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Hi Fallingfast, and welcome to SL. I'm very sorry for all you have been through and are currently going through. But how strong you are, to have continued to fight and survive from cancer! I went through a similar situation and am about the same age as you (with the job and the new boss). It takes a really insensitive person to accuse you of faking cancer and frankly it doesn't sound like you should give anything she says the time of day. As long as your nose is clean and you are a good worker you will be able to find success in the field.

    Having said all that, I really hope you feel better tonight and that you find comfort and support here. Sending you mental hugs. Hang in there!
     
  3. Fallingfast21

    Fallingfast21 Member

    Hey, thank you so much for your reply - I honestly didn't think anyone would. I just feel so guilty and I don't want to let anyone else down. I can't believe I let myself get here. Like I said, I would never do anything to hurt these girls, all I have done is drive them to look at houses, to TAFE, to the doctors when they are sick or pick them up from friends houses when its late and I want them to get home safely. I taught one to drive and supported her to quit drugs - she has. I encourage them to do their course work, I saw them graduate and we went to the zoo. All of this is done with their parents knowledge, in fact we go out for dinner with their families and try to improve the communication that has been lost for so long. I tell them every day how proud I am of who they are and encourage them to follow their dreams in life - that's all. I know I shouldn't even have contact with them but they are such amazing people and I'd do anything for them. I hate that the thing keeping me here is the thing that I shouldn't even have in the first place. And by thing, I mean people. They deserve the world, but I don't. I just don't know what to do anymore :(

    As for my ex-boss, bullying is awful. So is not doing anything about it. I regret it more than I can say. I hope things are better for you now, and again - thank you so much for your reply.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2014
  4. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    So correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm kind of getting that there is an issue with you having contact with clients when you no longer work there. I am hearing that you have developed friendships with these girls and their families and that you want to keep in contact, but maybe right now until you get it all sorted out, you could stick to e-mails and texts with them. I only suggest this as it seems like your (former) work situation is a major cause of stress and resolving whatever is going on there might really help you get a little clear headed. Is there anything you can do to get that situation resolved so that you don't have to deal with your ex manager again?
     
  5. Fallingfast21

    Fallingfast21 Member

    Yeah that's about right. I have actually done that because I don't want them to see this. I don't know what to do about my ex-manager, she is probably not going to stop anytime soon. I'm just trying to encourage the girls to do the right thing and I'm staying well away from there. I feel like the only way out of this is just another thing everyone would hate me for, but at least it would be the last. I just can't do it to those girls because I try to be a role model and I don't want them to think suicide is ok or that I didn't care about them. But I don't know how much longer I can do this. I just started chemo and its making me feel worse (told my doctor) and I think the last year has just hit me because I didn't really deal with losing my friends or anything properly because I didn't think I would be here (last minute surgery). I have never posted stuff like this before and this is the most I have ever talked about it so I'm kind of scared of being judged for everything, even though I deserve to be.
     
  6. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Well first of all, take it easy on yourself. You don't ever deserve to be berated for trying to share what you're going through.

    I'm hearing that you are in a lot of pain, and are feeling suicidal because it seems like a way to make everything...quiet. And I totally get that. But it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And also it sounds like you don't actually want to die, but are just overwhelmed. If you really had given up you wouldn't be going to chemo, right? So look at that and pat yourself on the back for having the strength to take care of yourself.

    I'm sure everything seems really overwhelming at the moment, especially with you feeling sick from chemo. I've had both a family member and a couple of friends go through it and I've seen how horrible it made them feel. But you are stronger than you think and you can get through this and everything else. If this is the low point, it's all uphill from here right?
     
  7. Fallingfast21

    Fallingfast21 Member

    Hey, yeah "quiet" sums it up well. I also don't want to hurt anyone in the long run if I screw things up more than I already have. I have only done one cycle of chemo and still have 5 to go. I've been considering not going to my next appointment - death by default doesn't require much courage does it? I don't think that death will solve this, I just think that if I'm failing this badly at life then I'll only keep f*cking things up with the people around me and they deserve better. I hate that I'm so ungrateful and wasting a chance that I don't deserve. Everytime I think I've hit rock bottom I fall further - how many times can I redefine "rock bottom?" The term seems redundant at this point.

    But I guess I will keep trying because I still really care about these girls and my friends, as well as my mum who needs a lot of care - I don't want them to think they don't mean anything to me because they do. I feel really selfish for even thinking this stuff, let alone sharing it, but I am really grateful for your support, it has helped a lot. Thank you :)
     
  8. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    You are so welcome; please feel free to message me any time. It really made me smile to read that you are feeling better and hanging in there. I think that's pretty strong! Take it easy on yourself, okay? I hope you're having a wonderful day!
     
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