Not sure why I am even posting

Hi,
I am not sure why I am posting. I am a mom of 3 children ages 9, 2 and 1. They are the light in my life and are wonderful. I was gang raped several years ago. iI was also diagonosed as bi polar a few years back. I try hard to feel good, but all I feel is dark and pain. I have attempted suicide a few times. I have not been sucessful and I think that is in part to my kids. I am a avid cutter, it seems the only way to ease my pain. My kids are not aware, I put on a perfect normal loving mom front. My husband is a jerk and could care less about me. He has hurt me physically a few times and is verbally and mentally abusive all the time. I am not sure why I am talking about any of this. My pain lately is so much I cannot handle it. I want silence, sleep and darkness. I am not sure why I turned out such a loser. I have had couseling and medication. I am just at a loss. I feel bad for my kids... why would God give them a mother like me. Ick I hate all this. I have no friends and my family lives a 1000 miles away. The hurt has been constant for years and years. I want it all to end. I am just so afraid to leave my kids. I just want this to be over for me.

 

Hi. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad but its great that you have your kids and that they mean so much to you. When you say you want "this" to be over for you, could you maybe consider that "this" isnt your life..just your life as it is now. In which case, what you need to try and do is to change your life, to make it better and to turn it into something that IS worth living. I know I know its easier said than done but you can get there. Have some faith in yourself and remember how much you love your kids. I'm not saying its easy at all its just sometimes helpful to look at things in a different way. Always here if you want to chat. Take care. xxx

 

If your husband is abusive you need to find someplace safe to live. You need to talk with someone in the medical field that can give you some help for you and the kids. You can't heal when your a punching bag. Get some help... you need help. :unsure:

 

Hi Jen and welcome...I am so glad you found us...it does sound like you have so much on your plate, and in addition to deal with such a devastating event such as a gang rape...that in itself, takes so much to recover from...your children are wonderful by no accident...you have provided an environment for them to be that way, for which you can feel very proud...and to seek help and attempt to find a way to be more comfortable in the world is also a clear sign of bravery...please stay with us and continue to know how you are doing... there are many ppl here who have similiar challanges to get through, and I am sure you will see that you are not alone...please PM me if I can be of any help...big hugs, Jackie

 

Jen;

You've got enough/too much on your plate as it is without the abuse from your husband - that's very destructive. Your spouse is supposed to love and support you, not tear you down. I suggest a battered womens' shelter with counseling and perhaps even a permanent break from this abuser. If not, your kids may grow up thinking that abuse is normal acceptable behavior.:sad: Kids who were abused, or witnesses to abuse, too often grow up to become abusers. Please do something - call a local hotline for starters - to rescue yourself and your kids. None of you need or deserve this way of life.

love and support,:smile: :smile:

least

 

Jen,
I'm so sorry to hear that you've had to go through so much pain in your life. My advice about your husband is to leave him. No real man would ever raise his hand to a woman, and the men that do that won't change, the majority of them. I'm a male in case you're wondering. My mother was abused physically by my father and as a child to see that was very traumatizing, to see the person who I considered god being abused. Please get out of that situation for you, and most importantly your kids sake. You have been through way too much shit in your life to be abused by a man. No woman deserves that. Your strength should lie within your kids. "Mother is the name for god on the lips and hearts of all children" That's from the movie The crow

 

I often refrain from posting here as I feel like I wouldn't do any good - I'm basically a forum browser with an active account, so I'm in your shoes too. But, even I had to post to give you my condolensces. The fact alone that you have an abusive husband is the sort of thing that makes me ashamed to be a male. Same with the gang rapists - I don't know why some people do that, but even after de-sensitization through violence in the news and so on, it's one of the few things left in the world that makes me sick and sad.

Do you have parents you can go to, to stay with? You described the way you feel about your kids - "They are the light in my life and are wonderful." That's how all parents feel of course, so don't try and say to me that they would turn you away, they would want to do nothing but help, and they would only feel pity and compassion, not shame at your terrible ordeal. If you don't have parents (in which case I'm sorry for being disrespectful), then you would be able to have best friends that would do this very same thing for you.

 

Thanks to all who replied. I love my kids very much. I want what is best for them. My parents live far away and when I asked to come home, they told me maybe I should just avoid talking to my husband and he would not get mad and go psycho. They told me no I could not come home, I am a grown women with a family and need to deal with my marriage and put all my efforts into making my husband happy.
My best friend also lives in another state. She is in the same situation as me, so staying with her would be worse than better. I have talked with my oldest who is nine about leaving and he begs me not too, he loves school. My husband is good to my kids, but pretty rotten to me. My kids are usually in bed when my husband is really a jerk. He does not want them to think of him as "someone who is mean to mommy". I have called the police several times. Never pressed charges though because he would loose his job and we would be left with nothing.
I also do not have much of an education ( some college) and could not get a job to pay for anything. I am at a loss. I feel like I am at my husbands mercy. I grew up in a home with no father at home and keep wondering why I am such a loser who let myself get to this point. I feel like I will always be hurting someone no matter what I do. To be honest I could give two shits about myself. I just want my kids to be happy. And they are so maybe I should just shut up and take it at night when stuff happens. I refuse to yell so they cannot hear. God I am pathetic.

 

You are an example of the absolute good in this world, the human spirit that prevails even after a long history of abuse by the weak who've been corrupted by mental disease. You couldn't give in because you loved your children too much, because they need you, because all the pain in the world can't stop you from doing what is right. That's why you're here, you're part of the cure. As long as there are people in this world who refuse to give in to the disease, the cycle is being broken, and humanity is growing stronger. You're not just a mother to these children, you're a hero to every human alive, and each day that you bring happiness to other humans, you destroy more of the disease, until eventually your good spirit will become so great that the last of the sickness will fade away and cease to exist. I won't forget your story, I want to be strong.