Am sick of it, sick of pretending everything is fucking okay. I'm sick of pretending. I'm sick all the shit in my life. I want it gone. I wanna do it so fucking badly right now even with her laying right next to me asleep. All day i been feeling shitty. All day I've wanted to cut and NO it's not because of anyone on here before the start blaming them selfs. We all have our own reasons for wanting to cut. Maybe i just wanna punish myself and BEFORE you ask what i need to punish myself for. You'll never know cos the truth of the matter is that i don't even know myself. Maybe cos i feel I'm a bad person who needs to be this way? Who needs the pain? Sometimes i just wanna cut. SOMETIMES THERES NO PARTICULAR THING TO SET ME OFF!! How fucked up is that!!
Sick of pretending that it hasn't affected me. It's affected me more than it has my mum, who saw her a lot more often than i did. Now I'm going to her funeral. Wanna know something??!! I'm SHIT SCARED!! scared of how I'll react. Will be the third funeral I've been to this year. One of them was out of support, the other one was because i wanted to go and now this one.
Theres so much anger in my right now. I can't control it. It's actually starting to scare me. Once I lose my temper, VERY rarely can someone calm me down. I nearly just flipped out, smashed up my room. Was so close to doing it but didn't cos she was in the room and i KNOW i would of scared her shitless if i had. Everyones getting my anger thrown at them. I don't mean it. It just ... happens. Like i just went to make sure my 10 year old brother was in bed and i just flipped. Started swearing and shouting. He don't deserve a sister like that!! I'm his ONLY sister. His older brother ain't even in his life! and he gets that treatment from me?! he'd be better off if i wasn't around him at all. I have no idea how I'm gonna take Friday and to be honest thats whats scaring me the most. How unpredictable my own actions or emotions are to me.
I'm sick of being told I'm ALWAYS in a mood about something by EVERYONE. Maybe theres shit going on in my head that I'm finding hard to deal with or hard to talk about? I'm sick of people feeling they have to tread on 'egg shells' around as to not upset me. All your doing is upsetting me by NOT talking to me and talking to other people that trigger the fuck out of you and telling your feeling bad or down. You have a go at me for not wanting to get rid of my blades. Maybe having them with me all the time makes me feel safer. Have a go at me for that but then won't block some twat off her who got banned thats going round telling you to cut yourself? yeh cos i can see how that works.
Sick of all the weird and crappy dreams i keep having. Then theres this weird visions. Like i'm not totally asleep but awake at the same time. Like for example i'll be laying in bed. Then i'll see/hear Sam standing next to the bed but i know shes not there so i look over and shes sleeping. Freaks me out sometimes. Really hard to explain it.
Told my mum on the phone the other day that i wasn't just depressed but suicidal as well. Told her i was still cutting and she turned round and told me 'guess i'm gonna have to hide things again' hahahahahahaha i just turned round and told her that theres no way she could stop me. Every time i told her i felt down and that i felt i was a failure all i got was 'why?'. 'why?' 'why?' Thats all she kept fucking saying. I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! If i knew that i'd bloody sort it!!! FECK SAKE!!
Cut not so long ago. Leg is killing me. Have been cutting a LOT. Got over a 3 figure number of pills laying next to me right now. Wondering whether to or not. Meh, i'm in the wrong as per usual. Just had a MAD convosation with a mate of mine. I flipped, went into this really weird mood and started ranting about how many pills i had and that cutting is an addiction blah blah. When i said its an addiction i got the reply ''if you say so'' and that having blades near me make me feel safe. She thought i was mad for that as well. Worst thing of all is that its birthday today and I've just gone an done that to her. What kind of a friend am i?! What kind of a person am i?! I'M FUCKED UP!!!
So ima shut up and leave you wonderful people in peace to carry on with your lives minus my fucked up moods.
Take care :biggrin:
Sick of pretending that it hasn't affected me. It's affected me more than it has my mum, who saw her a lot more often than i did. Now I'm going to her funeral. Wanna know something??!! I'm SHIT SCARED!! scared of how I'll react. Will be the third funeral I've been to this year. One of them was out of support, the other one was because i wanted to go and now this one.
Theres so much anger in my right now. I can't control it. It's actually starting to scare me. Once I lose my temper, VERY rarely can someone calm me down. I nearly just flipped out, smashed up my room. Was so close to doing it but didn't cos she was in the room and i KNOW i would of scared her shitless if i had. Everyones getting my anger thrown at them. I don't mean it. It just ... happens. Like i just went to make sure my 10 year old brother was in bed and i just flipped. Started swearing and shouting. He don't deserve a sister like that!! I'm his ONLY sister. His older brother ain't even in his life! and he gets that treatment from me?! he'd be better off if i wasn't around him at all. I have no idea how I'm gonna take Friday and to be honest thats whats scaring me the most. How unpredictable my own actions or emotions are to me.
I'm sick of being told I'm ALWAYS in a mood about something by EVERYONE. Maybe theres shit going on in my head that I'm finding hard to deal with or hard to talk about? I'm sick of people feeling they have to tread on 'egg shells' around as to not upset me. All your doing is upsetting me by NOT talking to me and talking to other people that trigger the fuck out of you and telling your feeling bad or down. You have a go at me for not wanting to get rid of my blades. Maybe having them with me all the time makes me feel safer. Have a go at me for that but then won't block some twat off her who got banned thats going round telling you to cut yourself? yeh cos i can see how that works.
Sick of all the weird and crappy dreams i keep having. Then theres this weird visions. Like i'm not totally asleep but awake at the same time. Like for example i'll be laying in bed. Then i'll see/hear Sam standing next to the bed but i know shes not there so i look over and shes sleeping. Freaks me out sometimes. Really hard to explain it.
Told my mum on the phone the other day that i wasn't just depressed but suicidal as well. Told her i was still cutting and she turned round and told me 'guess i'm gonna have to hide things again' hahahahahahaha i just turned round and told her that theres no way she could stop me. Every time i told her i felt down and that i felt i was a failure all i got was 'why?'. 'why?' 'why?' Thats all she kept fucking saying. I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! If i knew that i'd bloody sort it!!! FECK SAKE!!
Cut not so long ago. Leg is killing me. Have been cutting a LOT. Got over a 3 figure number of pills laying next to me right now. Wondering whether to or not. Meh, i'm in the wrong as per usual. Just had a MAD convosation with a mate of mine. I flipped, went into this really weird mood and started ranting about how many pills i had and that cutting is an addiction blah blah. When i said its an addiction i got the reply ''if you say so'' and that having blades near me make me feel safe. She thought i was mad for that as well. Worst thing of all is that its birthday today and I've just gone an done that to her. What kind of a friend am i?! What kind of a person am i?! I'M FUCKED UP!!!
So ima shut up and leave you wonderful people in peace to carry on with your lives minus my fucked up moods.
Take care :biggrin: