Not sure why I'm here

So, I guess I'm kinda new to this whole thing. I feel kind of out of place right now. As I look through all of the other threads on this forum, it seems like most of you have specific things you can point to as to why you feel the way you do. To be honest, I wish I had that. I have no rationale for my suicidal feelings. I think that's the worst part, the fact that I want to die and can't explain why I want it.

I mean, I've lived a fairly good life. Had more success than most people I know. My family has always been very good to me and I know my parents love me. As far as friends go, I don't feel like I have anyone I would consider a "friend", I guess. It seems like the only times I actually spend time with people is when I invite myself along to gatherings. I suppose I can explain that in a simple enough phrase: I'm an asshole. That's something I have come to realize these past few weeks. I am a cynical prick with no regard for anyone else. At least, that's how everyone seems to view me.

I've thought about suicide ever since Junior High. Attempted once, actually. I was an emotional train-wreck of a teenager, at the time. I never let my family know what I had done. I survived, and I told myself that day that I would never let me kill myself out of one moment of passion. I wanted to be calm. I wanted to truly think it through. Every day I ask myself "is this the day I die?" So far, I haven't had the stomach to do it, but I can feel myself getting closer to the breaking point, where my will to live finally gives out.

I suppose that's why I'm here. I don't know where else to go. The only people I can think of who would care is my family, and all they would do is put me in therapy (which is a huge expense, and I don't want to burden them with that). It's my family that is holding me back right now. Especially my dad, as I know it would absolutely kill him emotionally. But at what point is my desire to die going to overpower my love for my dad? Every day, I get closer and closer to pulling the trigger. My suicide notes are prepared, and the plan is completely in place. The fact of the matter is, I am scared of my own mind right now. I'm afraid of what my mind is capable of convincing me to do.

 

First of all, big hugs :hug:

Secondly, there doesn't have to be a specific reason for depression. It can happen to anyone at any time, even people who seemingly have a good life on paper and have had many successes. Me personally, I have had rotten stuff happen to me, but my recent bout of depression I have no idea what caused it or anything. It kind of came out of the blue for no apprent reason! I can't quite work out whether things in the past have manifested themselves or not, who knows! I have stopped trying to figure it out now.

Don't feel out of place hun. Keep posting your feelings and how you are doing. Have you been to see a doctor about this? You might just need a temporary course of meds just to lift the black cloud. You are not alone :hug:

 

Welcome, welcome. I'll be thinking of you. :shake: You take good care of yourself.

 

Hey, and i've been (and still am?) where you are. Suicide feelings for me would come out of nowhere and completely take over your thoughts.

What really helps me is to listen to music. It occupies my mind with something and just really helps drive out the thoughts (especially songs that reflect my feelings).

You have to try and do something that occupies your mind. Do something that you really like or that you're good at. I know it's easier said than done, but it's the best advice that i can give you.:hugtackles:

 

Hi depression like stated came be caused by chemical imbalance in the brain so no reason is needed either then that If you take medication to correct the imbalance the depression and thoughts will lessen Talk to your doctor okay
Welcome to SF