Not sure why i'm posting on here.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lost45678, May 15, 2010.

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  1. Lost45678

    Lost45678 Member

    .....but I just feel like venting I guess and thinking things through. I don't think the typical don't do it' responses will help me much at this stage, even as well-meaning as they may be.

    I'm massively depressed and suicidal, and have been for all of my life that I can remember. I came from a reasonably well-educated and upper middle class family, never had any abuse or issues like that, good parenting. Depression has always been prevalent in my family though, even with a couple family members who have done very well in life.

    I have had extremely depressed and suicidal thoughts long before I had anything to worry about, and it really hurt me in trying to plan my life, who I was, where I should be, because I've always been thinking about 'the end' more than where I was.

    I never made any suicide attempts while growing up other than a few times I held my Dad's shotguas a teenaged boy crying my eyes out. It was never a cry for attention or anything like that, because I've never told anyone about those things. During college, I never made any attempts but thought about suicide nearly every day.

    Things got much worse for me when I ventured into the corporate world, because I can't stand the way people can be and dealing with it every day. Long story short, my difficulties led me to make some bad decisions in my career--I always held some kind of hope that changing scenery would help. It always has in some ways, but only for a short time. In a nutshell, I'm a guy with a graduate degree but who has forced himself into a few lower positions wanting to 'get away' and knowing that a part of me just wanted to hit bottom.

    I have a million reasons why I generally dislike and distrust people in corporate America. I have a bad combination of being depressed but yet extremely motivated, not being able to relate to others and not always wanting to, sometimes lonely but usually wishing that people would just go away.

    Over the past 10 years or so, I've probably made 6 or so attempts that all involved some form of ingestion but only made me ill. Again, no cry for attention because I didn't want it and always just told people I was just down with the flu. I know I have never hidden depression well, but haven't openly talked to people about that or the attempts.

    I finally saw a doctor about a year ago and got some medication that helped a lot at first, but after a few months things were the same. Late last fall I had a major issue at work, long story but really bottomed me out on people for good reason. I quit my job again not being able to deal with it with a very ill-conceived plan at going self-employed w/o a great plan or much desire to help myself. Really, it was more of a desire to hit bottom, and I know that was the root of it.

    Well, I have hit bottom now. I squandered my savings, and I have only a few months money left and then I will be flat broke and missed my first mortgage payment this month. I'm in my mid 30s now with a graduate degree without a career, lots of burned bridges even though iknow I was 'in the right' but the world doesn't work that way.

    Right now I'm on the cusp of what would be a final, can't fail attempt because I know that I can't fail at it at this point. I have a long note written to my family with all financial, tax, life insurance, account numbers, everything. I know my family would take my exit hard, but I feel that telling my parents this story would cause as much hurt just the same. Bankruptcy and foreclosure would probably be unavoidable now, but what can I do, go into court and to get welfare saying that I'm too depressed to function anymore in this world?

    I never wanted to struggle in life as much as I have, but I did want to find the bottom and that's where I am now. I won't get into detail about my method but I will say that it's fool proof, put myself into a slumber in this situation in the boonies and it will be over and for sure.

    I've never cried for attention but haven't always wanted to die and am still conflicted by the decision, but the pain is killing me just the same.
  2. lonercarrot

    lonercarrot Well-Known Member

    :( sad story, man. Have you really exhausted all other options?
  3. Lost45678

    Lost45678 Member

    Workwise and financially, pretty much. I know it's common for people who are depressed and suicidal to feel victimized and I know that I've made some bad decisions in my career, but the times that I "started over" I really did try to make it work. My last 6 years of work basically don't exist anymore:

    3 years---worked for a company, two years in there was a management shakeup. I had my MBA and was very connected with the actual work, I had huge support from front-line type people but execs felt that they knew that they need a seasoned managerial expert from outside. She despised that some people didn't like that, I feel that I handled as well as I could but I can be pretty bold and wasn't afraid to voice my opinions on things.....but I am a very grounded person and know in my heart that I was always speaking in the interests of the company and people and what needed to be done. In a nutshelll, she was too executive style and wouldn't roll up her sleeves enough to learn what was important. She depised me, so no reference but no matter--she was let go anyway within a year after Imoved on because too many things stopped getting done.

