Not sure...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Blacky, Sep 30, 2013.

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  1. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    Hey yo readers,
    I don't really know why I'm writing right now, but I just think I have to express my feelings right now or so.
    So, how do I start?
    I'm feeling really sad and angry right now, which is a bit messed up and so, mabye I have to explain it...
    After my hospital stay a few weeks ago, I still feel like a mess. Like it's okay to kill myself sometimes...
    The thing is, my counsler got a bit angry at me, because she said it was my own fault I'm feeling like I feel now,
    like, I have to be positive and it will get better, but hell...
    That's just not right!
    It's not that I don't want it to be better (Yeah, like I want to be in pain or what?) but right now I just can't stay positive.
    I hate it when people tell me I'm feeling bad because I don't want it to be better.
    But that's not the best part...
    She told me I can't talk to my friends or so anymore because I could be a burden or so...
    I just hate it that everyone tells me abput their problems, boyfriends or a fight with parents, and I can't!
    Because I'm a burden...
    That's just making everything worse, because I have to act happy again (I'm the classclown...) and just say, yay I'm okay!
    That's just not right.
    I can't help feeling bad, I have a messed up childhood, okay? That's not something anyone could forget and be all happt about...
    Like, oh yeah, I'm so happy that my dad beat me up, touched me and almost killed me several times, yay, best time of my life...
    That's just not fair.
    The one time I cry or I'm weak and they just turn their backs on me...
    And I want to tell my friend about but I can't, because I am a burden which just makes me hate myself even more...
    At least one good thing...I stopped cutting...yay...and I wanna do it but...yeah...I try...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Blacky i don't know who your councilor is hun but you are right you cannot just snap out of the sadness it takes work and time with a good therapist one that deals with trauma hun
    You have a right to your feelings if you are sad then you have a right to be sad Maybe she meant that in trying to do things that once brought you happiness these things may bring some joy back in time if you keep doing it. The way your therapist words things it comes out all wrong hun you are not a burden it is good to talk to your family when you are sad it is good to talk to people but they can only listen really as they do not have skills to help you. You keep talking here ok we will listen and we will not judge you at all hun One cannot undue the past hun but one can start in the present and do what it takes to heal and you hun need to find a therapist that deals with trauma that can truly help you heal hugs
     
  3. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    You're a really nice person, total eclipse.
    I was just so angry that she said that, and she said it like this, which made me even sadder.
    I just hate it that I have to be happy, even if I'm not :/
     
  4. lutz

    lutz Member

    Hey Blacky,I think what she told you was terrible! If you could snap your fingers and be happy and better you would. There's a reason your at the hospital- you can't do it alone. No one can. I guarantee you that bitch goes home to her partner or friend and gets support for her problems. People think that it's our fault we feel down or are suicidal. Even though research clearly indicates otherwise. If we could save that good 'ol magic wand and make things better we would. She sounds like at the very least she needs a break. Maybe a career move would be wise for her!
     
  5. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I keep ignoring her since last week, but I'm still angry!
    Buts thanks for responing, that really helped!
     
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Blacky, How hard would it be to find a different therapist? I hope it would not be too hard. I have been told similar things by professionals. Just be positive etc. Yes, being positive does help. And yet, what we resist persists. It is her job to help you to get to the root of the pain. And to work on it. It is not enough to just know it. but it is her job to help you to work on it.

    sometimes therapists project their own stuff on to their clients. eg, she may be covering up a lot of her stuff by pretending everything is okay. And not talking to her friends about it. So she may project her techniques on to her clients. But I gotta say that stuffing things doesnt help. What we resist persists. She may have a parent who is not positive. And she got into counselling because of that. People often do get in to the profession because of their own problems or because of a family members problems. And sometimes they attempt to resolve those problems in not the healthiest ways. eg through clients.

    I am just rattling on here. But it is because I care. It is the job of a therapist to help the person to go to those places and help them to heal. Not to encourage them to hide their past expereicnes or current pain. I hope you know you can still talk about stuff with people here. We are your friends. And people here DO want to hear. Thats how we get permission to talk. Because others talk. right? :hug: I am sorry you were slammed by her. I have had that happen. And it hurt me a lot. Because they are supposed to be authorities. One even told me not to say anything bad about my mother because she was good to me. And she was a very popular respected pdoc. She moved away. The next person was a respected psychologist specializing in NLP. She finally said " do I have to sit on your fface to get you to believe that your mother abused you?" She was very frustrated. Two people. Both convinced they were right about the same thing. Only with opposite things they were sure were right. :hThe psychologist one day said she had remembered through me her childhood abuse. ( this is why it was so vital to her that I believe the abuse) So I am saying, believe your heart. Believe your trusted friends. Believe your therapist when the therapist is saying things that are not destructive. :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 30, 2013
  7. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    I think it's just frustratig because I feel like a burden to everyone and thats not helping with my self-hate-thingii...
    I just can't express myself, because everything I'm doing is wrong...
    I can't be sad, because I hurt others or my attitude is wrong or whatever...
    I don't wanna be happy, because I don't feel like playing a classclow all the time or be there for everyone and help everyone with their boyfriendproblems at 3 p.m...
    Thank you :hugpounce:
     
  8. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    that was very unprofessional of the counsellor, indeed.

    this.
    we're here for support, nothing you say is a burden. good thoughts your way
     
  9. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    That councilor of yours is dumb. How can we "be positive" when we're depressed? He/she does not understand the feeling of depression, despair, and the intense feeling of giving up. If we can be positive, of course we will without anyone telling us to do that, we're all want to be happy, but the what happened in life puts us in this depressive condition, therefore blocking our "mood" to be positive. As hard as we try, it will not be possible to stay positive, unless something can make you really happy, giving you a big mood boost. With a good mood, you can stay positive, but depression will, of course, make people have the worst mood. With that worst mood we have, it's almost impossible to think positive, unless you get help from someone, or something special able to neutralize the mood. Really, some professionals are retarted, and does not deserve to be called professional.
     
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    yes. She just gave your self hatred etc a banquet on which to feast. Thats wrong, on so many levels, of her to do. I have self hatred too Blacky. So I know what it feels like when an authority figure used to trigger me in similar ways. It was awful. Here is what I hope could happn. That you could just realize that she was wrong. If you are sad, or in pain, I think it is perfectly alright for you to show it. Especially to a therapist. You are a very likable person. You really are. :hug:
    Do you think it might be a good idea to find a new therapist?
     
  11. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    Hihi, thanks and yep, thats the question. I don't wanna hurt my mom or just get on her nerves, because yeah...it's hard for her too, so I don't wanna really say, hey, I don;t want to go there anymore, so yeah, right now its hard :p
    I don't wanna be the child with problems... and I can't be upset because everyone is so...they don't accept that I'm feeling down, because I'm so messed up...
    Hihi, you are also a really likeable person, you all are :hug:
     
  12. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    So yeah, I talked about my mom about this and we got into a fight.
    So, apperently, I hate my life, no one cares about how I feel, I can't talk about it nor can I cry, because society don't allow it and here I am, more depressed then before,
    which makes me suicidal again, because I can't smile all the time to hide the tears and the pain inside, without shattering into thousand pieces.
     
  13. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Blacky, I can feel what a good heart you have. Sure you have wounds. Sure you have pain. But I can promise you this, I can feel your good heart. I do not like that you dont have people you can be honest with about how you are feeling. I dont like that you are forced to wear the mask. Even when you are in therapy. I wish you could switch therapists. Unless you actually like this one. I am not suggesting being without therapist. Just maybe switching to someone who can honor your feelings. Someone who can accept you where you are. This is the way progress is made, I think. When we can accept someone where they are. Really accept them. Isnt that what we all are looking for? Your heart is the deepest truth of who you are, as far as I am concerned. Thats what I believe about all people. I think you have a very good heart. wounded. yes. But that is not your fault. not at all :hug:
     
  14. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, your counselor should have never told you those things. If you can I would talk to another counselor. You can't just stop being unhappy like its a switch to turn on and off. I hate pretending to be happy just to make everyone else more comfortable or better. Its torturous. Be how you feel and the happiness will find its way back in. Small steps into looking at positive things can be a way.
    As for your friends talk to them and let them be the judge of what burdens them. I figured out I had some friends that were never truly my friend but I guess it's better that way, you need people to support you. Sad as it may be friends will go away but in a way it's ok. But your not a burden here. And you can always send me a message I you want to talk.
    Glad your not cutting *hugs*
     
  15. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    Seriously, you guys are just great and I want to hug all of you at once :hug:
    I just played happy the whole day and the days before, because that makes the others happy. But I am unhappy, but I don't know what they are expecting me to do.
    I played along all these years but just cracked, because of our Mexico-incident. (Class tip, everyone got drunk, Imy das used to punish me when he was drunk...long story...)
    Grr...I stopped talking to my counselor and right now I ignore her, but I'm still pissed.
    Today is one of these days, were I feel like it's all my fault, like, why can't I be happy?
    I hate myself for not knocking down the doors of my dreams and that this hate kills my hope inside.
    Yeah, thats the only positive thing today, I don't cut, I wanna though, but I will not do it.
    Thanks guys, luv you :hug:
     
  16. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am so sorry about the mexico incident. I do not agree with your therapist for what its worth. It seems she wants you to stuff your feelings and history. I do not think this produces healing. I bet she is projecting what she does herself. And I do not think its very conducive to healing. I think she is wrong.
    I agree with you about hate. I wish there was a way for you to connect with the good that you are. i have self loathing also. People have told me to volunteer as a dog walker at the shelter. Or to work in gardens for people. Even if its volunteering. To volunteer. Because that is how i will feel better abut myself. I agree with them. But it is not easy for me to do because it is hard for me to be out of my home. But I thought i would pass along the idea to you. I just do not like that you have internalized what they therapist said. I have done that also. Because of the self loathing I do not have protection. So anyone can harm me. Espeically authority figures like therapists. But she is wrong. Please do not feel you should wear what I call the happy mask. Thats what she probably does. But she may be stuffing her issues. When someone stuffs their pain, they never get the chance to work on or heal them. :hug:
     
  17. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    Hey, I'm back,
    so I told my mom that I don't want to qork with my therapist anymore and yes...
    in the end I didn't want to speak anymore because she got angry and then she forced me to speak,
    because she said she would call the police and tell them I'm sick.
    Right now I am goung to do it, because even my mom showed me she doesen't care...
    I hate it, my life is so fucked up!
    I want to do it today so she can see, that she is the worst mom in the world!
    I can't do it anymore, not anymore.
     
  18. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    Maybe your mom does care. I know I'm not in your shoes and I'm not saying what she did was right but maybe its the only way she can show she cares. (if that made any sense). We luv you. :hug: I hope you can hang on and move through this, follow your dreams.
     
  19. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    I'll try :hug:
     
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