I'm not really sure what I am doing here, but there must be a reason I came here. From the outside I must look like a person that is really well put together and has a great life, but honestly it couldn't be further from the truth, which sounds like a complete cliché. I have felt suicidal for about 5 years off and on with varying degrees of seriousness. I really don't want to die, but this is what you would call a cry for help. I used to cut myself, nothing too awful, but when I told someone about it (my mother) it was met with total anger, disappointment, and condemnation (her calling me a drama-queen basically). Then it was never talked about again. Classic case of denial-her perfect life as a suburban mother would have been shattered if people found out her daughter was mental. So I am utterly lost and confused and I don't want to die, but living with this amount of pain, mental isolation and loneliness is awful. I am bright and bubbly on the outside but a total mess on the inside and I have no one to relate to or turn to. Professional help is too scary to consider and more than anything I am afraid of failing to kill myself. I have bursts of hope that tell me to go on and that things will undoubtedly have to get better soon, but without any real confirmation that things will get better it is hard to hold on to that hope. So now that this post is thoroughly long winded I have guaranteed that no one will read it. Well...those are my thoughts.