.....but I just feel like venting I guess and thinking things through. I don't think the typical don't do it' responses will help me much at this stage, even as well-meaning as they may be. I'm massively depressed and suicidal, and have been for all of my life that I can remember. I came from a reasonably well-educated and upper middle class family, never had any abuse or issues like that, good parenting. Depression has always been prevalent in my family though, even with a couple family members who have done very well in life. I have had extremely depressed and suicidal thoughts long before I had anything to worry about, and it really hurt me in trying to plan my life, who I was, where I should be, because I've always been thinking about 'the end' more than where I was. I never made any suicide attempts while growing up other than a few times I held my Dad's shotguas a teenaged boy crying my eyes out. It was never a cry for attention or anything like that, because I've never told anyone about those things. During college, I never made any attempts but thought about suicide nearly every day. Things got much worse for me when I ventured into the corporate world, because I can't stand the way people can be and dealing with it every day. Long story short, my difficulties led me to make some bad decisions in my career--I always held some kind of hope that changing scenery would help. It always has in some ways, but only for a short time. In a nutshell, I'm a guy with a graduate degree but who has forced himself into a few lower positions wanting to 'get away' and knowing that a part of me just wanted to hit bottom. I have a million reasons why I generally dislike and distrust people in corporate America. I have a bad combination of being depressed but yet extremely motivated, not being able to relate to others and not always wanting to, sometimes lonely but usually wishing that people would just go away. Over the past 10 years or so, I've probably made 6 or so attempts that all involved some form of ingestion but only made me ill. Again, no cry for attention because I didn't want it and always just told people I was just down with the flu. I know I have never hidden depression well, but haven't openly talked to people about that or the attempts. I finally saw a doctor about a year ago and got some medication that helped a lot at first, but after a few months things were the same. Late last fall I had a major issue at work, long story but really bottomed me out on people for good reason. I quit my job again not being able to deal with it with a very ill-conceived plan at going self-employed w/o a great plan or much desire to help myself. Really, it was more of a desire to hit bottom, and I know that was the root of it. Well, I have hit bottom now. I squandered my savings, and I have only a few months money left and then I will be flat broke and missed my first mortgage payment this month. I'm in my mid 30s now with a graduate degree without a career, lots of burned bridges even though iknow I was 'in the right' but the world doesn't work that way. Right now I'm on the cusp of what would be a final, can't fail attempt because I know that I can't fail at it at this point. I have a long note written to my family with all financial, tax, life insurance, account numbers, everything. I know my family would take my exit hard, but I feel that telling my parents this story would cause as much hurt just the same. Bankruptcy and foreclosure would probably be unavoidable now, but what can I do, go into court and to get welfare saying that I'm too depressed to function anymore in this world? I never wanted to struggle in life as much as I have, but I did want to find the bottom and that's where I am now. I won't get into detail about my method but I will say that it's fool proof, put myself into a slumber in this situation in the boonies and it will be over and for sure. I've never cried for attention but haven't always wanted to die and am still conflicted by the decision, but the pain is killing me just the same.