Not the first time I have had suicidal thoughts and feelings...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Azphel, Nov 6, 2012.

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  1. Azphel

    Azphel New Member

    First I'd like to say I am a new member here looking for a place to vent my feelings out because I really have no one to turn to when it comes to this.

    I suppose I should give a little info about myself to make things clear about why I feel the way I do. I am a 24 year old woman, I graduated from Dental Assisting school last year in September, needless to say I am in major debt to the government with school loans about $10K and I also do not have a job in the field I graduated from.

    I am living in a one bedroom apartment with my boyfriend (who is very wonderful and supportive btw) and I am, unfortunately, working at OfficeMax.

    I have been extremely depressed for a long time now. I dread going to work every single day and when I get there I feel like I have to cry. I stand on my feet all day too which has ultimately developed into a medical problem all it's own known as plantar fasciitis. It is inflammation of the arches and heels and it causes me excruciating pain by the end of my shift every day I work. I am in debt for medical problems now because of it.

    I have a big problem with standing up for myself and speaking up. Just today I went to the dentist and somehow walked out of there owing them $780 for a cleaning, fillings and a crown. I wanted to say something but stupid me I just didn't. I don't know how to say no. I don't know why I don't speak up to people, I guess it's because I don't want to inconvenience them or something, I dunno. I have a very stupid logical path when dealing with people. I am a people pleaser and I just want to make everyone happy, I know, I know, that's a huge problem in and of itself.

    I feel like a failure and a I hate myself all the time. I am trying to better my life and just feel like nothing is getting better. I started a weight loss program where I cut out gluten and soda and I eat less now. I have lost weight after the first week now, about 8 pounds in two weeks, went from 263 to 255. This is probably the only thing I feel good about right now.

    But I don't know. I am just so depressed all the time. I just want to cry every single day in fact I am crying right now as I type this out. I can't stop thinking about killing myself or even less so just severely injuring myself especially when I am work. I get so mad and frustrated that my manager doesn't realize I need to sit down every once in a while because my feet are killing me. And I don't tell her I need to sit down because I just don't have the gall to, she intimidates the crap out of me and I think she'd just laugh in my face if I said I had to sit down. I get angry and think the only way to make it clear I am hurting is to actually bleed and I imagine stabbing myself with scissors or jabbing them into my hands. Just ANYTHING to make it apparent that I am in physical pain. To me it would be my very vocal cry for help! I am crying for help because it feels like no one is listening.

    I am tired of crying to my boyfriend because I know he doesn't know what to do and just feels absolutely helpless about my problems. And I love him so much I don't want to lose him over this BS. I just want all this debt to disappear and for my suffering, depression, and anxiety to go away.

    Living is becoming hard and I can't stop thinking about ways to hurt or kill myself. I want to see a psychiatrist/psychologist but I don't want to land in more DEBT!!! I am thinking about ways to harm myself now just so I won't have to go to work in the morning and be in physical pain all day long.

    I just feel so lost and helpless...
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for your difficulties. It especially difficult when it is obvious you are trying very hard to do the right things and having less than satisfying results. A few things to consider -

    School loans can usually be deferred very easily with a phone call or a paper showing financial hardship - they may not go away but they also need not be an immediate concern.

    Medical bills are very reasonable when working out a repayment plan - call them and offer what you can - even if it is $10/ week - they will start a payment schedule and it will be less immediate concern.

    Regardless of other medical bills please see a Dr for you physical problems and your suicidal thoughts. Get medication for the depression if they think it would be helpful and try it - very often some depression medications also help with chronic pain so they may be especially beneficial to you. A psyche Dr would be good but a family medicine Dr may be able to assist with both and save a double payment.

    If it gets so bad that you feel you are a genuine danger to yourself forget the money issues and go to an emergency room to get help - get yourself well and then be concerned about a repayment plan later when you will be better able to work and repay it.

    Congratulations on the progress you have made on your diet - it is a difficult and that is amazing progress - be proud of that! Use your BF for support and come talk to us as often as you like - we are always willing to listen.

    Take Care and Be Safe
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