Hi, I am not sure why I am posting. I am a mom of 3 children ages 9, 2 and 1. They are the light in my life and are wonderful. I was gang raped several years ago. iI was also diagonosed as bi polar a few years back. I try hard to feel good, but all I feel is dark and pain. I have attempted suicide a few times. I have not been sucessful and I think that is in part to my kids. I am a avid cutter, it seems the only way to ease my pain. My kids are not aware, I put on a perfect normal loving mom front. My husband is a jerk and could care less about me. He has hurt me physically a few times and is verbally and mentally abusive all the time. I am not sure why I am talking about any of this. My pain lately is so much I cannot handle it. I want silence, sleep and darkness. I am not sure why I turned out such a loser. I have had couseling and medication. I am just at a loss. I feel bad for my kids... why would God give them a mother like me. Ick I hate all this. I have no friends and my family lives a 1000 miles away. The hurt has been constant for years and years. I want it all to end. I am just so afraid to leave my kids. I just want this to be over for me.