not this time

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by itmahanh, Nov 14, 2010.

  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    fuck it. promises, love, trust hope...... all shit. i know im nothing . im like the rest of it just a piece of shit. and dont gie me the fuck line about how everyone here cares about me. i can name 2 . 2 people that think about dropping me a line when im not here being a pathetic bitch,. when i invest in a friendship i invest everything. long phone calls, overnighters if necesary. staying with someone when they are scared to death no words spoken just being there on the ohter end of the line. to help another. late night calls wee early morning calls. flying half way across the world. i open my heart wide and let them in. im a fucking asshole and so so stupid. and i say from the start i dont give up or walk away. not unless you tell me to or to fuck off. to keep finding out about the lies and secrets. from other memebrs here or worse from the persons own dad!!!!!!!!!!!!! hell one even got the "blessing" from SF to call me a liar in this very forum.. so once again i tried to defend myself when i didnt or shouldnt even of had to. I TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE!!!!! I WAS IN THE FUCKIN HOPSITAL AND EVEN SUPPLIED HE FUCKING PH # AND DRS NAMES!!!!and no one had to say hey i screwed up. hety i was wrong. no they didnt have to cuz like usual i did it for them.
    i get it, people and their lives change. i wouldnt expect anything less. but that doesnt excuse treating another person the way im repeatedly treated. to fuck up not have the courage to explain yourself and leave me there wondering the hell out of my brains what it is that ive done wrong for this all to happen. thats right what IVE DONE WRONG!!!!!not even a simple goodbye. none of you had the balls to even give me that. heartless !!!!!!!!!!!!! it hurts so fucking much. to keep being the fool. the one that everyone else laughs att or keeps hanging there for their amusment. goodbye... is it that hard? two worsd is all i needed. closure it woudl of givenme fucking closure. but im not even worthy of that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    not this time. its my turn. i thought i was shit. having this happen time and time again just confirms that i am. it hurt when it was people in RL but its people worse from HERE !!!!! cuz here i thought i belinged thought i was safe i believed!!!!!!!!!!!
    one i cant get hold of the other doesnt want me to one fucked me and many just fucked me over.
    well let me show you how its done. good fucking bye. may i rot in hell for being so fucking stupid to keep thi8nking that i weas someone that could warrant a fucking goodbye after being fucked over. dont even bother ive been dead for weeks and just finsihing what others started!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    i cant think i cant function it hurts so fucking bad. i wish i could just up and walk away. forget. but i cant. im to fucking stupid to know how.
    STUPID..................STUPID.....................STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so i do what i know .dying i know. its really not that hard when youve been motivated properly. im fucking done
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2010
  2. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Omg! It's been so long since weve spoken, really long. Its good to see you again, and im sorry youre havin such a rough time. Please feel free to pm. I'll be glad to help where I can, and even if only by listening. Im around again. Good to see you again. Please take care. The world is a better place with YOU in it!
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    here if you need me itmahanh...don't know whats' happened but don't go doing anything to harm yourself...don't let these people win...
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    "and dont gie me the fuck line about how everyone here cares about me."

    im sorry. ididnt mean to imply that no one gives a damn. i know i have many people here that care. just i dont know who is going to hurt me next so i havent really been making contact. so when i hear that line i cringe cuz knowing others care also means knowing that soemone else is out there weaiting to hurt me. and lately it just feels like when i do come here an d need someone no one else is around or available or willing to offer what ive been giving for 3 years. im sorry please accept my apology for that statement. so many angels here. i dont want to go knowing i upset others here. sorry
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member