not sure why i'm posting

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iceblue, Dec 14, 2012.

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  1. iceblue

    iceblue Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure why I'm posting. The reality is that noone who reads this is going to intervene in my life. That's not said to put a guilt trip on other people. But this is an internet forum and its just not going to happen - that's the reality.

    My mum said the other day that I have family that love me. But if I had been and felt loved I wouldn't have ended up in the situation I'm in today. The reality is that I'm alone in my situation and they are not going to say that I can live with them, or move back.

    I spend most of the time on my own and to avoid feeling alone I spend mosst of that time on the internet. It works for a while, but I think the realisation is here that this laptop isn't a real person and I've never met anyone online who lives anywhere near me for friendship.

    It must be something about human nature that keeps you reaching out, that makes you keep on trying, and keep on posting, over and over again. Perhaps that's the will to live.

    I'm thinking of planning another OD. I'm a bit wary because of trying before and what happened. I wish it could be just a case of going to sleep and drifting off. I have no way out.
     
  2. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    hey I understand what you mean, I come on the internet a lot too and it's hard reaching out all the time and not having that connection with people. OD is never a good idea, do you have someone you can talk to about it like your doctor or mental health workers. I've been there done that and it never works, most of the time it's painful and even if you drift off to sleep you always wake up feeling worse. So please get some help and talk to us online if you need ideas for help.
     
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Well I feel a lot like you do, because I don't really have any real life friends and reach out on here. But it's hard too because I usually still end up with no one to talk to. I hope you don't OD and you can talk to me if you need someone to talk to. I know it's not the same as talking face to face, but we can keep each other company and try to keep away from whatever bad thoughts we have.
     
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Some comments, if I may (meant to be constructive). Intervening in your life is something you can start the ball rolling with. You are the most important person, to yourself, and you need to be the one to lead the charge toward wellness. The Internet is a good thing, I enjoy being on it also, but have you considered joining clubs or support groups in person? It's a good way to meet peers who understand and/or who share similar interests. You have testimony from your mother that your family cares about you, so that in itself is a good reason not to harm yourself, is it not? Often it is difficult for people to show their feelings in a way that another understands, so maybe you will need to have a sit down with family and actually talk to them about what you are going through and how you are feeling. Reach out and see what they can do to support and advocate for you.

    What are your plans, not for your demise, but for your wellness and success? Start on that road and express to family that you need support and see where that leads.
     
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Rachel, welcome here honey :) We all try to 'intervene' for people who are asking - as much as we are able given the constraints of it being what it is, as you have realised, an internet forum with its limitations. Asking questions is a good way to get other peoples' perspectives which you can then sift through to see what gels with you. However,

    "There is a source of guidance within one's own heart that is better than advice from elsewhere" - something heard last night watching Mansfield Park (byJane Austen) said by the heroine in the story (Fanny Price).

    I think that is really true, and what we all need to get back in touch with - and that is what SF can help achieve for us. Advice from others is fine (even if its wisdom from the 19th Century! - emotional wisdom never changes), good and necessary when it helps us decide the direction we want to take, but the motivation is always going to be our own hun :)
     
  6. iceblue

    iceblue Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to say thank you Fleurise and Witty_Sarcasm, for your replies and offer to talk.
     
  7. iceblue

    iceblue Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your reply pickwithaustin. I have considered joining something locally, but there is nothing that doesn't cost quite a lot - my situation is that i'm facing a poverty trap because I've had a long illness and been unable to work, and now the government is cutting benefits and it looks as if I will have to try and get part-time work and just try and manage on that income.

    It's true that mother did say that my family loves me, but its not entirely true and its from a distance. I live an hour and a half's drive away from them and wanted to return in the past but she distanced herself from when I really needed help and I felt so hurt that I stayed where I was. She's married to my stepfather, who didn't treat me very well growing up, and who even today has not rung me once in over twenty years and favours very much his two children that he had with her. If we go out for something to eat (which I can't afford), he gets my mum to pay for me out of her pension so that he doesn't have to pay anything for me. So whilst I think my mum cares, I'm down on her list of priorities because he and my half-siblings come first.

    The only plan I've got at the moment is to gradually increase my voluntary work hours, so that I get fitter and then can apply for a part-time job when my benefits get cut (which could happen anytime soon). Then I'll have to try and manage on that, before gradually trying to increase my hours again so that I can perhaps try and work full-time. I'm also just about to have to lose my home and downsize to a one-bedroomed flat because the government are introducing a 'tax' on having a spare bedroom if you are in social housing (my son's gone to university). I don't really think of things in terms of wellness and success, but rather getting by.
     
  8. iceblue

    iceblue Well-Known Member

    hi urPrecious, I've written two replies to your post but BOTH times I got logged out from this site and lost the replies. I'm taking a break and a will try and get back later.
     
  9. iceblue

    iceblue Well-Known Member

    , as you have realised, an internet forum with its limitations. Asking questions is a good way to get other peoples' perspectives which you can then sift through to see what gels with you. However,

    "There is a source of guidance within one's own heart that is better than advice from elsewhere" - something heard last night watching Mansfield Park (byJane Austen) said by the h
    hi urPrecious, I think that is a lovely saying and I wish it was true in my life. I don't know - I seem to have found life difficult to manage after a difficult upbringing and I had to give up my dreams in my twenties because there wasn't the support and the financial resources to go onto further education. After that I got ill, right through until very recently in my mid-forties. I got prescribed medication that wrecked my body physically causing huge weight gain and diabetes and I'm still trying to wean myself off it. I'm not sure who I really am inside or what I can do and I just try and manage day to day life - I don't have the finances to explore beyond that or to get out much and there seems little prospect of improving my prospects. I hate the way I look and its unlikely I'll meet anyone like this.
     
  10. iceblue

    iceblue Well-Known Member

    I don't know how I managed to do it - but somehow I must have cut and pasted some text before I posted the above reply which is why its a bit garbled - I haven't amended it because I thought I might lose it again.
     
  11. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    Hi Rachel I hope your feeling a little better than the last time we talked. leave me a message on my profile and let me know how you are doing and I'll do the same for you. Take care and I'll check another day to see how you are.
     
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