I don't know how I feel, really. I'm not like wanting to off myself right this second, but sometimes I just wish it was already done, or that it was a lot easier of a decision. It doesn't seem like anything will ever change for me. Shit feels pointless. It's so hard to make myself do anything or care about most things. Like who the fuck cries while getting dressed to go to a doctor's appointment? Just for the simple fact that it's so fucking hard to make yourself move and do something? And I never really go out anywhere else so it's like a once a month type thing here and there, and even then it's hard as fuck. You would think staying at home constantly doing nothing would drive you crazy and make you want to do something...anything. But no, not really. Like, on one hand I guess it does sometimes, but most of the time I just dread it. It feels like so much fucking work. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I feel worthless because I don't really do anything. But I also don't care to bother to do anything for the most part. Why I don't care? I don't know. It just feels pointless. Maybe I don't have enough confidence in myself, or enough willpower. Like, I really honestly don't know. I just feel so fucking empty...like I have no energy to give to anything that I try to do. I don't even want to go like one block out of my way to buy myself a pack of cigarettes. Even that feels like too much work. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me and how the hell to not feel this way. Maybe I really killed off like every single receptor I had shooting dope and now there's just no happiness left whatsoever, no motivation, and no willpower. And I don't know how to get any of it back.