Not sure

[Ash]

I'm not really sure what I am doing here, but there must be a reason I came here. From the outside I must look like a person that is really well put together and has a great life, but honestly it couldn't be further from the truth, which sounds like a complete cliché. I have felt suicidal for about 5 years off and on with varying degrees of seriousness. I really don't want to die, but this is what you would call a cry for help. I used to cut myself, nothing too awful, but when I told someone about it (my mother) it was met with total anger, disappointment, and condemnation (her calling me a drama-queen basically). Then it was never talked about again. Classic case of denial-her perfect life as a suburban mother would have been shattered if people found out her daughter was mental. So I am utterly lost and confused and I don't want to die, but living with this amount of pain, mental isolation and loneliness is awful. I am bright and bubbly on the outside but a total mess on the inside and I have no one to relate to or turn to. Professional help is too scary to consider and more than anything I am afraid of failing to kill myself. I have bursts of hope that tell me to go on and that things will undoubtedly have to get better soon, but without any real confirmation that things will get better it is hard to hold on to that hope.

So now that this post is thoroughly long winded I have guaranteed that no one will read it. Well...those are my thoughts.

 

[ybt]

hey, ash, you really aren't the first one, nor will you be the last. can you describe your situation?

 

[Ash]

Two alcoholic parents, one emotionally abusive, one physically abusive, top-grade education with no idea of what I want to do with my life, and no one that even remotely makes me feel like I am unconditionally loved. Basically I am told how beautiful and amazing I am by people, yet I have no boyfriend nor have I ever had one that meant anything to me. If I am so amazing, why am I alone? These problems may sound really really petty but honestly they are tearing me apart.

 

[Ash]

I am a total moron. Why did I think anyone would give a damn?

 

[ybt]

hey, you're not, it's just that people don't post every minute of the day

no, well, of course you don't have an easy life. you said you did, and maybe you are better off than some people, but that isn't how people should be treated. do you have friends you can talk to?

one more thing: you're not an idiot

 

[Ash]

I have friends but none that I would want to see this side of me.

 

[jane doe]

hi ash, well i kinda feel llike you, i´ve been thinking about suicide a lot, but i came here because i cut myself. i don´t talk about it with my family/friends and i think you must be feeling separated from the world, you surely think everybody looks at you in a bad way, and that your life is senseless. well i think that you shoulnd´t worry about anything of this. You said that people say about how beautifful and good person you are, so i don´t think that all of them are wrong. about your parents i must say that a lot of times they make mistakes and you need to find out what is better for you, leaving behind what they want you to do. If you don´t know what to do with your life...it doesn´t matter now, you have the rest of your life to think about it. and one more thing.... if you look for someone to love you, it will delay more time, let the love find you first. take care and pm me if you need to talk


(if you want more repyes you must post about 4 hours sooner because there´s more people) take care

 

[jane doe]

oh one more thing...welcome to the forum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and try to not hurt yourself