    Last 3 years---towards the end of my time at previous job, I started dating a woman who recruited me into her company. She wasn't my boss, but I wish she'd been more honest with me as she had a very on-and-off romantic relationship with our general manager so I started off in a bit of a love triangle that I didn't know I was getting into. The GM is your typical frat boy style manager who got placed by Dad but no real knowledge of the work. We had an exclusive on-site contract with a huge company that I'm sure you know. My boss was my GM's boy, and the client hated him because he's lazy, client bypassed him a lot and came to me, client loved me. My GM had a very bad relationship with our liasion with the client, who happened to be female. GM hated that I had a good relationship with her, and he started spreading rumors that I was sleeping with (NOT true in that case), and she wanted me to replace my boss and she formally complained to the client HR about the rumors.......which made him hate me more. 'Jane' the lady who recruited me is a very smart and hard-working lady but I know he only hired her for the tail. She has a huge file on him for harrassment if she needs it but is afraid to use it for good reason. In the end I basically got massively demoted in my roles because he wanted me to quit. I had a non-compete so the client can't hire me even if they wanted to, and Jane knows that she'd get fired for associating with me.

    Honestly--my depression has made these things harder to take and it hasn't been all my fault. I find myself havving less and less faith in the human race, don't trust the working world and the people running it, and honestly doing good work has done me more harm than good. I've always taken huge pride in doing a good job, but it just found me trouble.
  4. Dead Alive

    Dead Alive Active Member

    Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Your action will permanently affect your family for generations. It may even cause others to consider suicide too.

    I really think you should talk to a counselor that cares about you. Don't isolate or keep this to yourself. I attempted suicide before... and you know what? It took time but I started feeling better. Medications helped me take the edge off, and life started getting brighter.
  5. Lost45678

    Lost45678 Member

    Thank you for the words, those of you who have responded.

    I wish that I believed that this was a temporary problem, but I just know that it's not, because I've known depression my entire life.....I've just handled it better at some stages than I have at others, and it's always been a lot of work to fight it.

    If I'd known about this method that I've been planning in my 20s (I'm mid-30s now) I know I'd never have made it this far.

    Doing some serious soul searching.....
  6. Dead Alive

    Dead Alive Active Member

    I have been suicidal off and on since I was 17. I am now 48. One thing I have learned is that I clung to being suicidal because I feared feeling good worse. It was so strange for me to feel good when I was used to feeling depressed.

    I got to a point in my life where I stared down the barrel of a gun and had to decide whether I wanted to live or just give up and die. I broke down and cried because I could not pull that trigger knowing that I would have squandered my life for nothing. Today I have chosen to try to help others because that has given me a purpose to go on living. By reaching out I feel better... by isolating... death creeps down on me.

    You will have to make that choice as I have. I believe in God. If I chose to die without giving Him a chance to make a difference; I would be accountable for the decision. My fear has grounded me to not pull that trigger as much as I really wanted to do so. I had to let people help me because I was no longer capable of helping myself. It was after I started letting friends in my life to hug me and lift me up and encourage me did I finally feel the heavyness of depression lift.
  7. Lost45678

    Lost45678 Member

    drove out to a distant part of the state today, a place i've never been but always wanted to see. I knew that coming here would bring me to peace and make me more settled and depressed at the same time.

    Not going to be doing it here, going to bed early tonight in the hotel and making the 5 hour trip. First half of the drive home is very curvy and treacherous, really wish God would let me car run off the road but not plans to do that on purpose.

