Not There Yet - But I Want To

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alais, Feb 26, 2009.

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  1. Alais

    Alais Well-Known Member

    Depression has been a part of my life since I was a little girl. I'm so tired of fighting it. It's really bad today. I feel as though an imaginary weight has settled in my chest. It's an effort to breathe and my heart feels weighed down. All I want to do is sleep, get away from the problems around me. Hubby lost a job, but the bills got higher. Daughter getting married, turning into a Bridezilla. Flashbacks from the past getting more frequent. DID stealing more chunks of my time, doing God knows what. Nothing worth living for. Everyone wants a piece of me. Can't they see there are no pieces left? They demand I stick around, and then accuse me of being selfish for wants to leave. Depends on your point of view, doesn't it?
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well I want a piece too! I want the teeny little piece that is still fighting to hold on. And I want to help anyway I can to keep it that way and maybe to get a little bigger. I know all too well how you feel. Torn between needs and wants of your family and friends and the needs and wants that you are battling. Cant get a breath big enough to survive? It's overwhelming and makes you feel so alone. But you arent. People here can help you through the crap if even just enough to take that breath again. Share as much as you can about what's going on please. Get it out of your head and into the open where it belongs so others can help take it apart one little piece at a time. Please keep haning on.
     
  3. Alais

    Alais Well-Known Member

    Get it all out? I'm too tired to get it all out. If I did, it would fill eight screens. I use to be scared and worried and all that. All I have left is, well not even sad, I'd have to say inactive suicidal. When I flip to active is anybody's guess. When it happens, it usually happens fast. This isn't my first time around the block. I can't share with my family, they'll just stick me back in the hospital. Speaking of which, they should be coming in through the door any minute and the computer is in a centrally located area. I'll probably sign back in after everyone goes to bed.
     
  4. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hi Alais,

    Nice to see you posting hun. It's important not too keep stuff bottled up because that's when you find that things will switch from 'inactive' to 'active'.

    If you can't share with your family, then share with us here.

    We care & we want to help hun.

    :hug: Claire xx
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Alias,
    Welcome to the forum!! You don't know it yet, but you have just inherited a whole new family!! The members here are genuine in there concerns and support for you!! Talk to us, let us help you cope with those demons..You say you have been around the block..Well so have we!! I'm 52 and have been fighting this since I was 13...But the main thing is I keep trying, there are always options we just need to find them on a dailey basis..No one here wants to see any harm come to you!! Lean on us and let us give you a helping hand!!! Take care!!
     
  6. Alais

    Alais Well-Known Member

    Thanks you guys. I'm feeling a (tiny) little bit better this morning. Yesterday my oldest daughter was begging me to control my youngest daughter who is turning into a Bridezilla while said Bridezilla was pleading with me to make other daughter see her way. Also, son and his wife brought third party into their marital relationship and spouse lost second job, thus reducing income. Son also revealed two years ago when he was out of touch it was because he was working as a mercenary. Also found out brother-in-law diagnosed with cancer throughout body (except head). How come he gets to die and not me? Had a lot on my mind yesterday. Still haven't dealt with most of it.
     
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