So, I guess I'm kinda new to this whole thing. I feel kind of out of place right now. As I look through all of the other threads on this forum, it seems like most of you have specific things you can point to as to why you feel the way you do. To be honest, I wish I had that. I have no rationale for my suicidal feelings. I think that's the worst part, the fact that I want to die and can't explain why I want it.
I mean, I've lived a fairly good life. Had more success than most people I know. My family has always been very good to me and I know my parents love me. As far as friends go, I don't feel like I have anyone I would consider a "friend", I guess. It seems like the only times I actually spend time with people is when I invite myself along to gatherings. I suppose I can explain that in a simple enough phrase: I'm an asshole. That's something I have come to realize these past few weeks. I am a cynical prick with no regard for anyone else. At least, that's how everyone seems to view me.
I've thought about suicide ever since Junior High. Attempted once, actually. I was an emotional train-wreck of a teenager, at the time. I never let my family know what I had done. I survived, and I told myself that day that I would never let me kill myself out of one moment of passion. I wanted to be calm. I wanted to truly think it through. Every day I ask myself "is this the day I die?" So far, I haven't had the stomach to do it, but I can feel myself getting closer to the breaking point, where my will to live finally gives out.
I suppose that's why I'm here. I don't know where else to go. The only people I can think of who would care is my family, and all they would do is put me in therapy (which is a huge expense, and I don't want to burden them with that). It's my family that is holding me back right now. Especially my dad, as I know it would absolutely kill him emotionally. But at what point is my desire to die going to overpower my love for my dad? Every day, I get closer and closer to pulling the trigger. My suicide notes are prepared, and the plan is completely in place. The fact of the matter is, I am scared of my own mind right now. I'm afraid of what my mind is capable of convincing me to do.
I mean, I've lived a fairly good life. Had more success than most people I know. My family has always been very good to me and I know my parents love me. As far as friends go, I don't feel like I have anyone I would consider a "friend", I guess. It seems like the only times I actually spend time with people is when I invite myself along to gatherings. I suppose I can explain that in a simple enough phrase: I'm an asshole. That's something I have come to realize these past few weeks. I am a cynical prick with no regard for anyone else. At least, that's how everyone seems to view me.
I've thought about suicide ever since Junior High. Attempted once, actually. I was an emotional train-wreck of a teenager, at the time. I never let my family know what I had done. I survived, and I told myself that day that I would never let me kill myself out of one moment of passion. I wanted to be calm. I wanted to truly think it through. Every day I ask myself "is this the day I die?" So far, I haven't had the stomach to do it, but I can feel myself getting closer to the breaking point, where my will to live finally gives out.
I suppose that's why I'm here. I don't know where else to go. The only people I can think of who would care is my family, and all they would do is put me in therapy (which is a huge expense, and I don't want to burden them with that). It's my family that is holding me back right now. Especially my dad, as I know it would absolutely kill him emotionally. But at what point is my desire to die going to overpower my love for my dad? Every day, I get closer and closer to pulling the trigger. My suicide notes are prepared, and the plan is completely in place. The fact of the matter is, I am scared of my own mind right now. I'm afraid of what my mind is capable of convincing me to do.