    I was raised going to church every Sunday, was baptized and confirmed. My one sister and I have gradually lost some faith, and my parents have somewhat too. I believe more than not believe.....but ultimately I believe that if I ever stand before God and he really exists, he will know that I did my best to live under what was right and that i'm just not equipped to deal with the world.
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I read your story and understand your pain.....I know depression too well..
    before you end it though why not try the other options you've listed?
    get welfare and give yourself a break from the workforce...sounds like you need it.....maybe do volunteer work for a while to help others.....
    and please know your parents would probably be very understanding about your least they would still have you alive and wouldn't have to go through the never-ending pain of losing you forever to suicide...your problems are huge to you but are nothing compared with what they will be left with if you kill yourself..
    I am living that nightmare and I assure you it's the pits....
    please try every avenue before you take the final if you need to talk..
    take care...
  9. Lost45678

    Lost45678 Member

    I've been thinking about it on both sides of the coin. My mother has struggled with depression her entire life too, and she's now 60 with diabetes and a very severe weight problem--she's basically let herself go to it, used to do very well fighting it when she was younger though. My Dad is 65 and has emphysema, and not sure that he has much life in him yet.

    My parents were good parents to me, but over the years they've become more and more distant with each other and are more of roommates these days than people who are married....staying that way because they're turning the corner age-wise and have a comfortable home.

    My only sibling and her husband moved down to Texas last year. They have had some money issues. I know that I have enough life insurance money that would make a big difference in all of their lives. It won't make them rich, but is enough to allow my parents to make the right decision and to allow my sister to get out of debt and have some left over.

    I know money isn't everything but it's true that I can offer my family more in death than I can alive at this point. I have a few places where I want to do this scouted out and will look at a couple more tomorrow. Not sure when my attempt will be, but it will be soon. I can't plan a thing like this....sometimes I 'plan' a date and then for some reason feel better that day. Just need to know where I'm going to go and be ready for when the right wave comes.

    I've never really had trouble getting dates during my life, spent a good majority of my mid 20s-early 30s dating a lot of women. I can be where I need to be early, but trying to hide my depression while dating (or while trying to make new friends) burns me out very quickly. Sometimes they didn't like what they saw beneath my curtain and left, sometimes that hurt me, sometimes I kicked them aside before they were able to see. This is probably the one thing in my life that I should be judged for....I don't know exactly how many women I've slept with in the past 10 years but it's probably close to 3 dozen. No real strong relationships or friendships to speak of anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 18, 2010
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You might want to read your life insurance policy.. In most of them they don't cover suicide..All you will be leaving your family is the pain.. You really need to get a shrink and a therapist..Therapy really helps when your honest with them..In the mean time you can get your resume out there and find another job..It sounds as if you do better when your working because it takes suicide of your mind for a while.. I really hope youseek the help..Take Care!!
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    quote.."My mother has struggled with depression her entire life too, and she's now 60 with diabetes and a very severe weight problem--she's basically let herself go to it, used to do very well fighting it when she was younger though. My Dad is 65 and has emphysema, and not sure that he has much life in him yet.
    My parents were good parents to me, but over the years they've become more and more distant with each other and are more of roommates these days than people who are married....staying that way because they're turning the corner age-wise and have a comfortable home. quote

    this will kill your parents..I have no doubt.....they deserve to live the last years of their lives comfortable and in peace...
    I've struggled with depression all my life too and have a few medical problems but in the last few years had become settled and ok with how I was...
    until my son killed himself ...
    now I am on the edge again and my health is going downhill fast...I am angry at him that any peace I deserved has now gone ....
    my world is broken and I want to leave it.....I hadn't felt like this for years before I lost my son.....just because I've struggled with life did not give my son the right to leave me in all this c***...
    I'm sorry i don't mean to take my anger out on you but I want you to rethink your options really do have options..
    do not leave your parents in the same state I am in....
    take care and stay safe ok..
  12. Lost45678

    Lost45678 Member

    IV....I do appreciate your commentary/advice and have been reading most of the items in here lately and have seen you provide similar advice to a few people.

    You have a good perspective in your attempts to discourage people from going forward, but I just wanted to say something that I hope would help you too.

    Everyone feels pain differently and to different extremes. You should be in as good of a position as anybody to understand why your son made the decision that he made, and hopefully you're able to use your own life experiences to understand his struggles.
  13. Dead Alive

    Dead Alive Active Member

    You may be in pain... if your really going to kill yourself you would have done it already. Something is keeping you alive... perhaps it is hope that maybe something will get better... maybe coming here helps you get a better grip on life.

    We all want to help you... but we also are or have been suicidal at a point in our lives. It would be sad for you to go... we care about you. We are all struggling to stay above water... be brave and hang in there with us. We can help each other out... we can become good friends.
  14. Lost45678

    Lost45678 Member

    I want everyone who has responded to know that I do appreciate your advice and taking the time to listen to me.

    I made the 70 mile drive yesterday to spend the night last night with my parents, and I spilled my guts out about everything that's been going on and exactly what's been on my mind.

    They offered to 'help me' and I made sure they know that I wasn't there asking for money. I just needed them to know that sometimes I've been extremely buried in my depression and feeling very suicidal. I said that I just needed them to know about it.....I need to either find an answer and find it in myself to be productive in the world. My biggest problem though is that I sometimes struggle to be the way that I need to be to succeed in life as a human being, dealing with the way people can be day in and day out, politics at work, etc.

    I will admit that I'm still not sure where I'm at with the suicidal thing, because sometimes it really grabs me and I have a terrible time trying to shake it. I basically said that given my situation psychologically, financially, where I'd stand job reference-wise, and the job market in general.....I'm standing in a spot financially where I'll probably need to accept losing my house and my credit and exchanging that for life and knowing that I'll need to fight a very difficult fight in my mind.....but at this point it's probably either that or facing the afterlife. I'm not real big on possessions or image, but I am big on pride. When I bought my house, it was mainly because I was trying to fight the fight and be 'normal'. At 31 when I finally did it, I waited a lot longer than I needed to financially because the 'dark visitor' was always there and I wasn't sure it was right to get into a 30 year commitment.

    No matter what.....I know that my parents understand my situation. My Dad struggled with depression and a very serious suicide attempt when I was 21 and I'm a lot like my Dad.....and I know he understands my battle. I still need to find my answer, have had a lot of trouble sleeping lately.....and the dark cloud is really trying to take me. If nothing else, I told my parents face to face that my lifetime depression wasn't their fault and I know they understand my battle......that's at least much better than a cop showing up at their door soon with a 'next of kin announcement' and a note from me telling them about my depression for the first time. I know they understand what I'm needing to fight.

    I still don't know the answer or what i will do
  15. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    I really empathise with where you are now......I was in a similar position myself a few years of the hardest things I have ever done is go on welfare benefits............I had an amazing career that I had to give up due to my depression/bipolar and I was shattered...........

    I would strongly reccommned doing some voluntary work as it made me feel better about myself in that I was giving something back to the community, and its a great distraction and looks good on your cv rather than doing nothing.....................its amazing what voluntary jobs there are out there these days, really interesting ones...........I help to teach Engligh to foreign immigrants and its very rewarding................

    Just a suggestion..............take good care............shaz
  16. Lost45678

    Lost45678 Member

    thank you for your thoughts Shaz. I actually do have a part-time job that I've done for the past 10 years, so I am being productive in some way....but it's small in the grand scheme of things and couldn't ever wind up being more than it's been. When I go in there, I do a good job at it and it has helped keep me grounded in a way.

    I'd never been much of a drinker since I got out of my early 20s, hardly drank at all. Been drinking a lot lately to pass the time over the past 2-3 months. I won't say that I psychologically need the alcohol in itself, for me it's just been that the day passes by so much faster if I sip on vodka lemonade all day. Takes the edge off and honestly the only time I am able to make myself feel better lately is when I'm feeling angry about the people I've come across in my life, dealt with at work, angry at the world and the latest corporate scandal.

    I sometimes have a lot of anger in me.....don't get me wrong though, I've never been any kind of danger to anyone but myself, but it still just isn't healthy that the only time I feel energized is when I'm upset. Maybe in another life I would have made a good lawyer fighting the system and sticking up for little people....I don't know.
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